Thursday, March 11, 2010

Out of Sync

I am feeling rusty.

After several days on my back and a couple more sick with what seemed to be the stomach flu, and countless little pity parties, I am rusty at this mom stuff.

Emotionally, that is. I found myself yelling this morning right out of the gates, and feeling both ashamed and unable to stop. I berated myself silently and took it out on my kids outwardly, and finally broke down crying.

Then I asked for help.

I'm learning (again and again) how important is what you do when you think you don't know what to do. When you really don't know how to summon the strength--physical, emotional, or both--to face what the day holds. Whether it's because you gave birth through your nose a few days ago and then got the stomach flu, or because you're exhausted, or because you've had a baby, or it's just a difficult day/week/month/year!

These are the times I feel define me. Do I go on behaving like an ogre? Or do I let go of my frustration, guilt, and desire to be in control of it all, and ask for help?

I sent Phill a message. Something like...."I can't do this today. HELP." His response, well-measured and compassionate, was to say a prayer, apologize, start over, and forgive. (Myself and everyone else involved in the little fiasco) So I did. I prayed. I cried some more. And then I held Jaxon and tearfully apologized for yelling, and did my best to mend our bond.

And then he was calm.

And I was calm.

And we were happy again.

I love second chances. Twentieth chances, too. I don't like that I need them....but I'm glad I have them.

Afterthought: Do I sound....preachy? Presumptuous? Smug? Not my intention....


Christine said...

You don't sound presumptuous at all. I find you're writing is always honest and I really appreciate that. It's nice to hear that other moms have those same feelings or days. You're doing great though, hope you feel better soon!

Qait said...

Not smug at all.
I have to say sorry to Ender, too. I hate it when I lose my temper, which makes me mad at myself, which makes me even less likely to repair things. So I have to be completely honest with Ender. Even if he doesn't understand everything I say, I tell him I'm sorry that I was mad. We talk about it. And his 2-year-old heart connects with mine, and we're at peace again.
I forget sometimes that he's still learning how to deal with his own emotions...and I forget that I am too (surprise)!
You're a good mom.

Anna said...

You sound human. And humble. Those are hard moments, and we all need 20th chance. Or 200th chances. Thank heavens for forgiving children. And for heavenly guidance and peace. And good husbands.

chucknorris said...

nope. you don't sound smug at all. you sound just like everyone else but also like you have really valiant efforts to try your best. keep your chin up. you are amazing! glad phill and Heavenly Father are helping you. we sure can't do it alone! love ya