Monday, July 27, 2009

Doing it anyway (yet again)

It is 9:27 in the morning and Savanna has changed shoes 4 times.

First, she wore the practical (pink) tennis shoes.

Then she found her blue-tie-dye Crocs and had to have them. "These one."

When she spotted the church shoes sitting on my desk, she squealed, "THIS ones!"

And just now, as I began writing this post, she saw the Crocs again and it was, "These one," again.

The boys are in front of the TV, paralyzed by the poisonous bite of video games. They will not move until I make the screen go black.

My house is, as usual, in disarray around me. As much as I would like to pretend this isn't the usual, it is. My house is usually messy. It's something that I haven't quite mastered; I'm also trying to annihilate needless guilt. It's a tricky balance; if I do what I can, I should choose to have no guilt. But if I don't do all I can.....well.....then I need to forgive myself, do some work, and move on.

I am actively procrastinating.

My stomach is in coils--forget butterflies. Eels would be more appropriate; electric eels that writhe and pulse and glow and swim. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up at 4:00 and pack a bag for myself and a bag for the children. At 4:45, my babysitter will come and sleep on the couch while I pull out of the garage at 5:00. At 7:00, I fly from the Las Vegas airport, and at 7:00, my children will wake up to a babysitter--not me. They will play and eat and grow and cry and then go to sleep 12 hours later; Phill will be home while their eyes are heavily closed, their hearts beating a lazy rhythm, their subconscious minds alive. And I will be at my sister's house in Florida, sleeping or eating or worrying or laughing. And then on Wednesday, I will accompany my sister and her four beautiful daughters to the airport, and we will make our way back to Vegas, and then back to my house.

My children have never been with a babysitter for so long before. I trust my babysitter(s) implicitly! I will even be typing a list of tips & helpful information. I will be spending the day cleaning, cooking, packing, and trying to stay busy so that my nerves don't rule me.

I know that they will be just fine.

I know that I will make it to the airport, find my flight, and make my connections just fine.

I know because I prayed and asked for help, and my prayer was answered.

But I am still anxious. There are so many little details that are not under my control....and as I am at the beginning of this "adventure", I am just too nervous to be excited. I know, though, that once I get going--once I am where I need to be and once I have done all I can do--I will feel exhilaration.

I will be excited to be on my own for a while; I will be glad that I don't need to keep counting my children ("1...2...where's 3? Oh, there you are....1...2...3....1...where's 2?!....oh.....2....3"). I will enjoy the opportunity to nap and read and eat without interruption. (over 7 hours of traveling) I will be proud of myself for pushing through my nerves and
doing it anyway. I will see my sister and my brother-in-law, my parents, and I will get to hold my beautiful niece finally.

And it will all be worth it. And I might laugh at myself a little bit. It will be an adventure.


Pam (Haslem) Dana said...

Good luck with the traveling. I only have one child and my house is usually messy! So, don't feel bad that you have three kids and you can't keep it clean. You are doing wonderful! You are such a fun, perfect little mommy!

Lara said...

Have fun! I have left my kids so much the last couple months that I feel I couldn't possibly do it again, ever. But it is so nice to be there without the distraction and have a little you time. You deserve it.

leslie the licorice stick lady said...

Good luck! It's just what you need and you'll be fine. Have fun!

MAG of Marie Photographie said...

Have a blast! I'll be thinking of you and your kids!

Melissa said...

okay, I am officially confused. i'm trying so hard to figure out just why you have all those children and are now leaving them with a babysitter... You are very brave. flying is kinda scary...especially all by yourself. I just brought a book (and I actually had to buy another one for my return flight), my ipod, and chugged soda endlessly. You'll do fine! enjoy!

Liz said...

I love this entry.