Monday, September 12, 2011

Growing Pains: the emotions

I've purposely put off writing this post, the post where I talk about how everything went, how everything's going, and what we're up to now. I'll give a fair warning and share with you the fact that I've just come off a weekend wedding shoot in Florida--which was so glorious, and so exhausting. It was a cathartic weekend, and because I'm still experiencing the catharsis of the last couple of days, I'm rather.....fragile-feeling. Bear with me!

I have a hard time feeling comfortable with unpleasant emotions. That being said, it makes sense I haven't written a more informative post until now--I am waaaay out of my comfort zone these days. I'm struggling in general: struggling to figure out what our new routines will look like. Struggling to create some semblance of order in a house that is lovely and large, but lacks storage and has some puzzling "quirks" that belie a less-than-proficient builder. Struggling to feel like myself, to laugh, to let go, to accept our new reality and just move forward. Struggling to forgive myself for feeling this way, because the blessings have been plentiful and specific.

I would rather skip this part, this part where I'm uncomfortable and, well, somewhat mourning. I desperately want to inspire (all of you) and encourage (positivity), but I'm sure digging deep to find it in me right now, and at the moment? Coming up with some paltry offerings.

My faith has changed form; where I was able to predict much of my life's goings-on before, now it's more.....blind. Which I suppose is the whole purpose of faith, isn't it? We do what we think we can't, we go where we can't imagine going, and then what? Hopefully, we become someone we couldn't dream of being. I am clinging white-knuckled to that hope. It takes all my powers of imagination to try seeing myself in the weeks to come, fully capable, efficient, providing all that is needed and smiling all the while. I know this isn't the worst thing that could happen by far, not at all. I know there is much joy to be found. I am earnestly seeking it, but I am beginning to believe that perhaps this is a time in my life when I am meant to seek it harder than I have in the past.

Meanwhile, I am grateful, so grateful, to have your listening ears (eyes?). Grateful to know that, when it comes to you loved ones of mine (that's you), support and comfort have been the generous gift I am inexplicably blessed with.


Nicki said...

I haven't checked out many blogs in the last while, and really had no idea of all that you were doing/going through. This was an inspiring post. Especially the 2nd to last paragraph ("My faith...") because you have done a beautiful job at writing down my very similar feelings (I have been dealing with in my own mind and heart but didn't have the creativity to express them) so perfectly. Well done. Just wanted you to know that sometimes you can inspire and encourage positivity when we know that someone as lovely and talented as you has the same stresses and personal worries. Makes us feel like we can lift each other up. So - thanks for sharing and prayers are coming your way!!

Liz said...

OH, Rae, I just love you so much.
For some reason this post and the other growing pains one as well as the writing one (most current one) are just bringing me to tears. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps I am more . . . sensitive . . . this morning than usual. The tears made their presence felt when I read that you called me an "earthbound angel." They didn't spill until I read that you were rather "fragile-feeling." And they are still spilling as I think over the things you wrote. Realizing how hard this move is for you. Realizing what a Godsend you were to me. Realizing how much I needed you to stay at my house for one month . . . And if that was the only reason you came, the only reason you moved to Texas, I feel . . . overwhelmed with gratitude that you are trying so hard to make the best of this difficult time for you! And overwhelmed with gratitude from Heavenly Father! His ways are so mysterious sometimes, I think. I know He knew I needed you here.
Also, I have been thinking about your words on writing. I, too, feel very much the same way about how important writing is to me, but my actions (ie lack of writing) do not reflect it. I have a question for you. Do you keep your own journal? Perhaps it is that NB you showed me. I am wondering, if I were to do a blog, if it would take over my journal writing. I'm wondering whether I would mind that. How does it work for you?