Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A little revelation

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of hope budding in my heart. I felt lighter, and though still anxious about the morning push of getting boys to school, I felt markedly different from yesterday.

I felt better rested, for one thing! But I also felt more myself. Closer to whatever it is that makes me, me.

I realized I need to write. I need to write about my emotions to fully process them, whether I write publicly or privately. When I don't write, I feel like I'm only half-living. And not just emotions. For me to understand an event, I have to frame it with words somehow.

So I'm going to write more. I know I've said this before, and haven't followed through. I know I might not even follow through this time! (haha) But just writing this down is beyond comforting, and feels like home.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Growing Pains: the facts

Fact 1: It took us about 18 days total to find a house in Grand Prairie, split up into two one-day trips and a 16-day stay (just Phill) in a one-bedroom apartment provided by the Army.

Fact 2: My beloved sister Liz allowed us to stay at her house for an entire month.

Fact 3: Liz is an earthbound angel.

Fact 4: We left our house in St. George on the 15th of July, and after the 2-week stay at my parents' and the 4-week stay at Liz's, it was a grand total of 6 weeks before we were in a house of our own.

Fact 5: When Phill got here, he found out he had been mistakenly double-slotted in a position that is being phased out.

Fact 6: We threw a little tantrum....alas, it is what it is. This move was never meant to happen, but it happened. And so we deal.

Fact 7: The boys started school on September 6th, only about 2 weeks late.

Fact 8: Seven hours is a long time for a kindergartner.

Fact 9: I've given us a time-frame in which to decide whether we will continue with public schooling or make the switch over to homeschooling.

Fact 10: Our neighbors are beautiful people. Beautiful souls, good kids, and good hearts.

Fact 11: The people in our ward (which we'll attend for the first time this Sunday) call Phill "Fee-ill".....and I like to say it to myself every now and then, and of course to Phill.

Fact 12: We have a big, fenced-in backyard. It does ease the stress of moving. Quite a lot.

Fact 13: Jude is sleeping near me, on the floor, on his back like a dead bug.

Fact 14: I will bounce back from this mini-shock. I will look back and marvel at the depth of my sadness in comparison with the happiness I know is in store for us.

Fact 14.7: Tonight, my suitcase is still somewhere in Atlanta.

Fact 15: I have got to get better at this airport stuff.

Growing Pains: the emotions

I've purposely put off writing this post, the post where I talk about how everything went, how everything's going, and what we're up to now. I'll give a fair warning and share with you the fact that I've just come off a weekend wedding shoot in Florida--which was so glorious, and so exhausting. It was a cathartic weekend, and because I'm still experiencing the catharsis of the last couple of days, I'm rather.....fragile-feeling. Bear with me!

I have a hard time feeling comfortable with unpleasant emotions. That being said, it makes sense I haven't written a more informative post until now--I am waaaay out of my comfort zone these days. I'm struggling in general: struggling to figure out what our new routines will look like. Struggling to create some semblance of order in a house that is lovely and large, but lacks storage and has some puzzling "quirks" that belie a less-than-proficient builder. Struggling to feel like myself, to laugh, to let go, to accept our new reality and just move forward. Struggling to forgive myself for feeling this way, because the blessings have been plentiful and specific.

I would rather skip this part, this part where I'm uncomfortable and, well, somewhat mourning. I desperately want to inspire (all of you) and encourage (positivity), but I'm sure digging deep to find it in me right now, and at the moment? Coming up with some paltry offerings.

My faith has changed form; where I was able to predict much of my life's goings-on before, now it's more.....blind. Which I suppose is the whole purpose of faith, isn't it? We do what we think we can't, we go where we can't imagine going, and then what? Hopefully, we become someone we couldn't dream of being. I am clinging white-knuckled to that hope. It takes all my powers of imagination to try seeing myself in the weeks to come, fully capable, efficient, providing all that is needed and smiling all the while. I know this isn't the worst thing that could happen by far, not at all. I know there is much joy to be found. I am earnestly seeking it, but I am beginning to believe that perhaps this is a time in my life when I am meant to seek it harder than I have in the past.

Meanwhile, I am grateful, so grateful, to have your listening ears (eyes?). Grateful to know that, when it comes to you loved ones of mine (that's you), support and comfort have been the generous gift I am inexplicably blessed with.