Saturday, October 25, 2008

Waa, waa, waa.....just some good old boo-hooing!

I feel like having survived Phill's deployments should make me an expert at Waiting It Out Patiently and Cheerfully 101. But guess what? When he's gone these days (usually for drill or for some Army schooling), it's still not easy! I still feel so much less cheerful, so far from my usual self, so stressed, frazzled, moody, introverted and hermit-like. And cranky.

I wake up and tell myself, "Today is a good day! You can do it! Today will be fun!" and sometimes I genuinely believe it for the first few hours. But there's always at least one moment in each day when I find myself feeling like I just miss him and nothing really distracts me from it for a little bit. Sometimes it's when the children are doing something cute, hilarious, sweet, or all three--that's actually worse than when I'm feeling like I'm going to simply curl up in a ball on the floor if I'm interrupted for the sixtieth time while in the bathroom for pete's sake....pee's sake, actually (couldn't resist).

Saturdays are the worst without Phill. The entire day stretches before me, impossibly long and empty, while I wallow in self-pity and have nothing with which to fill the blank canvas that is A Saturday Without Phill. Today I told myself, "I'm going to wake up and work out and shower and clean the house and then go to the store and then take all of us to the park and then rent a movie and then marvel at how I didn't feel crazy all day when I put the sweet babies to bed and discover that they drift off in only minutes...." .....okay, so my expectations were hilariously high today. But I didn't even do a minimally good job! I did NOT clean. I stayed in my pajamas until 2:00. THEN I worked out (10 points) and showered (5 points). Then around 5:00 we finally went to the store and rented a movie. And when I came home and cooked dinner I realized that it was too dark for the park and too late for a movie after dinner
(big surprise, Lazybones). And also that my sweet little lovelies (who as it turns out were a little more on the sour side today--my grey mood was catching) all have runny noses and groggy voices and sore throats. As do I.

Oh, well. See? That's really all I can say! Oh, well, get up and get a little and then move forward. Start again tomorrow. Only 2 weeks left. Now I've spent far too much time griping--in fact, internally griping the whole day. I'm going to get up....and instead of finishing my movie....I'm going to go to the kitchen and clean the dried milk off the floor (I know that's so disgusting. I know it. My cheeks are burning in shame.), wipe off the chili-crusted table, pick up the toys from the living room for the splajillionth time, and maybe, just maybe, I will do a load of laundry while all of that is happening. Ah. No more griping for me while there's work to be done.



Lara said...

Tally Ho, and good luck.

At least you have an excuse. My husband is home and I am crumbling under the pressure. I'm not sure if I can survive the next few weeks....

Love you!

Marie said...

I can't even imagine, Rae! But if there's anyone that can do it, I really know you can pull through and be the person you want to be even when Phill isn't around. It's just so much more enjoyable when they are there, huh? Hope these next few weeks fly by for you!

Waynsh said...

Rachel. You are a trooper. Hang in there.

Kate said...

It is SO hard. I don't think I will ever forget those feelings of loneliness. People used to ask me how I could be lonely with four children but it is so different to be without your companion. You can gripe if it makes you feel better. Hang in there and know that I am thinking about you.

Andrea said...

I find Matt to be my motivator as far as many of the household chores go. I often find myself checking the clock around 4:00 or 4:30 (on weekdays) and finally get a move on getting the place looking like I didn't sit around looking at blogs and reading most of the day. When he's gone I feel like there is no motivation to do any of that.

Anyway, I know you can do it! Hope you all get over your colds (or whatever it is) soon!