I've purposely put off writing this post, the post where I talk about how everything went, how everything's going, and what we're up to now. I'll give a fair warning and share with you the fact that I've just come off a weekend wedding shoot in Florida--which was so glorious, and so exhausting. It was a cathartic weekend, and because I'm still experiencing the catharsis of the last couple of days, I'm rather.....fragile-feeling. Bear with me!
I have a hard time feeling comfortable with unpleasant emotions. That being said, it makes sense I haven't written a more informative post until now--I am waaaay out of my comfort zone these days. I'm struggling in general: struggling to figure out what our new routines will look like. Struggling to create some semblance of order in a house that is lovely and large, but lacks storage and has some puzzling "quirks" that belie a less-than-proficient builder. Struggling to feel like myself, to laugh, to let go, to accept our new reality and just move forward. Struggling to forgive myself for feeling this way, because the blessings have been plentiful and specific.
I would rather skip this part, this part where I'm uncomfortable and, well, somewhat mourning. I desperately want to inspire (all of you) and encourage (positivity), but I'm sure digging deep to find it in me right now, and at the moment? Coming up with some paltry offerings.
My faith has changed form; where I was able to predict much of my life's goings-on before, now it's more.....blind. Which I suppose is the whole purpose of faith, isn't it? We do what we think we can't, we go where we can't imagine going, and then what? Hopefully, we become someone we couldn't dream of being. I am clinging white-knuckled to that hope. It takes all my powers of imagination to try seeing myself in the weeks to come, fully capable, efficient, providing all that is needed and smiling all the while. I know this isn't the worst thing that could happen by far, not at all. I know there is much joy to be found. I am earnestly seeking it, but I am beginning to believe that perhaps this is a time in my life when I am meant to seek it harder than I have in the past.
Meanwhile, I am grateful, so grateful, to have your listening ears (eyes?). Grateful to know that, when it comes to you loved ones of mine (that's you), support and comfort have been the generous gift I am inexplicably blessed with.