Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Friday, March 12, 2010

This morning,

Savvy was in the bed sleeping next to me, her back to my chest and her little body curved in the same shape as mine, her arms wrapped around her "lemur" {her beloved d.i.-bought one-eyed stuffed cheetah, her BABY}. She slowly turned around to face me with her wild sleepy eyes {beautiful, so beautiful} and then put her hand on my cheek, and said quieter than a whisper, "I wuv you." Then turned over, pressing her little back into my chest and grabbing my arm to wrap around her tummy, and fell asleep again.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

HUGE woops.

Sometimes I assume everyone is on Facebook. Sorry. Stupid assumption.

In case you haven't heard, it's the most wonderful news EVER--

PHILL IS NOT GOING. They need him here more than they need him in Afghanistan because they're standing up a new unit here.

I found out two days into my sinus-thing recovery and sobbed with joy, which, well, really hurt my face. But I didn't care. Best news ever. :)

I love this quote. It made me hopeful before we had this amazing break in things, and it makes me hopeful now that I'll be able to handle all the other little things on my "list" of human woes.

"If you are helpless, he is not. If you are lost, he is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not?" -President Boyd K. Packer, speaking of the Savior

Out of Sync

I am feeling rusty.

After several days on my back and a couple more sick with what seemed to be the stomach flu, and countless little pity parties, I am rusty at this mom stuff.

Emotionally, that is. I found myself yelling this morning right out of the gates, and feeling both ashamed and unable to stop. I berated myself silently and took it out on my kids outwardly, and finally broke down crying.

Then I asked for help.

I'm learning (again and again) how important is what you do when you think you don't know what to do. When you really don't know how to summon the strength--physical, emotional, or both--to face what the day holds. Whether it's because you gave birth through your nose a few days ago and then got the stomach flu, or because you're exhausted, or because you've had a baby, or it's just a difficult day/week/month/year!

These are the times I feel define me. Do I go on behaving like an ogre? Or do I let go of my frustration, guilt, and desire to be in control of it all, and ask for help?

I sent Phill a message. Something like...."I can't do this today. HELP." His response, well-measured and compassionate, was to say a prayer, apologize, start over, and forgive. (Myself and everyone else involved in the little fiasco) So I did. I prayed. I cried some more. And then I held Jaxon and tearfully apologized for yelling, and did my best to mend our bond.

And then he was calm.

And I was calm.

And we were happy again.

I love second chances. Twentieth chances, too. I don't like that I need them....but I'm glad I have them.

Afterthought: Do I sound....preachy? Presumptuous? Smug? Not my intention....

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Cara Wisdom

I read some wisdom from Cara today, and oh my just chimes with my bittersweet achings over how fast time is going, especially since Savvy will be 3 in May....THREE!!

So here it is--

Sometimes I look at her and think, gosh, these are the last few months that I have you home, as my baby girl. You are going to go to school and learn bratty things, and want Barbies, and tacky jeans. You are going to start making friends other than me, and you'll make me leave the room on occasion. It's going to happen a lot quicker than I'm thinking it will.

Monday, March 8, 2010

A new smella

As lots of you know, I had my sinus surgery/septum surgery on Tuesday.

Phill reassured me by saying I'd feel hardly- to no-pain at all.

I have learned that the DOCTOR is the one to listen to in matters like these....not my beefcake of a husband who has a nose that can handle this sort of extreme plumbing.

I woke up from surgery feeling like my nose was on fire. I quietly writhed, trying not to make a scene (why? why did I care that badly?) while they gave me something a tad stronger than morphine. Then I talked to the sweet nurse (Steve, you were awesome) while I floated in and out of my face.

Long story short: My recovery has been going well, though I have learned that my stomach hates pain meds and antibiotics.

My dear friend Jenn came to stay for the weekend because Phill had drill (yes....I know), and I can't thank her enough for her selfless service. Phill has been my bedside angel, seeing to it that no need goes unmet. I am grateful for the obedience of my children through this last week, without which we would have no hair.

I am humbled by the help of so many friends--dinners, babysitting, rides, etc....I say it a lot, but only because it's true: I am so grateful for your help.

Lastly. I am not very sophisticated, I confess. Because after having stints and gauze and heaven knows what pulled from my face today, and finally being able to SMELL, and wondering how things would TASTE with my newly plumbed nose, all I wanted was Taco Bell.

And I bit into that soft chicken taco and spilled tears of joy when I said, "Oh hello, Sour Cream. I don't believe we've met!"

Here's to smelling/tasting anew! I'm still sore, but I already know it was worth it!