Reasons Why

This morning, I woke up with what felt like little springy coils in my stomach. I had 3 different dreams about the marathon, none of them overly negative, but none of them overly positive, either. I woke up after each one, telling those coils to stop bouncing and lay still.

I am as prepared as I can be. I have worked hard over the last 4 months, and I have been diligent and consistent. I have strengthened my body, lengthened my endurance, and solidified my resolve to accomplish this goal that I have had for such a very long time.

And yet, I'm still nervous. Because I have never run a marathon before, there's this big unknown looming in front of me, and I'll let you in on a little secret: the unknown is most scary to me. (I know that's not really a secret, and I know I'm not alone!) I like to plan, to prepare, to feel like I know what's coming--as often as possible. I enjoy happy surprises, but in general, prefer to know what's on the horizon.

My mother knows this; has always known this, as any good mother of any daughter would, I suppose. From the time I was little, she would "prep" me.

A random doctor appointment--

"Rae, we're going to the doctor. No shots today, but he will probably need to look in your ears, and have you say 'Ah' while he looks at your throat. Nothing will hurt; this is an appointment to show the doctor how healthy you are."

First day of high school--

"Honey, I know you're nervous. But I promise that tomorrow you will feel less nervous, and the day after that, even less, and so on and so forth. If you can get through this day, you will be just fine. I love you."

When I asked her what labor was like--

"What can I tell you about labor? Hm, let's see....well, it is the most pain I ever felt, and it will likely be the most pain you will ever feel. But you can do it. And the Lord will bear you up throughout. And it is worth it."

I have trained myself to "prep" for things that cause me anxiety, and so has Phill. "It's okay, Rae. You've prepared for this. You'll do great. I'll take you to the bus at 4:45....you'll get to the start line and have some time to rest or go to the bathroom or drink a gatorade or talk to the other runners....the race is at 6:45. You can do this!"

I visualize myself going through the event, fully functional, fully present. I see myself as I am: with my Nervous Nellie ways, but able to calm myself enough to feel the Spirit when I pray for help and peace. I see myself overcoming the hardest parts; this is where it is all a mystery. I know what my training felt like, but I do not know what this marathon will feel like....so I tell myself, "Whatever it is, I am ready."

And I read this, and remind myself that this will be a wonderful morning for me, a happy achievement, something to be proud of and most of all--a four-month process of hard work, growth, and conditioning. (Both emotional and physical.)

I also summon my motivation, reminding myself why I am doing this. There are many, many reasons why I am doing this, but today, one particular reason is on my mind.

Did I tell you much more about my cross-country coach? He was well-meaning, but a little insensitive at times. (Is that coach code? I don't know. Phill is the most sensitive, kind coach I know. He kind of defies the coach stereotype.)

Did I tell you about the day I walked into his classroom (he taught math), gawky 15-year-old, approached his desk, and said,

"So I heard that some of the guys on the team are doing the London marathon."
Him-"Yeah! It's going to be great."
"Do you think I could do that? I mean, not now....but....do you think I could do that?"
And here I need to break in and say--I was testing him. It's not really fair, my thinking in that moment, but I was testing him. I wanted to know if he thought I was capable of what the fast runners did. I wanted to know if he had my potential in mind, or if he had decided that he had already gotten all he could out of me. Most of all, I think I wanted him to challenge me, just so that I could prove him wrong; measure up. His answer?
"Well....no, I mean....you're still growing. You're pretty small-boned. I don't know if your body would handle it well."
Translate: You are a 92-pound 10th-grader. If you are asking me if you can run a marathon right now, I am most certainly going to answer NO, because your parents will sue me if you run a marathon right now with your still-growing not-so-solid body.
But what did I hear?
You cannot run a marathon.
And the seed was planted.

The best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't. Not that I am super gung-ho or really into proving everyone wrong....I just don't like being told no when what I want to hear is yes. And some little sad part of me believed him that day in his classroom. I believed for a little bit that I didn't deserve the same as those boys who ran the marathon that year. That because I was slow, or small, or whiny, that I had less right to challenge myself and improve.

How ridiculous! How absolutely ridiculous! What less right have I to be tired, exhausted, overjoyed, full of accomplishment and triumph, for finishing a marathon in over 6 hours than the woman who finishes it in little over 2 hours? A goal is a goal is a goal....and when I finally cross that finish line tomorrow morning, I will be happy because I will have tamed that part of myself that believed I was less. That part that said, "Oh, you're not good enough.....just fade away." I am not going to let my fear stop me from doing my very best tomorrow. I may or may not have that coach's voice in mind, "....well, no" as I make it through mile 5, 10, 15, 20....but it will motivate me.

Perhaps he knew what he was doing. Maybe he knew that discouraging me would turn into the opposite later on. Maybe he knew me much better than I realized. Maybe he really liked me, and I was too insecure to let myself be liked.

In any case....thank you, Coach Edwards. In large part because of you, I will be running 26.2 miles tomorrow morning. It will be an honor to prove you (and my most insecure self) wrong. :D

Appendix:
My List of Reasons Why
To get healthy & strong
Because someone once said I couldn't
To build endurance
To be an example to my family
To run a distance/race Phill has never YET run (yes, there are some competitive bones in my body)
To see if I can
To say I did

Before & After: Jaxon's "New" Dresser

Quite a while ago (January? I don't know), I bought a dresser for Jax. It was from someone on Craigslist, and I paid too much for it. ($20? $30?) It was a particle-board MDF something-weird concoction, already a little bit falling apart. But he had no dresser at all, and definitely needed one. So we bought it, and thought we'd just get a brand-new one when the time came. Over time, it just fell apart, until this is what was left:Note: That bottom drawer is pushed in about as far as it will go. And yes, there really are only two drawers left of the shoddy four we started with.

Unfortunately, good-quality brand-new dressers cost LOTS, and I didn't want to pay LOTS.

I began to hunt at various thrift stores, and wished we had American Fork's D.I. here, as it is STOCKED with potential treasure. However, on my FIRST visit to our own D.I., I found not only one dresser (NOT made of "pretend" wood), but TWO--for $55. Total. Then I waited patiently to have the time, resources, and weather to work on them. (I was not about to be painting a dresser in a 115-degree garage.) So. Jaxon's is done! Savanna's will have to wait a bit longer. Without further ado:Seventies charm, I suppose? Someone loved the sunburst drawer handles and pretend wood grain....once....a long time ago....maybe.
I got a little worried when I noticed that a cross-support was missing from underneath one of the drawers, but I brought one of the intact cross-support pieces to Home Depot, batted my eyelashes, and said, "Can you cut out nine of these for me?" And they did! So I have eight extra....just in case. (I didn't ask for more just to torture the poor Home Depot employee who spent forty minutes cutting these out....I really thought I might need to replace all of them.)
And the glorious AFTER:
Still a little nicked here and there, but in my opinion, worlds away from what I started with. I was thinking about a cooler-toned brown, or a darker brown, but....I think I like this one. I think we'll keep it. And now Jaxon has NINE drawers in which to distribute his Nemo underwear and Spiderman shirts. Ah, sweet relief.
Project Expenses:
Dresser - $27.50
Borrowed electric sander - FREE (thank you, Bishop)
A pint of paint - $8.00
Paintbrush - $2.50
Sandpaper - $3.00
Drawer knobs - $12.00
9 "fresh" cross-supports - $6.60

Total: $59.60

Not bad for a fully-functional 9-drawer dresser!

A Romance Ends (& a new one begins)

Dear 2005 Running Shoes,

What an amazing four years it has been!

No one thought we'd last this long, right?

However.... over the last four months, things between us have become strained.

I just don't feel....supported. In fact, sometimes, you've really put me through some pain.

And after that 20-miler a couple of weeks ago? Well, let's be honest. You folded under the pressure, and really caused me some bitter aching. You know, a relationship between Runner and Shoe can only work if both are dedicated to making it work! And I'm just going to let you off the hook, because I can see that you are really, really tired. Ready to move on, forge new paths, meet those other fish in the sea.... Anyhow. It's been great. You've seen me through two postpartum workout plans, as well as everything in between. I can't thank you enough, but it is time for me, too, to move on.

All my love (and sweat)
Rae

* * * * *

Dear New 2009 Shoes,

You are full of pizazz and bounce.

I think you are precisely the support system I need.

I can't wait for our date next Saturday.

With admiration (and sweat)
Rae

You've GOT to try this....

I made this cake tonight for a coupon party, and I have to say, it is UH-mazing! The cinnamon-sugar with the chocolate--I forgot how cinnamon & chocolate are a match made in heaven. SO good. And guess what? It is really easy. As in ridiculously easy. And cost-effective! Like--if you have sour cream, chocolate chips and basic baking ingredients, you're set! Great new "fall"ish recipe!

feeling the love

To Sarah, my wonderful friend and very-close-by neighbor:
You are a jewel. I love you. Thank you for bringing me that smoothie to soothe my horribly-sore throat.

To the random woman at Lin's who quietly insisted on paying for my $11 of groceries:
When you told me not to cry and hugged me, I felt like I had known you for ages. You are an angel in human clothing, and I will try to take what you've done for me today and pay it forward. I love you.

My heart is full to bursting; some really specific prayers of mine were answered today.