I'm doing better--thanks for the encouraging words!
The kitchen is clean, the living room is passable, you can walk in the boys' room without tripping and impaling yourself on some random toy, you can't smell the bathroom from the other end of the house, my room is recognizable, and you can safely eat off the table without contracting salmonella. So it is apparent that I'm doing better! (The house seems to be a reflection of my mood. Clean: well-adjusted. Dirty: cranky.) This week promises to fly by with our ward's Trunk-or-Treat tonight, FRG to-do's tomorrow and Thursday, Halloween activities galore on Friday, fun stuff with friends on Saturday, and the pure exhaustion of nursery on Sunday. Busy is good. Clean house + busy = handling this well.
Savanna has started to enjoy the use of her bedroom door. Several times a day, she goes into her room, shuts the door behind her, and plays in solitary happiness for sometimes quite a while. She also loves to open the door and call, "Reee! Ree!" or come out to say to me, "Hiiii!! Hah-you?" then run back into her room and close the door. When I put her in her carseat, she says her version of "sit", which is usually "tist". When anyone in the house is sad or upset, she comes over, puts her hand on your shoulder or head, puts her head to the side sympathetically and smiles, saying with unbeatable sweetness, "Hi! Hah-you?"
Jaxon is going through a ridiculous amount of diapers -OR- hardly any at all, due to his preferred mostly-liquid diet of late. I can hardly get him to eat ANYTHING. He doesn't even want to eat his usual favorites, save for maybe two bites. Sometimes, once I get him to try a bite (by prying open his lips and putting a bite in there....it's not as barbaric as it sounds....), he'll actually eat whatever I gave him. But he's just not hungry. Because he is uninterested in eating, his...ahem...bodily functions have caused him some difficulty (straining) or shock (oh my, the diaper is full). (See why I get near to tears when he just will not eat his dinner, no matter what?) He actually informs me of what he is doing. We've asked him if he wants to use the toilet, which usually illicits panicked shrieking, so we're not pushing it. I did ask him yesterday, though, and he said, "No. I need a lid." He's scared he'll fall in. I don't blame him. His butt covers about one twentieth of the seat. I think he might eat better when Phill comes home. It seemed to start when Phill left.
Lately I'm considering homeschooling Reed. But not out of any noble feelings--rather, out of frustration over my own little failures as a mom, because I feel like I don't spend enough time teaching him. I do notice that my concentrated moments with him, doing sight words or reviewing letters' sounds and names, or reading a book together, seem to do more for him than his hours at public school. But he likes school now, I think I can conclude! He is constantly talking about a particular little girl there, which makes me smile. He is learning a lot--including the use of the term "like". "Mom, today school was, like, so short. The day went so fast." ?! It's so funny/weird to hear a 5-year-old talking like that! I know my words are littered with "like", but not nearly as much as they used to be....anyhow, it's mostly funny.
I'm still on track with my exercising, which is a miracle to be able to say! Over two months! My pants aren't fitting as tightly, and for the first time in my life, I've lost weight in a healthy way. In the past I always exercised too much or ate too little or did both, which is symptomatic of what I struggle with. But this is the first time that I have maintained a (sometimes precarious) balance with my efforts! I attribute it to making my scripture study more of a priority. Something about being in line gospel-wise is keeping me in line self-esteem-wise. Go figure. :) I've lost about eight pounds. Yay!
Lastly, of course not leastly: The reward for Best Neighbor of the Year 2008 (which went to Camilla Davies in 2005 AND 2006, Andrea Frisby in 2007) goes to Sarah Reber!! (For her incredible work in the field of Helping Rae Stay Sane While Phill Is Gone, the expert study of Being Ready to Babysit at the Drop of a Hat, and great accomplishment in the art of Friendship.)
This just in: Jaxon spotted holding Savanna's hands and pulling her belly-down through the tile hallway. She is smiling.
Also just in: Reed is telling me that at school today they practiced what to do in case "a angry person" were in the school and they needed to hide. Feeling a tad sick and thinking how rosy-glowing home-schooling sounds right now.
Anyway, I should go change the diapers on Jaxon and Savanna's cute booties. You'd think the two coordinate their stink-schedules.
I feel like having survived Phill's deployments should make me an expert at Waiting It Out Patiently and Cheerfully 101. But guess what? When he's gone these days (usually for drill or for some Army schooling), it's still not easy! I still feel so much less cheerful, so far from my usual self, so stressed, frazzled, moody, introverted and hermit-like. And cranky.
I wake up and tell myself, "Today is a good day! You can do it! Today will be fun!" and sometimes I genuinely believe it for the first few hours. But there's always at least one moment in each day when I find myself feeling like I just miss him and nothing really distracts me from it for a little bit. Sometimes it's when the children are doing something cute, hilarious, sweet, or all three--that's actually worse than when I'm feeling like I'm going to simply curl up in a ball on the floor if I'm interrupted for the sixtieth time while in the bathroom for pete's sake....pee's sake, actually (couldn't resist).
Saturdays are the worst without Phill. The entire day stretches before me, impossibly long and empty, while I wallow in self-pity and have nothing with which to fill the blank canvas that is A Saturday Without Phill. Today I told myself, "I'm going to wake up and work out and shower and clean the house and then go to the store and then take all of us to the park and then rent a movie and then marvel at how I didn't feel crazy all day when I put the sweet babies to bed and discover that they drift off in only minutes...." .....okay, so my expectations were hilariously high today. But I didn't even do a minimally good job! I did NOT clean. I stayed in my pajamas until 2:00. THEN I worked out (10 points) and showered (5 points). Then around 5:00 we finally went to the store and rented a movie. And when I came home and cooked dinner I realized that it was too dark for the park and too late for a movie after dinner (big surprise, Lazybones). And also that my sweet little lovelies (who as it turns out were a little more on the sour side today--my grey mood was catching) all have runny noses and groggy voices and sore throats. As do I.
Oh, well. See? That's really all I can say! Oh, well, get up and get moving.....rest a little and then move forward. Start again tomorrow. Only 2 weeks left. Now I've spent far too much time griping--in fact, internally griping the whole day. I'm going to get up....and instead of finishing my movie....I'm going to go to the kitchen and clean the dried milk off the floor (I know that's so disgusting. I know it. My cheeks are burning in shame.), wipe off the chili-crusted table, pick up the toys from the living room for the splajillionth time, and maybe, just maybe, I will do a load of laundry while all of that is happening. Ah. No more griping for me while there's work to be done.
Tally-ho....?
Reed dictated a sentence for me to write, after trying to write it himself and getting about 60% of the letters involved in maybe 30% correct order (I was impressed!). So I wrote him the sentence, and after laughing uproariously, he drew an illustration to accompany it.
It's a ghost. A voraciously hungry ghost, I think we can conclude. :)
Happy-makers: An abbreviated list of things that bring me joy
In no particular order
1. Good health
2. A great book
3. Laughter (good, hearty laughter, the kind that makes tears roll down my cheeks)4. Lists
5. A clean house6. My kids laughing
7. A ream of computer paper
8. Pilot pens
9. When Phill offers to get things down from the high shelves in the kitchen cabinets for me
10. When Reed doubles back from a dead-sprint to school, just for a hug
11. When Jaxon tells me he picked up a piece of trash off the ground-"Mom, I found this on the world. I picked it up off the world."
12. When Savanna pats Jaxon on the head as he naps on the couch and says "Baby....Baby..."
13. Sitting on the loveseat with a good book, some good chocolate, and a cup of ice water.
14. Going pee in peace.
15. When I come home to Phill, the kids, and a cleaned-by-Phill house after being gone at a freezing-cold yard sale that yielded not enough money for all the work involved. (true story last Saturday)
16. Seasonal movies (just the good ones, though)
17. Cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie or show with Phill
18. Phone calls from family
19. Getting back in touch with long-lost friends
20. Lunch with a friend
21. A good haircut
22. My kids getting good haircuts (for cheap? even better)
23. Weird/cool finds at yard sales or thrift stores
24. The Farmer's Market in Ancestor Square
25. Frei's Fruit Market in Santa Clara
26. Main Street in Santa Clara
27. Historical sites
28. Phill acting silly just to make me laugh
29. Making my friends laugh
30. Making my kids laugh
31. Sleeping in
32. Waking up early and accomplishing a lot before noon
33. Libraries
34. Bookstores in general, but most especially old bookstores or bookstores that aren't mass-produced
35. Yummy soups (especially on cold days)
36. Understanding the scriptures
37. New car smell
38. Phill coming home from work (and the kids running and yelling, "Daddy!" repeatedly and frantically)
39. The support of my family, but specifically my sisters, who band together when any one of us needs extra "lift". :)
I have a very hard time letting my kids make good messes. You know, painting, arts and crafts, etc....but I absolutely don't want to stifle their creative development or extinguish their imaginations. So I have been slowly easing up in that area--first, I started letting Reed draw more often. Then once I had set some ground rules (have a set place to store drawings when done, instead of leaving them all over the house to be stepped on and torn, pick up your drawing utensils so your sister doesn't take them), I decided he could draw whenever he wanted, so long as it was at the table and following the ground rules. (MAN, I am uptight.) But I keep feeling like he needs at least a few chances here and there to do more than just draw. And he needs a good place for his work to be displayed. (The fridge is not cutting it.) So today I decided to relax, sit down at the table, and do artsy stuff with the kids.For three hours.
I didn't start out thinking it would be that long. I had 30 minutes in mind, thinking it wouldn't be long before they wanted to move on to something else. But construction paper and new markers are apparently enough to entertain (if Mom's at the table) for a long time! Savvy even sat in her chair for about 40 minutes and colored. (On herself, too, sampling the markers. They must have tasted good because she ate off the tips of about four.)
We decided to make an artline (which I have named in reference to a clothesline....it holds...art.) Hee hee...We strung some ribbon between two push-pins (ladybug ones that are really cute) and put clips on the top to hold the drawings. When we were done, we had tons of pieces to hang up and tons to go in the boys' Batman folders I bought for further art-storage.
(Part of the original purpose of The Great Art Project was to make a chain of links to count down the 3 weeks that Phill will be in San Antonio for BNCOC.)
The artline before we began our project....
The artline after.
The table (during)
The reason I tend to be so uptight about letting them loose with art supplies.....
See the lovely colors on her chin?
And....the reason I let them run with it today....look how quietly focused he is. 
Savanna has started to enjoy the use of her bedroom door. Several times a day, she goes into her room, shuts the door behind her, and plays in solitary happiness for sometimes quite a while. She also loves to open the door and call, "Reee! Ree!" or come out to say to me, "Hiiii!! Hah-you?" then run back into her room and close the door. When I put her in her carseat, she says her version of "sit", which is usually "tist". When anyone in the house is sad or upset, she comes over, puts her hand on your shoulder or head, puts her head to the side sympathetically and smiles, saying with unbeatable sweetness, "Hi! Hah-you?"
Jaxon is going through a ridiculous amount of diapers -OR- hardly any at all, due to his preferred mostly-liquid diet of late. I can hardly get him to eat ANYTHING. He doesn't even want to eat his usual favorites, save for maybe two bites. Sometimes, once I get him to try a bite (by prying open his lips and putting a bite in there....it's not as barbaric as it sounds....), he'll actually eat whatever I gave him. But he's just not hungry. Because he is uninterested in eating, his...ahem...bodily functions have caused him some difficulty (straining) or shock (oh my, the diaper is full). (See why I get near to tears when he just will not eat his dinner, no matter what?) He actually informs me of what he is doing. We've asked him if he wants to use the toilet, which usually illicits panicked shrieking, so we're not pushing it. I did ask him yesterday, though, and he said, "No. I need a lid." He's scared he'll fall in. I don't blame him. His butt covers about one twentieth of the seat. I think he might eat better when Phill comes home. It seemed to start when Phill left.
Lately I'm considering homeschooling Reed. But not out of any noble feelings--rather, out of frustration over my own little failures as a mom, because I feel like I don't spend enough time teaching him. I do notice that my concentrated moments with him, doing sight words or reviewing letters' sounds and names, or reading a book together, seem to do more for him than his hours at public school. But he likes school now, I think I can conclude! He is constantly talking about a particular little girl there, which makes me smile. He is learning a lot--including the use of the term "like". "Mom, today school was, like, so short. The day went so fast." ?! It's so funny/weird to hear a 5-year-old talking like that! I know my words are littered with "like", but not nearly as much as they used to be....anyhow, it's mostly funny.
I'm still on track with my exercising, which is a miracle to be able to say! Over two months! My pants aren't fitting as tightly, and for the first time in my life, I've lost weight in a healthy way. In the past I always exercised too much or ate too little or did both, which is symptomatic of what I struggle with. But this is the first time that I have maintained a (sometimes precarious) balance with my efforts! I attribute it to making my scripture study more of a priority. Something about being in line gospel-wise is keeping me in line self-esteem-wise. Go figure. :) I've lost about eight pounds. Yay!
