Peace, be still

I was looking at a photo of Reed from a year ago, marveling at how much his face/whole self has changed. I realized, too, that we've been here in Grand Prairie for almost six months--and marveling over that, too. Then I was thinking about how I have grown and changed in the last year--or just the last six months--and my brain just about imploded.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much myself. I still struggle in the same ways, and I still triumph over the same successes. But one major difference is that I feel more peace these days. I think it has very little to do with where I am geographically--and everything to do with where I am personally.

When we first moved here, I had what I suppose was a crisis of faith. The change was drastic enough, drawn-out enough, and unexpected enough that I felt....angry. Angry, bitter, and confused as to why (I felt) my repeated prayers for relief and help weren't being answered. So one day I said it aloud--to Phill, while I was in the midst of a really dark moment--"I'm just so mad at Him." And right after I said it, I wished I hadn't. It was like being a child, and shouting something horribly hurtful to your mother or father. I felt deep and immediate shame, and found myself praying for forgiveness all day, until at the end of the day, I knew I could stop. I knew that Heavenly Father was well-aware of my pain, and wanted to help me. I knew, too, that I had been stubbornly refusing to do what I had been prompted to do--what would really help me.

I still feel lonely, out of place, and impatient from time to time. Sometimes I feel lonely or depressed for an extended period of time. And sometimes I feel, still, like I'm failing at everything important, or that my life is so chaotic that I can't catch my breath. At times I feel that I have made no progress.

But in general, I feel more capable and more believing than I have for a very long time. And really grateful and aware of so many blessings being poured out upon my family and me. I try to take a minute each day to just quickly write on my dry-erase board a few things I'm grateful for. I know it's something that has been shown time and again to make people happier. I believed that, I just felt really overwhelmed by the concept of a "gratitude journal". So I decided to be ultra-casual about it and go with the dry-erase calendar on my kitchen wall. Every time I look at my list, be it long or short, I feel happier noticing the ways that God blesses me every day. I feel like remembering how He's watching over me enables me to handle the setbacks and difficulties with greater grace and--here's that word again--peace.

I feel like although I have the same issues and heartaches, when I'm praying, reading my scriptures, and just writing down the blessings I find, the problems I do have become tiny enough that I could just put them in my pocket. Still present, but manageable. Not so devastating. A learning tool, instead of a traumatic injury to my soul.

 Sometimes we suffer hardships or struggle to overcome weaknesses for what feels an uncommonly long time. Sometimes it is an uncommonly long time before we finally see the full dividends of well-endured strife. But I know that in the meantime, we can have comfort, we can know that the Savior is there, ever-ready to extend His hand, and we can feel peace that surpasses understanding.

In sacrament meeting one Sunday, we sung a hymn that I think I've always liked, but maybe just didn't pay much attention to before. Now it has become something that I think of so often, and sometimes just crave to hear. It reminds me that we are never forgotten.

Master, the Tempest is Raging

1. Master, the tempest is raging!
The billows are tossing high!
The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.
No shelter or help is nigh.
Carest thou not that we perish?
How canst thou lie asleep
When each moment so madly is threat’ning
A grave in the angry deep?

 The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

2. Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled.
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o’er my sinking soul,
And I perish! I perish! dear Master.
Oh, hasten and take control!

 The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

3. Master, the terror is over.
The elements sweetly rest.
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven’s within my breast.
Linger, O blessed Redeemer!
Leave me alone no more,
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor
And rest on the blissful shore.

 The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.