LuLu

Thing 1 and Thing 2, plus four more for you: Remembering how to eat

2012-01-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I was reading a friend's post--she's one of the adorable and brilliant Notes She Wrote sisters--and she mentioned some of the changes they're making to the way they eat. And, well, we are, too. Gradually. Painfully. Grudgingly.
It has been really, really hard. Honestly, it's the last thing I want to do. But one of the FIRST things I want to do is to be comfortable in my skin and feel healthy, so....*sigh*....healthy eating it is.

As I've pondered ways to inject more nutrition into our meals, I realized: I ALREADY KNOW. I've done this before, I've read up on the subject, and I've even prayed and received personal inspiration regarding how our family should eat. I just forget. I just don't always moderate. I just really love most food, butter-filled baked treats included.

So this can serve as a reminder for me, and maybe be helpful for anyone else who is maybe also feeling....forgetful. *Wink-wink.*

THING 1

Blend a half-gallon or gallon's worth of green smoothie, then divide into plastic baggies and freeze. When ready to drink, thaw the smoothie by putting the baggie (still closed) in a cup of hot water for a few minutes. This way, you don't have to worry about a pitcher of smoothie going bad in the fridge. You can still get your daily requirement in, and you won't need to blend something up every morning.

My usual green smoothie:

Tons of spinach (I usually end up using frozen spinach)

Some berries (My favorite? Blueberries)

A banana (Texture, taste, potassium)

Sometimes a little bit of vanilla yogurt

As little water as possible

And I've heard--but haven't tried--that if you want it to be extra creamy, you can add avocado. I'm sure there's an endless variation of ways to make it better than the one I've listed above! My Camilla makes amazing smoothies--like dreamy Orange Julius calorie-infused delightful smoothies. She hated this one. Probably because, well, it's blended salad. Be forewarned, smoothie purists. I myself love it, but I sure won't be offended if you find that you don't!

THING 2

Something I've been trying to do more of lately, is to replace the chips I usually like with my lunch with raw veggies. I HATE raw broccoli--with dressing or not--so I eat the veggies I like. Carrots, cucumbers, olives, tomatoes, chunks of iceberg lettuce....I do eat them with a little bit of ranch, and honestly, I'm not going to beat myself up about it! It's a very small amount of ranch in relation to a huge amount of veggies.

THING 3

For snacks, I've been enjoying doing homemade popcorn. It's STILL lower in calories, fat, AND salt if you do it yourself (with a little butter and salt) than if you do the microwave bags! You get TONS of popcorn for very little kernels, and I think it tastes better.

THING 4

I've also enjoyed re-discovering my favorite dark chocolates. The nice thing about dark chocolate is, it takes very little to satisfy my chocolate craving. Recently I tried Hageland--and it's awesome. I also love Ghirardelli (always).

THING 5

Next: I have enjoyed making pita pizzas for lunch! They're about 200 calories apiece, if I'm guessing/calculating right....and depending on your pita. I make my own pita bread, and since they usually end up being small, I usually eat two. I like to spread Dean's french onion dip on them (a thin layer; too much and you'll throw off the whole low-cal nature of this dish), top it with mozzarella and parmesan, then broil it for 3-5 minutes. Very, very satisfying--especially with a side of raw veggies! (Or you could top your pita with veggies, too.)

THING 6

Last--I'm drinking water like a fiend. (Whatever that means.) I'm far less tired and less prone to eat mindlessly when I'm hydrated.

I would love any other ideas/tips y'all have! (Yes, I just typed y'all. It has happened.)

recent resources

2012-01-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share some resources that have been rocking my world lately!

Phill and I are renewing our efforts to eliminate debt and spend judiciously, and a wonderful friend here has referred me to Money Saving Mom, which I feel is an answer to prayers. Really and truly.

I have found so many great ideas, coupons, recipes, and encouragement already from this site. The first time I looked at it, there was SO MUCH helpful information that I got a little overwhelmed and had to walk away. It's that chock-full of goodness.

Next, this list! I like it so much that I not only Pinned it, but I've referred to it several times since. So many great, simple ideas.

Now, usually I'm not one to spend hours poring over makeup ideas or hairstyles (I feel intimidated), but this website, The Beauty Department, keeps it wonderfully simple. I've looked at lots of the posts, and so much of it seems straightforward and manageable! In fact, this morning I felt brave enough to try something from a post.

Last, this isn't a website or a resource, really. It's just a book I love, and a quote from that book. I re-read it a lot, because it strikes a chord with me and my mother-heart.
The Cry and the Covenant (by Morton Thompson) details the life of Ignaz Philipp Semmelweiss, an OB/GYN who discovered in the mid-1800's that washing hands would stop the spread of puerperal fever.
Before this particular passage, Ignaz's father has just told him, at the age of 16, that he can go to the university in Vienna--a huge deal, considering their family is relatively impoverished and their country steeped in political upheaval. His mother is so proud of him, so happy for him, and telling him that she always knew he would do something incredible with his life. She's explaining to Ignaz that his potential is why they're sacrificing for him to go to school. Ignaz is humbled by this, and this conversation with his mother is what follows:

[Ignaz] "Maybe for some people there just isn't anything."

[Mama] "Oh yes. For everybody there's something. Fathers are proud of a baby. But all mothers hope. They look at the baby and wonder and hope."

"Don't hope too much, little Mama. You're like all mothers. You see me as better than I am. If you really knew--"

"You think a mother is doting? Foolish?"

"Blind, thank God."

"No, darling. This thing they know. And maybe as a girl, and maybe after they live with a man and bear his children, they learn that somewhere in every man is in his own notion of himself as he thinks he can be and dreams of being. It's always the picture of a great man. It gets strong and clear when he finds out what he wants to do. And then if the mother has made her faith in him be part of himself, and a good wife takes up where the mother leaves off...."

"And then--?"

"Why, then he could be born in a stable. That's what a woman knows. That's what she knows when she looks at her baby--all women, Mary or Magdalen. That's what I know when I look at you."

The Friend Series: Minna

2012-01-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

First, an introduction:
How do you know Rae? If you want to get technical, I have known Rae since 2001 when she babysat for my daughter Madilynn back in Hinesville, GA. In reality, I have only seen Rae that one time, and in all honesty, I cannot remember much of that night. My husband and Phill were in in the same Army unit and Phill had mentioned that he was dating a girl named Rachel and that if we ever needed a sitter, we should ask her. I remember him describing Rae as a “good Mormon girl”, so being the responsible parents that we were (and still are!), we jumped on the chance to spend a night alone.

Once Facebook came along and I had entered in the names of everyone I had ever known in order to raise my friend count, Rae friended me after I had requested Phill. I was thrilled to have another friend and I thought it was cool that she had requested me seeing as how we had only met each other that one time. (did you remember me??) [I sure did!]

I had just begun training for a marathon when Rae began commenting on my statuses and pictures because she was about to begin training for the St. George Marathon. I feel that we kind of bonded over running and sharing inspirations and motivations.

What do you do for a living? I am a social worker/family therapist. I feel that there are many forgotten people out there that need someone to listen to them. Everyone deserves a chance.

What do you want to be when you grow up? (Translation: What is your dream?) I would love to develop some sort of non-profit agency that combines those struggling with mental illness/poverty/prejudice, etc., with running. Pounding the pavement heals the soul. [Minna, I'm going to quote you today.]

Tell us about your family/the people you love. I have an amazing husband of 13 years and two children, Madilynn, 11 and Simon, 8. Rex is deployed right now, on his third year-long tour and I miss him so much sometimes that I can’t hardly breathe. We have done deployments before, but this time is very different and I realize this time around that I really cannot live without him and I don’t want to. He is the bravest, most humble man I know that knows the importance of admitting his mistakes. He amazes me. [Minna, I love you. Your courage inspires me.]

My daughter is an awesome 6^th grader who I really, really like. I love her of course, but I really like her for who she is and what she stands for. She is not boy-crazy, or body-crazy. She would rather help out my neighbors that have little kids at home by playing with them or pulling them around in wagons all day, then watch TV or text her friends. Don’t get me wrong, she does love her phone, but she is so down to earth and knows the value of connecting with others. She is funny and sarcastic and just fun to be around. My favorite part of Madilynn is when she makes a really good joke and laughs at herself because she is so proud she “made a funny”. L O V E I T!! [I'd like to add that when I babysat her, she didn't make a single peep from her crib. Slept solid.]

Simon is a real character. When he was just 2 years old he told Rex and I that he wanted to go to West Point and fly Chinooks and he has never wavered from that statement. As I watch him get older and I watch him with his friends and classmates, I can see that he will be a great leader. At age 8, he already knows how to delegate, teach and mentor. Just the other day, he had all the neighborhood boys in our front yard doing PT for about 45 minutes; he had them doing push- ups, and jumping jacks, running sprints and doing lunges. All the boys loved it and Simon was in his element encouraging them all and pushing them all to finish. It was a great sight to see. [I need to meet him.]

What interests you? People. I love meeting people and hearing their stories, everyone has one.

What five things make life sweet for you? What really makes you happy? 1. Laying in my husband’s arms at night watching shows like Bones or CSI. 2. Cooking with the kids in the kitchen with Pandora playing on the computer. 3. Running. About an hour in, you reach a groove and you just flow. 4. Baths. I take one every night. 5. Being outside. I can get really claustrophobic being inside for too long. [I think we're kindred spirits.]

Do you have a phobia? (Expound) I have bag-lady syndrome. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a fear of being homeless. Being a social worker, I have looked into where that fear has come from, and I recognize it and I try to not let it freak me out too much but with all this economic crisis stuff on TV lately, it gets a little difficult for me. [This is the most interesting phobia I've ever heard of!]

Do you have a favorite book? (Expound) Right now it’s the Twilight Saga books. When I read, I want to be whisked away to another world and forget all my surroundings. Twilight does that for me right now and with my hubby deployed, I sometimes want to get as far away as possible.

Next: The questions to make you think....
What is one technological advance you wish hadn't taken place? Smart Phones. I am an iPhone user but I spend so much time on that dang thing. I have to consciously not grab my phone every 20 minutes to check Face Book or email, etc.

Hypothetical question: You've been imprisoned in a 10x10 cement cell, a political prison for dissenters of the dystopian, futuristic culture where this hypothetical situation takes place. You are allowed exactly three things. What three things have you chosen to bring with you? Feel free to elaborate, or to just leave your answers as-is. 1. Chapstick. I’m obsessed with moist lips. 2. My bible. 3. Paper and pens. (is that technically four things?) [It's okay; it doesn't have to be four, that was the max.]

If you ever imagine a utopian society, what is that society like? What kind of government (if any)? What sorts of houses, countries, etc? I’ve never really thought about a utopian society, is this the kind of thing you think of often Rae?  I think my utopian society is where everyone realizes the worth of each other. I enjoy technology and science along with new discovery and free enterprise, however I feel that these things can blind us from what is really important and that is the connection between all of us. Everyone is worth something and everyone deserves a chance and even a second chance. [I LOVE this! And yes, I do think about this a lot....hahahha]

What do you think is the most important thing a human being can contribute to this life? You can change the world by loving your family. Just imagine if everyone had the opportunity to grow up in a home where mom and dad love each other and stayed together. Where there was enough food to go around and dinner was eaten together each night. Imagine if we all had a warm bed to go to sleep in with a goodnight story and warm hug and kiss. To sleep through the night knowing we were safe and to wake up knowing that others were happy to see us. That kind of warmth and security raises amazing human beings that are capable of great change. Love your family and change the world. [Good heavens, Minna. You are so eloquent. I love this. I love you!]

Third: Memory Lane

What is your favorite memory with Rae? When you and I were training for separate marathons at the same time. It was nice to connect with you in that way. [I agree. I fed off of that.]

What is your weirdest memory with Rae? (Man, I am really taking a leap here....) Don’t have one!! Hopefully we will see each other face to face some time soon. [I'm sure we'll make some weird memories....]
Why did you agree to do this interview? (Really, why? My questions are not terribly genius. They read a lot like a drivel-filled forwarded email....do they?) Because I love you and I feel that you and I are meant to be close even if only by Face Book and email. I love who you are and because I’ve only really known you through the internet, I feel that I’ve seen the best pieces of you on a daily basis. I know that many of us only put our best faces forward on the internet, but you consistently do that which leads me to believe that you are just simply amazing on a daily basis.  [Minna, I definitely agree that we are meant to be close! Let's arrange that visit....sooner rather than later.]

Minna lives, loves, and runs in Washington.

A Picture a Day

2012-01-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

Another (very ambitious) goal I have is to post a picture a day on a (separate) blog! It's still kind of under construction, but I've posted for today!

A Picture a Day (keeps perspective in play)

This is probably the most common subject matter for a post on January 1st.

2012-01-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

I love setting goals. I love making lists. And I like reaching my goals. But I tend to bite off (way) more than I can chew, and I think I may have learned my lesson (enough) to keep it simple this time around. My goals for this year, which I share in the interest of accountability, are:

To read the scriptures every day

Our familial scripture-reading efforts are actually coming along quite nicely, but I often forget to do my own personal reading. There's such a marked difference in my mood and my capacity to handle frustrations when I read the scriptures every day, it's baffling to me that I so often neglect to perform this simple act! Another reason I've implemented this goal is because of Elder Scott's conference talk HERE. I read it only recently, and it has impacted me in a major way.

To make a habit of not yelling at my children

I suspect this goal will be easier when sought after in conjunction with the first goal. Again, my days are so different when I'm mindful of how I express myself.

To take better care of my body

I have a loose idea of what I'll be doing to take better care of my body, and I could list the particulars, but I'm not willing to tell myself that if I don't do X amount of workouts in X amount of time, I've failed. That's where I go wrong! That's where I quit! So I'm simply making a commitment to be moderate--moderate with my eating, moderate with my activity/laziness. Kind to myself, but not kidding myself. I'm certainly in need of some major lifestyle changes, but I know, too, that I need to ease into such major change. I'm doing this to nurture myself, not to punish myself.

Happy New Year's Day! What are your goals this year?

Because this will get to you SO much faster than an envelope.....

2011-12-21T11:48:00.002-07:00

DeVault 2011

A Monthly Play-by-Play

JANUARY

Phill begins year in typical fashion, with surgery—this time on his elbow.

Rae begins year praying for a miracle—the chance to stay in Saint George.

FEBRUARY

Receive news that we're NOT moving to Spokane, Washington.

Watch the Packers win the Super Bowl.

Feel that Saint George will be our permanent home.

MARCH

Think about house-hunting in Saint George.

Rae finally allows Reed to bike to school on his own.

The entire half-mile.

And only calls the school once to make sure he made it there intact.

APRIL

Begin house-hunting in Saint George.

MAY

Find dream house, make an offer.

Celebrate Phill's birthday.

Host some of Phill's side of the family for an epic, wonderful visit.

Find out we ARE moving.....to Grand Prairie, Texas.

Find out offfer on dream house is approved.

DeVaults mad. Very mad.

Celebrate Savvy's 4^th birthday.

JUNE

Cram in time with family and friends as much as possible.

JULY

Cram belongings into boxes as much as possible.

Cry.

Blow stuff up. (A very cathartic 4^th of July.)

Happily spend time at Rae's parents' new house in Salt Lake City.

AUGUST

Sit tight at the Davis home in Oklahoma.

Try to find a house in Dallas.

Swim.

Try to find a house in Dallas.

Eat.

Try to find a house in Dallas.

Celebrate Rae's birthday.

See small miracles wrought—find house in Dallas.

Celebrate Jaxon's 6^th birthday.

SEPTEMBER

Move into our house.

Puzzle over the “quirkiness” of house.

Enjoy the overall prettiness of said house.

Boys start school.

Boys hate school.

Savvy loves boys at school.

Rae loves the GPS.

OCTOBER

Receive church callings.

See more small miracles--Boys love school.

Kids love church.

Meet many new, friendly people. (Practice saying, “Hey, ya'll!”)

Joyfully welcome our first UT visitor

NOVEMBER

Celebrate Reed's 9^th birthday

Enjoy Thanksgiving at the Davis home

Rae using the GPS significantly less.

DECEMBER

Make treats

Make messes

Make plans

Rae through the roof (happy) when second UT visitor shows up

Laugh

Celebrate

Count our blessings

(too many to count)

Just my favorite quote--again. :)

2011-12-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

Quotables, take 2

2011-11-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

Savanna has taken to using big-ish words lately, mostly when she's angry. It is VERY hard to keep a straight face when she states emphatically, "Mom, it's the intentioner." It's even harder not to laugh when the big word makes a little sense, like today, when I said, "Savvy, you need to be nice," and her yelled response was: "Quit REMINDING me!"

Jaxon, today:
"Mom! I made an A-B-A pattern with the couch pillows!" (Indeed he had. Solid pillow, patterned pillow, solid pillow.)

"Mom, today our teacher did something really weird."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. There was a kid stuck up at the top of some of the playground equipment, and--"
"Did she climb to get him?!"
"YES! It was SO WEIRD!"
"Well....actually Jax, that's kind of cool, since he needed help getting down."
"Yeah, but it looked like she was a grown-up playing on the equipment."

“She’s got a whole shoebox of ‘em….dangly ones.”

2011-11-18T23:04:00.002-07:00

(Name that movie! It’s even a holiday one, probably my favorite Christmas movie. )
So I made my necklace hanger a couple years ago, and at the time, I enjoyed it. I noticed lots of faults with it, but didn’t really mind.
But recently I got a wild hair up my butt (pardon the expression, but I do love it) and decided I was tired of it. (The necklace hanger….not the wild hair up my…well, you get the idea.)
It was such an easy fix that I really didn’t see much need to document it; all I did was buy a placemat, which I cut into two pieces (one for the whole background, and one for the strip up top). No sewing involved, just used the already-finished-edge for the edge of the strip at the top. I used duct tape on the back of the picture glass to secure the placemat. (Who cares if I used duct tape on this pretty little thing? You can’t see it…) And then the rings are just clip-rings. I don’t know what else to call them; I found them at Target.
As for the earring-holder, I just cut/taped a placemat (plastic) and some ribbon to suit my tastes. Seriously. That’s all. Just right onto the picture glass.
Ready for photos?

Quotables

2011-11-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

Savvy, when I told her to come inside because it was dark out, kept putting her hands out, palms-up and saying emphatically, shaking her head, "You can't DO this to me, Mom! You can't!" When I burst out laughing (couldn't help it), she let a smile sneak onto her face, and said, "You can't catch me!" and then darted away. I shrugged and began to walk to the door....she followed me in.

Jaxon, when I asked him what two songs he wanted to hear before bed: "Well, Mom, [pause, smacks lips] I would like to sing you something I learned in school today." Then he begins to sing, "One, one, one, you're so much fun, fun, fun. Two, two, two, I sure like you...." By the time he got to "Seven, seven, seven, simply heaven, heaven, heaven," I was done for. Totally crying.

Reed, during a discussion we were having about choices and the religion you choose, at one point swooned and fell back on his covers, saying dreamily, "I love being a Mormon!" Earlier in this conversation, he said fiercely with clenched fists, "I will never give up being Mormon!" This conversation, too, had me in happy tears by the end.

Savvy: "So, Mom...." She brushes the hair out of her eyes and purses her lips together. "I'm crushing on Surf and Cody. Who are you crushing on?"
            "Um....Daddy. Always Daddy. Because...."
Savvy: "Because he's your husband! Right?"
            "Right."
Savvy: "And you only crush on Daddy, right? Because you go on dates?"
            "Right. And he's my husband."

Jaxon: Mom, I saw Reed at school today. It almost made me cry because I missed him after I saw him.

Reed: Mom, I wish Jax was in my class.

In which I wax fanatical on the topic of BOOKS....

2011-11-14T23:45:00.001-07:00

My earliest "book memory" is of a time when I was 4 or 5, I believe, and cuddled next to my mom on her bed, sharing an open book. I remember distinctly the moment it clicked in my brain that if you put "c", "a", and "t" together, it spells something. I remember reading, "cat", and then looking at my mom with huge eyes (hers were wet) as I realized that I had READ.

When I was 8 or 9, I would sit down at the table with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and an installment of Nancy Drew. Suspense + chocolate = A very happy little girl.

When I was 17 years old, I had plenty of leisure time between seminary and (on my part, very lazy) homeschooling to read. On average, I would read 5-12 books a month, depending on the size and content of each book. Some I would toss after the first three sentences. Others I would devour in a few hours, then walk around aimlessly, pretending to be doing my math work. (Alas.....my mother was a great teacher, and I was a horrible student. It is not yet my gift in life to be self-disciplined; I've had to work at it and still have to.)

Through these last ten married and childbearing years, my reading has been slower, more deliberate, and sometimes nonexistent for weeks at at time. So many times it was just far more appealing to sleep than to read. But my life has un-busied itself in many ways with the boys in school and Savvy out of toddlerhood. While my baby hunger hasn't quite left, I do understand that I ought to take full advantage of this time that isn't spent diaper-changing, breastfeeding, or sleeping. At this time in my life, I do have more time to read, and I have definitely been making use of that time. I thought I'd share some of my old fail-proof favorites, as well as some recent wonders I've been recommended. (How's THAT for a protracted introduction?!)

1. If I have to pick a favorite book, it would be The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver). I'm fairly certain I've written about this before, or at least mentioned it. I read it in 2002, and I loved so many things about it. Four daughters--similar enough to my family of five girls and two boys. A preacher father--my dad was a chaplain! Living in Africa and trying to adjust during crazy political upheaval--well, the craziest upheaval we could claim would be Just Cause, but we certainly moved around and tried to adjust. Not only are there those wonderful parallels I identified with, but the writing! Oh my lands. The writing. So beautiful. Poetic. Delectable. Heart-rending. Fascinating.

2. This might tie with number 1 for a favorite. Okay, yes. It does. My sister Liz recommended it to me in August, and from the first paragraph, I was hooked. Hey--Anna? Camilla? You loved Jane Eyre? You will EAT THIS ONE UP. Modern Gothic romance. The Thirteenth Tale (Diane Setterfield) is not only beautifully written (exquisitely written), but the story....oh, the STORY! (I'm shout-typing.) Vida Winter's writes tons of novels in her lifetime, all of them fictitious and incredible. Journalists always ask her about her background, about whether the details in the stories are autobiographical. She always spins a new story in response, never allowing them to know her true personal story, until she's dying and invites a biographer to hear her life story. The book is her life story, and....it's incredible.

3. Maybe I can't have ONE favorite book, because, well, this ties for third place, too. Can't help it. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte). I read it when I was 14 and swooned all the way through, crying and clutching the book to my chest. Pretty sure I shouted a few times, too. I love Jane. I love her. She is so good, so pure, so honest, so loving, so brave, so intelligent, so forgiving. I'm a sucker for a good book heroine, and she set the bar pretty high.

4. The Fledgling (Jane Langton). I believe I read it when I was 12. I'd read it again, and not just because I love children's lit. The Fledgling is one beautiful glorification of nature and childhood, peppered with Thoreau and gorgeous descriptions of his pet spot, Walden Pond. It's about a girl who is taught to fly by geese, for Pete's sake! How can this not be a beautiful read? I just remember that it made a lasting impression on me. (Plus, the illustration of her house looks like a dollhouse.)

5. A Room Made of Windows (Eleanor Cameron). Every now and then, I would find random '70s era books in the library. Sometimes they were really weird and included allusions to or plots around things I didn't really grasp, but this one didn't do that. The illustrations (few) are really beautiful and had my imagination going. And the fact that the girl loves to write was a huge plus, too. I think I read it when I was 11.

6. I love books by John Bellairs. (Examples: The House with a Clock in Its Walls & The Letter, The Witch, and The Ring) I believe they were written in the '70s; I read them from age 14-17 and enjoyed the incredible suspense of each one.

7. The Help (Kathryn Stockett). I used to resist jumping on the book-bandwagon and reading books I'd heard everyone talk about. Until Harry Potter--and then I realized right around the time that everyone was diving into the fourth book that I had been stupidly missing out. So now I usually make it a point to at least try the books that everyone's shouting about, if I'm interested. This one lives up to the hype. I was ugly-crying and hitting things, drawing curious and concerned looks from Phill. I talked about it for a good week after finishing. I read sections aloud to Phill whether he wanted me to or not. It's such a beautiful piece of literature.

8. Peace Like A River (Leif Enger). I actually bought this book over a year ago, intending to read it, but letting it wait at the bottom of a long list. I read it in September, finally! It's the story of a boy who has asthma, a literary-gifted sister, a wayward brother, and a dad who works miracles. The writing conveys such compassion, and I was further moved when I read that the author's own son has asthma. The way Leif writes about the son's asthma shows that he clearly has deep understanding and sympathy for what his real-life son must go through. A really uplifting book.

9. The Book Thief (Markus Zusak). I can't talk about this book enough. I left tear-stains all over the library copy. I cried the ugly-cry, sitting on the couch, trying to explain to Savvy what I was feeling. I sat quietly after I finished, trying to process it all. I talked to a friend on the phone after she had read it, fielding her questions/laments like a therapist, rejoicing with her over all the high notes. The incredibly beautiful descriptive writing stays with me, as do the characters....I miss the characters. I met them, I knew them.

10. These Is My Words (Nancy E. Turner). I read this in September. This historical fiction novel is written in the form of journal entries, something that used to bug me--but in this book, it doesn't at all. Sarah settles in Arizona Territory and experiences all that comes with it--Indians, rattlesnakes, floods, fires, soldiers, love, death, childbirth, etc. It also follows her literary progress--her learning to read and write, progress that is beautifully paralleled by her emotional progress. You'll miss her when you're done.

11. The Cry and the Covenant (Morton Thompson). Reading this right now. My dad recommended this to me in the midst of a conversation we had wherein I was enthusiastically detailing all the things that I love about birth, while talking to him about another book. It's about the first OB/GYN who suggested that maybe washing hands is a good idea. (Crazy. I know.) This was back in the day when it was a mark of prestige to have a dirty (read: vitreous matter) lab-coat. Sick, huh? Not for the weak-stomached, but OH, this book is incredible. Note: It was hard for me to find a cheap copy of it; it was written in 1949.

12. The Birth House (Ami McKay). I read this in July. Even if you're not birth-babies-labor-obsessed, this is a great novel. Takes place in Nova Scotia during WWI. It's about a girl who finds her calling as a midwife and is beginning her career at the time of Twilight Sleep and doctors' emergence into the birthing world as prominent figures, along with their belief that birth was a medical emergency and something best left in the hands of the doctor. (Even over the discretion of the mother.) I yelled a lot through this book. But I loved it, too!

And now, because it is late and my eyes are burning, I'm going to just add on a short list, without descriptions, of some others that I've loved:

The Overlander series (Suzanne Collins, YA fiction)
The Chronicles of Narnia
The Mysterious Benedict Society series (three in the series so far; Trenton Lee Stewart)
Dragonwyck (another Gothic; Anya Seton)
Wuthering Heights (oh, those Bronte sisters....this one's by Emily)
Pride and Prejudice
Sense and Sensibility (I like S&S better than P&P, and I hated Emma enough that I couldn't finish the book)
Northanger Abbey (Also by Jane Austen)

Friend Series: Anna Pectol

2011-11-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

I knew Anna only a little in our ward in Cedar City, but she has become a wonderful friend through the great connecting powers of the internet. :)

How do you know Rae? I know Rae several distant ways- we were introduced when we lived in the same neighborhood and in the same ward, but mostly I am a fan of Rae's blog.

What do you do for a living? I try to be a homemaker. HA! I'm really not very good at it, but my living right now is taking care of my family- being here for my kids and keeping the house clean and homey. That's the HA! part, I've never been a good housekeeper.

What do you want to be when you grow up? (Translation: What is your dream?) My grandmother or, at least, just like her. She has an immense amount of love she shares with all she knows, and her greatest love is the Gospel. I was quite determined to name my baby girl after her, so she carries Phyllis as her middle name. I want to be a missionary with my husband, visit my grandchildren, be available to help my kids, and maybe figure out gardening and genealogy.

Tell us about your family/the people you love. Ah, I could go on all day but I'll start with the immediate for now. I have a good husband, Jeff and four wonderful children. Abby is almost 8, and challenges me every day to be a better person. Harvey is 5 1/2 and a delightfully imaginative boy. Willard just turned 3, he's my mellow child. Sarah is the baby (for now at least), she loves to give loves to all of us. They fill my heart with joy just thinking of them. I'm the product of a very large family- 20 ish Aunts and Uncles and 50+ cousins- on each side. I absolutely love that part of my life. My grandparents are my heroes. I'm also blessed with good in-laws and am grateful for their friendship every day.

What interests you? So many things! A lot of them are mother related- natural birth, teaching my children, cooking (I love to cook!). Beauty. Yoga and pilates, running- whatever makes my body feel strong and healthy. Reading has always been my passion, but I don't have much time for it lately. People, I love learning about cultures, history, where people come from.

What five things make life sweet for you? What really makes you happy? (See the above answer about my husband and kids) That's five, but let's call it 1, just so I can list others. 2-Service. In high school I discovered the joy of serving others, it's impossible to wallow in self-pity while serving others! 3-The Gospel/ Studying the scriptures. Maybe it sounds cliche but it really does make me happy to know such good news and to be able to study it on my own. 4-Nature. I'm so glad I live in Southern UT, being out in the beautiful outdoors seems to expand my whole heart to include it's beauty too. 5- Being physically fit- I love to hike and play with my kids, and I dream of doing the St George Marathon someday. But I have a goofy back and right now tight muscles are causing a lot of pain. I miss being fit and strong and am working on returning to the point where I felt physically well.

Do you have a phobia? Falling and suffocation. I don't mind heights if I can't fall from them- give me a rail or an airplane and I love it. Cliff edges are another story- it makes my love of hiking kind of interesting sometimes. I also can NOT stand to have something tight around my throat or covering my face, it causes a sense of panic that I'm suffocating, even if I'm not. Even as a very little girl, hair in my face gave me nightmares at night, and I can't wear turtlenecks unless it's really really freezing- they're torture.

Do you have a favorite book? Jane Eyre. Her sense of integrity is incredible, and she is so strong and forgiving- a lot of good qualities I like. I also <3 Anner of Green Gables and the Narnia books. They have all inspired me to try and be a better person. Maybe that's the other reason I've grown to love the scriptures as an adult too.

What is one technological advance you wish hadn't taken place? That's a hard one, most advances are basically good, but if I had to pick-- Cell phones. I know they are great for emergencies, and I like knowing that my family can reach me at any time they need to. But I think the attitude that we should be able to reach anyone at any time, anywhere they may be has kind of contribute to a lack of manners in our general attitudes. But then again, thank goodness I can reach you anytime, because it's hard enough for me to remember to make the first call!

Hypothetical question: You've been imprisoned in a 10x10 cement cell, a political prison for dissenters of the dystopian, futuristic culture where this hypothetical situation takes place. You are allowed exactly three things. What three things have you chosen to bring with you? Feel free to elaborate, or to just leave your answers as-is. My scriptures. I'm assuming there will be a source of light for me to read them by. Family Picture. One of the blankets my grandmother made so I'd have something soft to lay on, and the smell of home with me too.

If you ever imagine a utopian society, what is that society like? What kind of government (if any)? What sorts of houses, countries, etc? When I imagined my perfect world as a child, my family all lived in the same neighborhood. ALL of them. Aunts, Uncles, cousins. We all built houses on my Grandfather's farm. Want someone to play with? Pretty much guaranteed a load of buddies. Need to learn a new skill? One of them knows, we'll go sit down in their kitchen/living room/ garage and figure it out. Not feeling well? No worries, so and so is here, all is taken care of. Of course playing outside is always safe, because your family loves and watches over you. My mind never went past my little commune of family, lol. But if the world were like that- what could go wrong?

What do you think is the most important thing a human being can contribute to this life? Love. Is that a cop-out answer? There are many ways to contribute love, but if we haven't done so- what was the point of living??

What is your favorite memory with Rae? A pilates class she substituted. Not only was she a great teacher- she said I was a great student!! Being relatively new at pilates, I didn't feel I was doing all that great, but I had been giving it my best effort and was grateful to know I had developed well!

What is your weirdest memory with Rae? Weirdest is hard, as we've never really hung out together. I'm trying to think if I've ever had a bizarre dream that you popped into. That happens sometimes. But... nope, you're of the hook for this, lol.

Why did you agree to do this interview? Curiosity mostly. I was curious as to what you'd be asking about. I like a lot of the subjects you've shown an interest in (birth, homeschooling, marathon training, motherhood). And I like your blog. So I thought I'd take a chance to contribute and see what you'd ask ME. Even though you don't know me well since I'm a blog SLACKER. Kind of silly I guess, but oh well.
Anna is not a slacker, is a wonderful mother, friend, and Pilates student, and blogs HERE.

(P.S.-Anna, I read a wonderful book recently, These Is My Words, that is in the form of journal entries of a Western settler woman. As she has more kids, the journal entries get further and further apart, a little note of reality that I particularly appreciated. So no apologies for far-spaced blog posts. Nothing but love for you from this corner.)

Pruning

2011-10-24T23:56:00.000-06:00

In the summer of 2005, when I was aching with both pregnancy and my husband's absence, I met Flora.

We had just purchased a little point-and-shoot digital camera. I enjoyed pointing it at Reed, my burgeoning belly, and anything else that struck my fancy.

One day while Reed and I were on a walk, across the street from our apartment, we stopped to admire Flora's front yard. Rose bushes bordered the emerald-green grass, and tiger lilies lined the driveway. I noticed a particular rose bush that had lavender roses, and felt a much-missed sense of curiosity rise in my chest. I felt so heavy with the weight of having to experience this period of my life without Phill at home with us, and for some reason, those lavender roses gave me the lightness I desperately needed.

Flora came outside, standing by her door. I explained from the sidewalk that we were admiring her roses; that I'd never seen lavender ones before. She was flattered and pleased, and said I was welcome to enjoy them any time. She even encouraged me to take some home. Then I felt to ask her if maybe I could take some photos of them, and she agreed happily. However, she lamented that she should not venture further from her yard, as her immune system was weakened, and she ought not surround herself with children or a wide variety of people.

So I came back at a later date, having left Reed with my dear neighbor, and took photos of her roses. I did this several times in the course of the next few months. I needed to do it. It resolved something for me.

On one occasion, Flora explained to me that the rose bushes had been her husband's great talent. It was he who cared for them so expertly, and she was worried that after his death she hadn't properly maintained them. Not so, I countered. They were still so beautiful. She looked at one of the bushes closely and said, "Well, I shouldn't leave that there...." and bent to remove a bud that had grown brown and dry. Then she showed me where to remove the dead parts, the brown, the thin and crackly stems. She warned me that the beautiful blooms and green stems would be overcome by the dead parts if you didn't remove them.

I have since given plenty of thought to the symbolism in these mini-lessons from Flora. She herself was an example of overcoming obstacles and striving towards a more Christ-like life. When she was young, she had rheumatic fever, and it had weakened her heart. Still, she recovered and was married, and she and her husband, despite advice against it, wanted desperately to have a child. They tried for a while, but to no avail, and then adopted a baby. Shortly thereafter, she conceived. Towards the end of the pregnancy, her compromised heart was working so hard that she found herself at death's door. She said to me about this experience, "I was dying, and I didn't want to, and I told Heavenly Father that if he would just let me live a little longer, I would dedicate my life to serving Him." She lived, and she kept her promise, raising her children faithfully, loving her husband loyally, and working for countless hours in the Church's family history center after her husband's death. She is someone I think of every time I see a rose.

For the first few weeks after we got here in Texas, I was blundering through the daily routine with blinders on. I hardly noticed a thing, much less the outdoors. Everything felt a little blurry, a little less colorful, as if I were viewing things through cloudy glass. And then I think I grew sick of myself, and then desperate, and prayed for clear sight.

My prayer was answered with breathless speed. I woke up the next morning and actually saw what was around me. Specifically, a rose bush--in the front yard and the back yard. I felt ashamed for having missed something so beautiful. Then it wasn't enough to just stare at them, I had to experience them, too. So, starting with the back yard rose bush, I conducted a close inspection. Only one blossom, struggling for the light at the very top of the bush, and on its way out. I silently wished for the best and went to work with my bare hands, unable to resist clearing some of the brown from the branches. I wept openly, thinking, Let me help you, let me just clear away this dead stuff. Thinking to myself, Help me. Help me clear away the dead stuff. Thinking of Flora, of her dedication to things of lasting importance. Her careful pruning and attention to the choking chaff, both spiritual and botanical. I thought about my weaknesses, the things that had come to light during our relocation, the surprise useless branches amongst the more colorful blooms, and I prayed for help in clearing away those parts of my soul.

After pruning the rose bush, I felt lighter, like I did when I first saw the lavender roses in Flora's front yard. I wondered if my pruning had helped, and held a secret prayer in mind that it would. That night a thunderstorm rolled above us. Loud and relentless, it thrashed the foliage outside, and I wondered how my rose bush was doing. I worried about that lone blossom, hanging on for dear life in the furious winds outside.

The next morning I was anxious to see its fate. It was still there! Bent, battered, bruised. But still there. Still able to grow, still holding on. Again I felt an absurd, inexplicable joy in its resisting the storm. I directed my thoughts towards it, thinking, Oh, see how strong you are? And then I felt a whisper to my heart: Oh, see how strong you are? We are clearing away the dead stuff, and you are surviving the storm.

The more I pick on that bush, pulling at the crispy stuff and giving more room for the fresh green stuff, the more it blooms. And it's not just blooming now, it's exploding. I prune, it storms, and then it pulls out a showstopper, revealing not just two, three, or four new blossoms, but eight, sometimes more. It isn't just surviving the storms, the repeated reductions. It is thriving.

Oh, see how strong you are? We clear away the dead stuff, and you will thrive in the storm.

Friend Series: Camilla Davies

2011-10-19T09:28:00.000-06:00

[My additions in brackets and italics.]

How do you know Rae?
Rachel and I met at church. I invited her over for a bbq, she said that her husband was deployed, so maybe she'd come another time. I remember on her husband's first time in church, I was sick. My husband told me that he was home. I asked my husband what he looked like and he said, "red hair and freckles". And I said, "ugh, but Rachel's so pretty!" [This cracks me up!!]

What do you do for a living?
I raise and grow children. I put my life to a halt to throw up for 20 weeks to grow one. And then I love and nurture them and tell them to stop growing every day. [It's true, guys. For such a long time, all she could eat was Cheerios.]

What do you want to be when you grow up? (Translation: What is your dream?)
My husband and I want to own a bed and breakfast. Where I can decorate every room with hand made items. And I can bake and bake and bake until my heart is content, and fill the bellies of the passer-byers and friends we make who stay with us. [I'll come and stay. You don't have to make me.]

Tell us about the people you love.
I love people who help me to grow, and love and support me through hard times. My husband is the #1 person who I love, I have told him that with my issues, most men would have left me by now. Sometimes, he agrees (and that's okay). I only have a few close friends. My closest friends who I have ever made in this world are Rachel and Robyn. They are the best part of my family, because they are my CHOSEN family. Flesh and blood family, you get stuck with, so you love them. Friends who turn into family are the best kind, because you have chosen them to be your family. [I love you so much. You are definitely family.]

What interests you?
This seems like a hard one, with 3 kids, do I really have TIME for interests? I love to paint. Not the artistic, paint pictures of people and scenes painting, but painting furniture and things to decorate my house. I LOVE IT. I never do anymore, because there is no more furniture in my house left to paint. But I love it. Lately I have become interested in reading. My husband works full time and goes to school. I have developed reading as my evening hobby when he's doing homework. I am growing to love it! [I'm glowing with pride.]
What five things make life sweet for you? What really makes you happy?
1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear my kids playing sweetly and laughing. It is the best sound in the world.
2. Nice weather. Right now, Flagstaff is starting to come alive with the colors of fall, and it is so beautiful. I love to be in a quiet nature setting where I can fell at peace and out of the world.
3. I am not in shape right now, but when I am, nothing makes me feel better than a nice long run. The kind of run where you can go and go and sweat and sweat and never even have to stop running until your time is up. It's such a fabulous feeling.
3. Ice Cream or popcorn with candy corns, husband, and a really good movie. Need I say more?
4. Spending time with old friends, and realizing that we are still as close as we were before we parted. Even though time has passed, and life has changed, seeing that we still love each other just as much as we always have is a good feeling.
5. Making other people happy. Doing something for someone that they didn't expect and that makes them so happy just makes you feel good inside.
*bonus* Making my husband laugh. He has the BEST laugh, and when I can do something that makes him laugh, it's so good. It feels like love. [LOVE this.]

Do you have a phobia?
I am SO SCARED of spiders. It's horrible. I can't look at pictures of them, don't talk about them, don't tell me one is around unless it dead. I have no idea where this came from, but it's bad. I am also scared of heights. The Farris wheel SCARES me. I go on it with my kids and pretend it doesn't. But I'm terrified the whole time. [Are you also scared of Halloween decorations that involve spiders?]
Do you have a favorite book?
Jane Eyre. I know it's a popular book, so it's not original of me, but at least it's not Twilight, right? I read it last week and I LOVE IT. (spoiler alert) When Jane left MR. Rochester, after he was begging her to stay, a part of me died inside. I finished that chapter, and went to bed. I couldn't read on. It was to dramatic, and romantically sad, it crushed me. When Jane said something about how she has to much respect for herself to stay and be a mistress, i was just like WOW. For the first day, I was certain that I would have stayed. But then in an instant, I remembered a relationship that I could have married into, but felt like I deserved, needed better. So I didn't stay. I guess there is a little Jane inside of me after all. [I HATE that you don't live one street away anymore, because upon reading this, I would grab my copy of Jane Eyre, run over to your house, and proceed to engage you in the most nerdy book-loving conversation ever. I love, love, love Jane Eyre. Also--just would like to mention--the movie? The movie recently made? It's good. Really good. They did an incredible job.]

What is one technological advance you wish hadn't taken place?
Their might be others, but off the top of my head I'm going to say cell phones w/texting and internet. EVERYONE is always on their phones, and it makes me crazy. And people text like crazy. It's just not necessary. I feel like it makes people lazy. For the record, I hardly text at all. [I agree. As much as I'm no one to talk, I'm really striving to be more present and less hooked to my phone. A person can go days without looking someone in the eyes, lost in a phone. Ridiculous.]

Hypothetical question: You've been imprisoned in a 10x10 cement cell, a political prison for dissenters of the dystopian, futuristic culture where this hypothetical situation takes place. You are allowed exactly three things. What three things have you chosen to bring with you? Feel free to elaborate, or to just leave your answers as-is.
I'm going to assume that this is a last minute gathering of objects. If I were to look around my house have have to collect 3 objects, I would choose, the most recent photo album, to pine over photos of my children and my husband, a notebook and pencil to journal my life, and Lily's stuffed puppy. Lily loves her puppy so much, that it would bring me a lot of comfort and love. :) [I love Lily's puppy.]

If you ever imagine a utopian society, what is that society like? What kind of government (if any)? What sorts of houses, countries, etc?
I think that a utopian society would be less modern, and more old school. People eat more naturally, there are community farms and everyone trades their produce, and everyone has an abundance of everything. If someone is found guilty of a crime, than an eye for an eye will be payment. There would be lots of land, and no cell phones. If you needed to talk to someone, you would walk to their house and sit and talk, one on one, with eye contact and everything! [Camilla....can you build your bed and breakfast on the farm that I'll live on one day?]

What do you think is the most important thing a human being can contribute to this life?
As a mother, I'm going to say children. But not just any children. I don't think that people should just push children out and do minimum. Have children, teach them right from wrong, teach them to look both ways when crossing the street, to say 'excuse me' to be kind and have common sense. These things are lacking in society today. To contribute in a positive way to society by giving it another functional, smart human being is a good contribution. [LOVE. And for the record, you're doing an incredible job at this.]

Camilla, please expound on the Cotton Ball Incident.
**Phill HATES cotton balls, he can't bare the touch of them.**
Once upon a time, Rachel asked my husband and I if we could come over and babysit Reed and Jaxon while she picked Phill up after he'd been away with the Army for an extended period. So we happily agreed. Happily, because we also brought with us, a large, un-opened bag of cotton balls. As soon as Rachel left, we sprung into action. We used a movie or something to distract the boys, and then went into Phill's bedroom. We put cotton balls under the sheets, in his drawers, in his socks, and everywhere we could think of to hide them to leave him with an unpleasant surprise. It was fabulous, and we laughed the WHOLE WAY HOME. [I must elaborate. When Phill discovered the cotton balls, he picked them up like a cat would touch something that weirded them out--quick, and just with the tips of his fingers. Shuddering and jumping back as it would fall to the floor. And Camilla didn't mention that each cotton ball had an evilly-smiling Sharpie face drawn on it! The best detail by far.]

What is your favorite memory with Rae?
As I was thinking of this, trying to figure it out, it hit me: CHRISTMAS! The time Rachel came and stayed for Christmas with Reed and Jaxon. We had so much fun! Reed napped on the ground on a pile of blankets with our dog, we cooked, ate, went and took pictures of the Christmas lights. While opening Christmas Eve presents, we burnt the cookies we wanted to take to the OB unit. We really did nothing big in particular, but it was the best Christmas of my life. *tears* [Phill was deployed, and I was horrified at the thought of spending Christmas anywhere but John and Camilla's. They fed my soul continuously through the visit, and cuddled my boys, and made me laugh and let me cry. It is one of my sweetest, most favorite, memories.]

What is your weirdest memory with Rae? (Man, I am really taking a leap here....)
Going to Bisque it! In Cedar City. And EVERY TIME we went, the lady who owned it was watching the SAME HARRY POTTER. And we'd sit there and talk bad about her behind our breath... [It's true. It's pretty weird that we kept going there.]

Why did you agree to do this interview? (Really, why? My questions are not terribly genius. They read a lot like a drivel-filled forwarded email....do they?)

Cause I'm friggin' bored and today is the longest day of my LIFE.

I chose this picture of Camilla, because it's one I took that Christmas that I was visiting, and I love that I can see the real goodness of her spirit in her face. Camilla blogs at honesty, sarcasm, and humor; but it's only my opinion!

The Friend Series

2011-10-18T13:21:00.000-06:00

I had an idea for blog posts that would be fun to read, introduce some of you to teach other (some of you readers to other readers, that is), and that would help you get to know me even better--through a sampling of interviews of my friends! I posted a status on Facebook, asking for anyone who wanted to give an interview to answer some questions for me, ones I could post here. I had a great response! So here goes.

The story beginnings

2011-10-18T13:04:00.000-06:00

On the sweet advice of my sister Abby, I'm removing my story-beginnings from the net, just for the sake of protecting them! I actually wondered about that yesterday when I posted them--even though I've disabled right-click and copy-and-paste, anyone who wanted to could just retype what I've written, expound on it, and pass it off as their own. I highly doubt it would happen, but even the slight chance is enough to make me nervous. So! If you didn't read them and wanted to, or if you did and wanted to weigh in, shoot me an email!

I didn't re-read this post before publishing.....on purpose.

2011-10-13T11:36:00.000-06:00

You probably already know this about me, but I suppose I must be lacking in the self-awareness department lately, because I just realized it:

I don't like to post on my blog when I'm not feeling positive.

It's not that I don't want to admit that I don't feel happy/joyful/positive/peaceful all the time. Not at all. It's that I hate the feeling that all I have to share is griping and complaining, and I really do want to put good things out there.....

And yes, a little part of me--okay, a big part of me--hates the fact that I have times like this, whatever you want to call it. Human-ness (yes, I have a hard time being human; I can't help but want to be perfect), depression, adjusting, whatever. I'm not uncomfortable with sharing my faults. But I AM uncomfortable admitting that I sometimes lose hope, I sometimes really want to give up, and sometimes, well....sometimes I do give up, in certain ways. And what I'm saying is, I don't think it really serves anyone well for me to hold back about that aspect of myself. I don't see any of you as less when you're feeling these things....so why do I judge myself so harshly?

So I'm making an effort to talk about my life, to post about it, and to write--be it fiction or autobiographical things--no matter how my days go. Because I want to prove to myself that I am not giving up. Not anymore. I'm growing tired of my self-pity, and I know I'll feel much better if I can uplift anyone, especially those who read this. Furthermore, if I have to complain or cry or anything of that nature, I'm going to take it one step further and end on a good note. As further evidence of believing in hope, and believing that hope can lead to faith, I will always try to end my less-positive posts with something a little less saddening.

Because that's what we're supposed to do, right?

Things are difficult, maybe we don't handle it well, but then we dust ourselves off and move forward. Because backwards is no place to go.

So here goes!

I still feel like a fish out of water. I'm still not feeling like I have any sort of regular routine going, though I often do the same things each day--they're just not the most productive or necessary things that my soul really hungers for.

I'm struggling to allow myself to love it here, mostly because Phill and I are thinking about possibly incorporating a huge lifestyle change into our summer next year. And I am fighting giving over any more attachment until we know more. (Which hopefully we will by the end of November; I'll make sure to apprise everyone of the change if it comes, and I'll still explain if it doesn't.) I know it's not helping me, or anyone else, to hold back like this. I know that. I know I should accept the wonderful things that are being given me. I know that. And still, I'm stuck. But working laboriously to get un-stuck, and forcing myself through the motions in the meantime.

I'm feeling ashamed for being ungrateful for the good things we have.

I'm feeling stressed about all I have yet to get done--unpacking the nitty-gritty stuff, finding a place for everything, editing, and so on.

I feel selfish, using the letter "I" this much.

I am emotionally eating, and frustrated at my lack of self-control, and embarrassed by the fact that it shows in my very un-toned, heavier-than-ever frame. I'm annoyed that I care so much, and annoyed that I haven't done anything about it.

(That last revelation was really hard. I want to erase it so badly that my hands are shaking.)

*sigh* Those are the uglinesses that have kept me from posting, for fear they will flow from my fingertips, unchecked, and that my detested human-ness will be laid bare for all.

But in writing them, I realize this: I am so normal. So, so normal. I am feeling nothing that no one else hasn't felt.

I am not alone.

You are not alone.

After all of that, after the heaviness of the last several weeks, I finally feel a glimmer of hope, a glimpse of what I might become if I just allow God to do His work, and let go. In sharing with you, I feel allowed, now, to move forward. Rocky as my terrain may be, wobbly as my legs might be, I have hope. More hope than I've had for a while. Enough that the tears are flowing now, and I'm ready to list all the good that I was keeping quiet.

Our house has dark wooden floors downstairs. I always dreamed of floors like these.

Our backyard is big and fenced in, and has a patio and a gazebo. It does my soul good every time I look out the back doors.

We've had a few thunderstorms since we moved here, and for the first time, I understand what is meant by the phrase "rolling thunder".....I guess that in Utah, there are so many mountains and rock formations that the thunder sort of stays contained in one place, making one big bombastic boom....but here, it truly rolls across the sky, free of obstacles and running itself out completely. I need these storms; I love them so much, but Reed hates them, and it gives me repeated chances to teach him how to replace his fear with fascination.

The boys have adjusted so well to school. Jaxon actually loves kindergarten now, which is nothing short of a miraculous answer to prayer. Reed is getting stronger, I see it every day, both academically and emotionally. I am so proud of my boys.

I get hours of alone time with Savanna every weekday, and I'm so glad I do, because she's growing up so much faster than I'd prefer. I don't want to miss it. She's taller. Her sentences are more complex. Her face is longer. Her hair is longer. She's a little mysterious, which I both love and grieve.

We have several neighborhood kids who come in and out of our house with comfort. I always wanted to be the house where everyone played....I took notes from my Sarah in Saint George. Savanna plays with little twin girls, whom she simply calls, "The grils", as in, "Mom, do you think the grils are home?" Reed plays with a boy who's here for weekends; this boy loves Legos as much as Reed does. All three of the kids play out in the front or in the back for a long time after homework is done, long enough that we have to call them in for dinner and bedtime.

Our neighbors are genuine, kind, and happy. We've been invited (and have attended) BBQ's and birthday parties. They drop everything to help when they see a need (like, oh, say, Phill's motorcycle comes off the ramp while he's trying to get it down from the truck-bed, and neighbor-guy dashes over to help until the job is done....or the 14-year-old neighbor boy who watched our cats for us while we were out of town last weekend, then emphatically refused payment).

There are trees everywhere, just big open sky and trees, and I've missed seeing so many in one place.

The library is within walking distance.

Our master bedroom and master closet are huge.

The ward is an example of the finest fellowship. The moment we walked in, we were acknowledged. We've been invited to and reminded of various functions, and we learned that the ward has been praying for families to come. (We're a very, very tiny ward.)

Overall, we could drown in blessings. I can tell you firsthand that God is merciful, and does give appropriately-proportioned blessings to balance the weight of trials.

I know I am not alone, and I know that none of us are. He's always standing ready to help.

*end-note: I am seriously considering deleting this post. I feel like a whiner. Swoop in and reassure my needy self, would you, by letting me know if you didn't feel it was too negative? After such a long effort to be quiet about my difficulties, it's hard for me to gauge anymore whether I'm being a Debbie Downer or not.

21 questions to ask your kids

2011-10-02T13:07:00.001-06:00

I have a "real" post cooking, and I'll write it soon-ish. In the interim, enjoy my interview with the kids! (Thanks for the idea, Christy!)

1. What is something Mommy always says to you?

Reed: I love you.

Jaxon: I love you.

Savvy: Um...go potty.

2. What makes Mommy happy?

Reed: Be nice and not fight with Jaxon.

Jaxon: Being nice to you. And listening.
Savvy: Behave at stores!

3. What makes Mommy sad?

Reed: Saying I hate you.

Jaxon: Being mean to you and yelling at you.
Savvy: Not being nice.

4. How does Mommy make you laugh?

Reed: Tickling me.

Jaxon: Tickle me in the armpits....that was too easy.
Savvy: And saying funny things, too!

5. What was Mommy like as a child?

Jaxon: Uh....kind.

Reed: Funny, nice and kind. And a little sassy.
Savvy: Being modest. With a shirt on and pants to cover up their legs and their belly. But not their FACE! 'Cause they can't see with their eyes.

6. How old is Mommy?

Reed:24!

Jaxon: 28!
Reed: What?! 28?
Savvy: 5 and firt-teen and 16.

7. How tall is Mommy?
Reed: Uh....about five feet?
Jaxon: Uh...that's too long.
Savvy: Three-oh minutes to go to a date to marry Daddy.

8. What is Mommy's favorite thing to do?

Reed: Um....have fun with us.

Jaxon: Play teddy bears with me.

Savvy: Makeovers!

9. What does Mommy do when you're not around?

Jaxon: Go on dates.

Reed: Same thing. Go on dates.
Savvy: Go on dates!

10. If Mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?

Jaxon: Uh....uh....I....uh....you'll be famous for rat stew. Wait! A--a concert! No, cooking!

Savvy: Uh.....for....girls and boys.

Reed: Famous for taking the best photos in the world.

11. What is Mommy really good at?

Savvy: Um, cooking....

Jaxon: Sewing?

Reed: Uh, photos!

12. What is Mommy not very good at?

Savvy: Uhhhhh......uhhhhh....not cooking sometimes? But you do cook sometimes, but it feels good to you, but it doesn't sometimes.

Reed: Being mean!
Jaxon: Farting.

13. What does Mommy do for her job?

Reed: Photos! Or--I mean--a birth, and weddings. Mostly anything that you can take photos of.

Savvy: Take a bath and get a drink and put cartoons on with Daddy and put the sticks outside and be a neighbor.
Jaxon: Photography.

14. What is Mommy's favorite food?
Reed: Uh....I don't know.
Savvy: Macaroni and cheese and chicken and enchilada and tomatoes and bread and peanut butter sandwiches and Nutella sandwiches and I don't know.
Jaxon: Ravioli.

15. What makes you proud of Mommy?

Reed: When you go to weddings and take pictures. No wait--you're really nice and awesome.

Savvy: Being cool and beautiful.
Jaxon: Everyfing you do.

16. If Mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Reed: Princess Bubblegum.

Savvy: Marceline.

Jaxon: Tom.

17. What do you and Mommy do together?

Reed: Go to the mall. Have Mommy-and-Reed play-dates.

Savvy: Go at stores with each other to buy food. Go at every place that has ice cream and pizza and macaroni and cheese and that we can buy earrings and necklaces.
Jaxon: Play and be nice. And go to the mall.

18. How are you and Mommy the same?

Reed: Uh....uh....we both like photos.

Savvy: Wiff brown hair.
Jaxon: Mmm....'cause we're in the same family.

19. How are you and Mommy different?

Reed: You have long hair. Also it's a little red.

Savvy: With new long hair that has a color that is different. I don't have blue hair. Only brown hair. 'Cause my hair is brown. (That's what my hair color is).
Jaxon: 'Cause you have long hair and I don't.

20. How do you know Mommy loves you?

Reed: 'Cause she shows it every day.

Savvy: Uh....being nice and....that's all that I was going to say.

Jaxon: 'Cause you love me.

21. Where is Mommy's favorite place to go?

Reed: Mall.

Savvy: And store!
Reed: Mostly anywhere beautiful.

Jaxon: Wal-mart. Wait! The mall.

A little revelation

2011-09-13T08:46:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning with the beginnings of hope budding in my heart. I felt lighter, and though still anxious about the morning push of getting boys to school, I felt markedly different from yesterday.

I felt better rested, for one thing! But I also felt more myself. Closer to whatever it is that makes me, me.

I realized I need to write. I need to write about my emotions to fully process them, whether I write publicly or privately. When I don't write, I feel like I'm only half-living. And not just emotions. For me to understand an event, I have to frame it with words somehow.

So I'm going to write more. I know I've said this before, and haven't followed through. I know I might not even follow through this time! (haha) But just writing this down is beyond comforting, and feels like home.

Growing Pains: the facts

2011-09-12T21:37:00.001-06:00

Fact 1: It took us about 18 days total to find a house in Grand Prairie, split up into two one-day trips and a 16-day stay (just Phill) in a one-bedroom apartment provided by the Army.

Fact 2: My beloved sister Liz allowed us to stay at her house for an entire month.

Fact 3: Liz is an earthbound angel.

Fact 4: We left our house in St. George on the 15th of July, and after the 2-week stay at my parents' and the 4-week stay at Liz's, it was a grand total of 6 weeks before we were in a house of our own.

Fact 5: When Phill got here, he found out he had been mistakenly double-slotted in a position that is being phased out.

Fact 6: We threw a little tantrum....alas, it is what it is. This move was never meant to happen, but it happened. And so we deal.

Fact 7: The boys started school on September 6th, only about 2 weeks late.

Fact 8: Seven hours is a long time for a kindergartner.

Fact 9: I've given us a time-frame in which to decide whether we will continue with public schooling or make the switch over to homeschooling.

Fact 10: Our neighbors are beautiful people. Beautiful souls, good kids, and good hearts.

Fact 11: The people in our ward (which we'll attend for the first time this Sunday) call Phill "Fee-ill".....and I like to say it to myself every now and then, and of course to Phill.

Fact 12: We have a big, fenced-in backyard. It does ease the stress of moving. Quite a lot.

Fact 13: Jude is sleeping near me, on the floor, on his back like a dead bug.

Fact 14: I will bounce back from this mini-shock. I will look back and marvel at the depth of my sadness in comparison with the happiness I know is in store for us.

Fact 14.7: Tonight, my suitcase is still somewhere in Atlanta.

Fact 15: I have got to get better at this airport stuff.

Growing Pains: the emotions

2011-09-12T21:26:00.001-06:00

I've purposely put off writing this post, the post where I talk about how everything went, how everything's going, and what we're up to now. I'll give a fair warning and share with you the fact that I've just come off a weekend wedding shoot in Florida--which was so glorious, and so exhausting. It was a cathartic weekend, and because I'm still experiencing the catharsis of the last couple of days, I'm rather.....fragile-feeling. Bear with me!

I have a hard time feeling comfortable with unpleasant emotions. That being said, it makes sense I haven't written a more informative post until now--I am waaaay out of my comfort zone these days. I'm struggling in general: struggling to figure out what our new routines will look like. Struggling to create some semblance of order in a house that is lovely and large, but lacks storage and has some puzzling "quirks" that belie a less-than-proficient builder. Struggling to feel like myself, to laugh, to let go, to accept our new reality and just move forward. Struggling to forgive myself for feeling this way, because the blessings have been plentiful and specific.

I would rather skip this part, this part where I'm uncomfortable and, well, somewhat mourning. I desperately want to inspire (all of you) and encourage (positivity), but I'm sure digging deep to find it in me right now, and at the moment? Coming up with some paltry offerings.

My faith has changed form; where I was able to predict much of my life's goings-on before, now it's more.....blind. Which I suppose is the whole purpose of faith, isn't it? We do what we think we can't, we go where we can't imagine going, and then what? Hopefully, we become someone we couldn't dream of being. I am clinging white-knuckled to that hope. It takes all my powers of imagination to try seeing myself in the weeks to come, fully capable, efficient, providing all that is needed and smiling all the while. I know this isn't the worst thing that could happen by far, not at all. I know there is much joy to be found. I am earnestly seeking it, but I am beginning to believe that perhaps this is a time in my life when I am meant to seek it harder than I have in the past.

Meanwhile, I am grateful, so grateful, to have your listening ears (eyes?). Grateful to know that, when it comes to you loved ones of mine (that's you), support and comfort have been the generous gift I am inexplicably blessed with.

Thoughts from Liz's House

2011-08-12T15:39:00.003-06:00

I wrote that last post in my journal while we were driving. Obviously, some time has passed since then, and I guess that post is probably pretty outdated by now, but I thought it made for some good perspective, considering where we are now!

We arrived at Liz's here in Lawton, Oklahoma, just a day after that post. The car ride was easy beyond belief. The cats were minimally vocal, loved the hotel room, and the kids were pleasant as can be. We felt so blessed, so aware of the prayers of loved ones. We still do, though things are rather more chaotic than those couple of weeks ago.

When we arrived in Lawton, Phill got a call from HRC in Grand Prairie. "Oh, you're here already?" Not the words you expect or want to hear when you've just traveled 1400 miles with your family. It turns out, a mistake was made, a big mistake, and Phill was double-slotted for the position here. Meaning they shouldn't have moved us here at all. Meaning they're trying really hard to make up for that by moving us to Seagoville, 40 minutes away from Grand Prairie, in a few months. The best time-frame we've been given is 4 months to a year before he's in Seagoville. But no paperwork--and if there's no paperwork, it isn't set in stone. So they told us to "just find a place in between the two towns."

Needless to say, we've experienced some extreme anger and frustration over this mistake. But HRC is doing what they can to remedy the mistake, and, as they said, it looks like several people are working on a solution, or at least a more certain time frame as far as Seagoville goes. This has complicated the house search, especially when we would receive new information in the midst of an on-site rental search of Grand Prairie. Twice we've traveled the three hours from Lawton to Dallas, and twice we've come back no closer to tying this all up in a pretty little bow.

Having said all that, I can honestly say that I've learned more in the last four weeks than I have in the last four months. My patience is being tested, and I'm allowing it to grow. I feel closer to Phill and our children. I know--no matter what is happening with our timeline--the Lord's timeline is perfect. He will not give us something we can't weather.

Liz is an ongoing answer to prayers. Her home is a haven, a peaceful, welcoming place. She and my brother-in-law Pat have made us feel as if there is no timeline for us to leave, for which we are deeply grateful. The kids have gotten along so well, with minimal fighting and few meltdowns. They have enjoyed the pool in the backyard, and are handling the upheaval with unrivaled grace. I am in awe.

I don't know that I can ever repay the kindness of my sister and brother-in-law in allowing us to live with them during this transition. They are living proof that sometimes angels come in the form of earthbound people.

Furthermore, when I look back over the last six weeks, I am humbled and moved to the point of tears. I can see the Lord's hand in every area of our lives. The happiness of having family visit for the two weeks before our move. The well-timed comments and messages from friends on Facebook. The incredible goodness of friends who came and cleaned, wrote heartfelt goodbye letters, and babysat our children. The generosity of my parents in opening their brand-new home to us for two weeks, risking holes in the wall, braving stressed-out-kid meltdowns, and listening to the frequent teary monologues of an emotionally-charged daughter. The willingness of friends to let us sleep in their homes, even just for a night. My cousins, happy to host a barbeque in their home in order to host those who wanted to come give us a last hurrah. Links upon links of rentals in Texas, sent from kind and efficient friends, often right at the moment when we need them most.

Heavenly Father has never let us feel that we are homeless throughout all of this; rather, I have had this truth made known to me: that home really is wherever you are loved. I have many homes, many family members, and countless chances to see the love Heavenly Father has for all of His children.

Back soon, I hope, with updates that include a house and a more stable situation! :)

Thoughts from the road

2011-07-30T14:22:00.014-06:00

Finally on the road to Texas--the historic Route 66, in fact. After feeling the anxiety of anticipation, there is a sort of relief in finally being on our way. Thus far, we've been on the road for 7 hours. Last night we traveled from Salt Lake City to St. George, stayed the night with dear friends, and then were on the road this morning.

The sky looks huge with only the open plains to compete, and I feel somewhat vulnerable without the mountains to hide me. But it's different and exciting and beautiful. I've driven cross-country before, but it was a long time ago. After 7 years in Utah, you'd better believe this mountainless landscape looks new!

The cats have been surprisingly quiet in their carriers all day, though they are definitely stressed. The kids have been angelic, and this trip is surpassing even the best I'd imagined for it. We feel blessed.

In Which I Am Hopeful and Verbose

2011-07-17T23:01:00.000-06:00

I am sitting in the living room of my mom and dad's beautiful new home, cozy in my dad's recliner with Phill sitting in front at my feet. The kids are peacefully sleeping in the basement, and all is quiet while we occupy ourselves with silent Sunday-ish activities.

I'm finding it a little difficult to put into words all the things I'm feeling. First, because I'm feeling many different things--rather emotion-full in general. And second, because I am feeling so loved, so watched-over, so cared-for, blessed, and grateful.

Tuesday was a day when I absolutely embodied the vivid phrase "running around like a chicken with its head cut off". All Monday, after my visiting family left, I sat around. I did nothing. I knew I had a mile-long list to attend to, and, although my conscience yelled at my the entire time, I worked very hard to stay cozy in my spot on the couch.

You can imagine that when I woke up on Tuesday morning, the day the movers were to come and pack us up, I felt the full weight of my Monday negligence. I cried, I panicked, and I flew around getting next-to-nothing done in my frazzled state. Although I felt hypocritical in doing so, I dared to utter a prayer that went something like this: I know I was really dumb yesterday and didn't do anything while I still had loads of time. But please forgive me, and please help me to do all I can today. Then I did my best. I sorted laundry, trying to pack a couple suitcases and simultaneously set aside other things that would be necessary for the next two weeks. And--oh yes--I cried. Then we got a phone call from the movers, and I could hardly believe what they said. They would not come today, they would come tomorrow.

Which meant--miracle of all miracles--that I had one full day to do all I could to be prepared (like I should have been) for the packing-up.

So after sending up an ecstatic prayer of thanks, I settled into an organized plan of action, and was able to clean the house and pack us up for our time out of home. I didn't do nearly all I had dreamed of doing, such as deep organizing or other time-consuming errands, but when I finally sat down that evening, I felt a sense of comfort in knowing that I had done all I could to prepare.

After we got the kids in bed, several friends of ours came over and helped us mop the floors, wipe down the walls, and just deep-clean in general to save us some work. I watched them moving around my house and was moved to tears by their willingness to help. In their smiling faces I saw the love of God. I felt as if He were right there, whispering that it would all turn out right, that He would take care of us.

Moving day, another friend volunteered to take the kids for the day so that they wouldn't be bored. When they decided to go on a little outing to the school library, Jaxon was somehow lost from the group of kids going into the library, and went looking for Reed. When he couldn't find Reed, he decided he wanted to go home. He knows the way, and started to walk home. At precisely the same time that my friend and Reed were near panic and praying to find Jaxon, my Sarah--my beloved Sarah!--drove past Jaxon, picked him up, and called me. She said calmly, "Hey, I have Jaxon. He said he was looking for Reed, couldn't find him, and is now wanting to come home." Somehow I was calm myself when I explained that my friend was babysitting the kids, and he was supposed to be with her. Somehow I knew, too, that this was a simple accident, an oversight, and nothing that warranted my being offended, angry, or fearful. Sarah drove up to the school right as my friend and Reed were coming out of the school, and Jaxon was safely back where he was supposed to be. After a brief time at home for him to regain his equilibrium, and after reassuring my friend that we were all fine and all was forgiven and understood, Jaxon went back to her house and continued to play happily.

I say "somehow" when speaking of these surprising "coincidences" that occurred just within that small event, but I can't deny God's hand in the entire thing. All throughout, He was comforting me and helping me, and showing me that He was watching over my children. Through the rest of that day, and through the next day, too, I was given a sense of peace, a strength I can't claim to be entirely mine, and little signs everywhere that we are being guided carefully through this time.

The movers were cheerful, efficient, personable, professional, skilled, and clean.

Friends came over and helped, gave us uplifting goodbye letters, cleaned, and helped us pack the last of things.

Errands that were time-sensitive were accomplished with ease, no complications, and no interference with our plans.

When we were done packing and it was a little too late in the day to make the 5-hour trip up to my parents' house, my grandparents (2 hours away) happily put us up for the night, where we slept unusually sound, and the children were able to play for a couple of hours.

The drive up to SLC was remarkably without incident, and the kids were absolute angels. No exaggeration here, and no sarcasm. It was really nothing short of a miracle.

Having been here for a couple of days now, the kids have definitely experienced some meltdowns, some sad and some maddening--all to be patiently born and carefully navigated, as I know this is the way they're dealing with the stress. One day after we got here, we were driving back to my parents' after an outing to the park (and an awesome photo shoot that I can't wait to post). The boys started crying, and when we asked them why, they wailed, "We want to go hooome..." Savvy keeps asking, "Are we in Texas yet?" and "We will bring our house to Texas, right?" and asking our dear friend Ciera, "When are you packing your house?" I have explained more than once that we won't be taking our friends or our house with us, each time with a re-broken heart and ill-concealed tears.

But even with the stress, the sadness, the loneliness and the challenges I'm facing in trying to be patient and understanding of my kids' sometimes-extreme behaviors, I am feeling peace and I am feeling relatively strong. That is no small thing, and I keep whispering prayers under my breath for the beauty I see Him orchestrating around me.

Phill remains a constant source of security and safety to me, and every time he hugs me I know that we will be okay--happy, thriving, even--because we are together. I already feel that I've learned one lesson from this move, and that is to draw closer to my family. I treasure them, I need them. I may tell my friends that they have my heart, but my family is what makes that heart even beat.

Lastly, to close on an utterly joyful note, my other prayers (amongst my many layers of prayers, it seems) were answered--I was able to be there for the birth of my niece, who was born remarkably fast in the wee hours of yesterday morning, healthy and with a full head of thick, dark hair. My mother and I held each other and sobbed with joy while we watched Qait roar her baby into the world, her faithful husband Michael at her side. Before we left for home, we stood at the windows of the newborn nursery, looking at twelve newly-arrived babies in their blanket cocoons, a name and a place for each one. "There is hope in the world," my mom whispered, and she is right. There is nothing like a birth--or a rebirth--to remind us: We have everything to hope for.

not Goodbye, just See-You-Later

2011-07-11T21:39:00.001-06:00

After thoughtful consideration and prayer, and realizing I need my energy for other matters at this time, I decided not to run the marathon this year. I'm perfectly at peace with that decision. Jenn will continue to train and complete the marathon on her own, and I am so glad that she's going to! I've decided to change the marathon blog to private; Jenn and I were (obviously) not so good at keeping it updated and I'd like to lessen the pressure for both of us to keep it current for now.

And on to the other things on my mind:

Tomorrow the movers will come and pack us up. I've cried numerous times in the past several days, but on Saturday evening (after a non-functioning air-conditioning unit, a surprise flu-ish sickness that hit me like a ton of bricks, and not much rest in general with the excitement of family visiting) I had a bit of a breakdown. I asked Phill and my brother-in-law, Eric, to give me a priesthood blessing. They willingly did so and while I still feel sad, and still feel some of the physical effects that my nervous stomach tends to take on during times like this, I am overall hopeful. I know we can do this. I know we are and will be watched over. I'm anxious about much of the unknown. I still wish we didn't have to do this. But we must--and so we're trying to see the possibilities, the light, and just accept what comes.

I'm not sure how often I'll be able to blog in the next month. Our schedule is mostly decided, but still somewhat loose. I plan to write posts in a notebook, which I will transcribe when we have regular internet access--or if I get a quiet moment at a computer some time before then.

This is the (provided nothing goes awry or changes on the fly) plan:
Tuesday (tomorrow) the movers come and pack us up.
Wednesday they pack us up some more. (?)
Thursday we load up, and after the home has been inspected, we will go up to Salt Lake City and stay with my parents in their (brand-spanking-new) home.
August 1st--or earlier, depending on how our visiting goes in Northern Utah, and how sane we are (ha....haaa....), we leave for TX. I don't know if it will take us 2 days, 4 days, or 5. But when we arrive, we'll stay in Lawton, Oklahoma with my sister, Liz, her husband, Pat, and their four beautiful children. (And a cat named Hector! How darling is that?) We will travel the 3 hours to Grand Prairie to look for a place, and when we find one, we'll move in! Then....hopefully internet will be close to follow. And sanity, and serenity, and order, and normalcy. :)

I am grateful for our time here in St. George, and grateful for our time in Utah. I have been blessed with some choice friends, salt-of-the-earth, so to speak. My heart aches when I think of living so far from them, but I know, too, that they are loyal and will be good about keeping in touch! (You hear me, you loyal friends? Hear me? hahahha....)

So. Forward with faith it is. Tally-ho and such.

To my dear friends in St. George--'til we meet again.

(I forgot to mention!! I DO receive emails on my phone, and though it's a bit laborious to answer them from the phone, in this way I AM reachable....and of course through phone calls and text. If you don't have my number, shoot me an email and I'll send it to you.)

2011-06-02T20:48:00.000-06:00

I figured that this time around, I'll blog in a separate space about my marathon training. In fact, I've decided to try and document each run so that I can see my progress as I go. My friend Jenn will be logging her efforts as well!

full circle

2011-06-02T14:27:00.002-06:00

On May 31st, we celebrated Savanna's fourth birthday. I'm not sure yet how to pin down what I feel. A mixture, definitely, of relief (we got this far!), surprise (how on earth did it go so fast?), and of course, aching (four years....four years).

The weirdest part of the day was realizing that we began our lives here with her first birthday, and we are leaving on the heels of her fourth birthday. A time sandwiched between two birthdays, and filled with many more. As I clicked away at my sweet daughter, blowing out her one candle (we only had one--woops!), I recalled how I had done this three times a year--one for each child--for the last three years. Nine birthdays at this dinner table. Suddenly I was able to look at our lives here in a broader perspective. As if I were sitting at the table, watching the seasons change around me, four different seasons, three times. Nostalgic mathematics, the only kind I like.

I'm now in the contemplative area of adjusting to the move. I am looking back and seeing all the good, all the growth, all the ways we have changed in the last little while. I'm seeing how much time has gone by, and how quickly. I'm not forgetting the times that dragged, but I view them a little more fondly.

Best of all, I realize that in August, we will again sit around the dinner table--this time in Texas--and celebrate Jaxon's birthday, opening our book in a new place. Whatever may come, we will gather three times a year--one for each child--and while we watch the seasons change around us, we will celebrate together.

"It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone..."

2011-05-16T10:46:00.001-06:00

One day a few weeks ago, while I ran on the treadmill, as I listened to deeply inspiring music and felt really happy to be running, I was struck by an idea. An idea that I thought was a prompting, but an idea that I put off expressing. I'm not sure why. But it keeps coming back to me, and I realize that if I don't express it, it'll keep knocking around in my mind until I'm thoroughly beat-up, inside-out.

I was visualizing the marathon. The end, specifically. I benefit greatly from visualizing, and I have an emotional response when I do. So here I am, running, near-tears with the joy of what I am imagining (finishing!), and it hits me: I need to share this joy.

Not just by writing about it.
Not just by telling people about it.

But by inviting you--yes, YOU--to do it, too.

I promise it is worth it.
I promise it is beneficial in countless ways.
I promise that the very process of training will change your life, and awaken you to your potential. Not just your physical potential, but your emotional and mental capacity to do incredible things. It is the perfect metaphor for life, proving that when we make smaller steps in the right direction, day after day, we are actually gradually creating something beautiful that we will see after all the hard work is done.

This morning, out of the blue, I imagined myself and Jenn finishing the marathon this year. Then I skipped ahead to 2012, and there was another person running with us. Then 2013, and there was yet another. And the idea had finally completed itself in my mind:

I want what I'm doing--and what thousands more will do in October here in Saint George--to be contagious.

Here's what I hear you say:
Oh, you're so good. I could never do that.
Maybe if I was in better shape, I could do that.
Maybe in a few years.
I secretly wish I could do that.

I'm telling you, I'm not doing anything you can't do if you want to! I started from ground zero, physically speaking, and I'm starting from ground zero again this year (blast consistency! It is my Achilles Heel!).

If you don't want to do a marathon, maybe it's something else you're afraid of. Something else you want to do, but feel you aren't able to do.
You are able.

Maybe you feel you don't deserve it. Maybe you feel unable to reconcile yourself with the kind of person who would do that--whatever "that" may be. But the truth is, you are the kind of person who would do that. The kind of person who would conquer fear and do what frightens you the most, or what seems the most difficult.

I have your back. I'm cheering you on every step of the way. I know we forget what we're capable of. That's why I'm running again this year. To remember how it felt to do what looked impossible.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

Women of Recklessness and Kids of Iron

2011-05-10T12:23:00.001-06:00

Back in January, I promised my dear friend Jenn that I would run the marathon this year if she would. At the time, I didn’t expect her to say yes—it was a rather reckless phrase that just tumbled out of my mouth with no preamble. It was strange. I didn’t even think it first, just—POP!—out it went, into the atmosphere, never to be retracted.

But as quickly as I said it, she replied even quicker, “YES-I’LL-DO-IT.” And then covered her mouth with a gasp, terrified at the words.

I checked the lottery results today, and it looks like I’ll need to follow through—we made it in!

This will be my second and Jenn’s first. I’m both comforted and terrified by the fact that I’ve done it before. Terrified because I know what to expect, and comforted because I know what to expect. :) Terrified because I will need to fly back to Utah to make good on my promise, and comforted because I will have a friend with me when I do it. Terrified to train during such a crazy-busy summer, then in low-elevation Texas, and run a marathon in high-elevation Utah. Comforted to have something to keep my mind healthy in the midst of the relocation.

On Saturday, St. George had the Ironman. It was (like last year) incredible to watch the bikers go past only about a quarter-mile from our house. The kids and I went to go watch, and just like last year, I was choked up and teary-eyed the whole time, alternately taking photos and saying things like, “Oh my goodness, oh, be still my heart” and so on. :) It is so moving to me to see firsthand the determination and persistence these people possess, and the abject exhaustion they experience. In my less-sane moments I think things like, “I want to do that one day” or “I should really learn to swim and bike better” or “what if I did that next year”…..anyway.

This year, the boys wanted to do the Ironman Kids Fun Run, which takes place the night before the actual Ironman. They were lucky to run with Jadyn and Kai, the older two kids of my Sarah. :) Reed did the 1-mile, and Jaxon did the 200m dash. I will openly admit to crying when they both finished. It was epic to me. I’m happy for them to glean joy from running, whether it’s something they’ll continue or not. I’m happy that they felt a sense of accomplishment and did something new and potentially frightening.

The Texas-Sized Summer: Part 2

2011-05-09T11:16:00.000-06:00

Along with the huge change in location this summer, I have (so happily) implemented some change in my career course.

A habitual prayer of mine is that I will know what God wants me to do with the things He has given me--time, my family, my health, my knowledge, and my talents. I firmly believe that all good things are from God. I don't want to waste or discount what has been given. Even more, I want to discover the things that make me ME. In short, I am getting to know myself better with each one of those prayers. And the better I know myself, the better I serve the people I love.

After the (amazing, life-changing, course-correcting) Breathe Intensive, I felt that with my Mothers project, my increased leaning and beginning towards birth photography, and my renewed motivation, I was exactly where I needed to be.

But I felt like I was missing something. Some piece of the whole picture. Something more.

I prayed and listened. I wrote, I pondered, and I puzzled until my puzzler was sore. What is it? I asked. What am I looking for?

And the answer came after weeks of this process, quietly but with unmistakable impact. It came in the form of a funny, made-up word, doulographer, one for which I wish I had the copyright. (Let's assume I do, considering no one else has nabbed it yet. Hey, nabbers! Don't nab! It's mine!)

Doula + photographer = Doulographer

A doula. I needed to become a doula.

I took this answer and held onto it for a while. I prayed some more, and listened some more. I tried it on for size, visualizing myself attending the births of friends, and then people I don't yet know. I held a newborn or two (haha) and inspected their sweet faces, thinking about the lengths their mothers had gone to in order to bring them here. And then finally, I asked: Should I become a doula?

And it was like the YES was spoken to my soul. I knew it. I knew it and I cried with relief, feeling that at last I had found the missing part of the whole picture.

I will continue with my photography in full-force. This is not a replacement to my photography, but a supplement. And while I don't think I could do a good job at both at the same time, I am happy to do either.

I'm happy that as a photographer I will have this added credential. I recognize that to ask a mother to allow me to photograph her birth is enormous. For her to say yes is for her to trust me implicitly, to ask me to be present during one of the most sacred moments of her life. I want to have something concrete to my name when I ask for that privilege, something to accompany my photos.

I have ordered and received my application packet, and from April 18th, I have two years to complete all the steps necessary to certification. I am reading the first book on the reading list, and communicating enthusiastically with one of my doula-friends through email. I feel so decided with this. I don't really see the end-product of all of this, or where I'm ultimately going. I don't care. All I know is that this is where I am supposed to be. Here, now, doing what I'm doing, which is something immeasurably comforting.

It's like coming home, making this choice and moving in this direction. A couple of days ago on the phone, my mom told me that I have a few ancestors who were photographers, and (at least) one who was a midwife. It makes my heart soar to think that perhaps I'm just doing what is only natural to me....I always wanted to say, "It's what I do....it's in my blood." :D

I do have a long way to go. But I can't wait.

The Texas-Sized Summer: Part 1

2011-05-09T10:44:00.000-06:00

I apologize for the long pause. I'm not in denial anymore, but I'm still, on occasion, kicking and screaming. Bear with me!

This morning dawns rainy, cool, and gray--much like the first night we arrived in St. George, May 24th, 2008. There was the sweet smell of desert rain, which Phill had tried to describe to me numerous times. It's so appropriate that things come full-circle like this, in this, the month we first arrived. In July, we will watch movers pack all our belongings, many of the signs of our comfortable existence here, and wave as they take them to Grand Prairie, Texas, our future home. For the second half of July, we will travel around Utah, saying our see-you-laters and trying our best to cram in as much family/friend time as possible.

I am resigned to this fact. I know there's nothing to be done, as we've tried every avenue we know. It is simply what is to be. And since I can do nothing to change it, I am trying--so hard--to embrace it.

This month, we'll have Phill's mom, her husband, Phill's sister and kids, and Phill's brother visiting. We will enjoy St. George, try to stay cool in the heat, make the most of our time together, and celebrate Savanna's 4th birthday.

In June, I will teach the Scouts the basics of photography, try and be on time to my dear friend's birth, and enjoy a girl's night out in Cedar City with a sweet friend I've had since Reed was two years old.

We will make the best of our July, doing our traditional fireworks in the street on the Fourth (the burning of the toy truck is a must), spending time with friends, and then in the later half, enjoying our time with family up north, with my heart happy that I will get to see my sweet sister give birth to her second child.

We bought a large, laminated map of the U.S. that we will bring with us when we drive (around August 1st) from Utah to Texas. Along the way, we'll make a few stops at historic places (suggestions welcome), noting where we are on the map for the kids' sake. We'd like them to see how much ground we're covering. We'll also be putting pins in the map (once we're in a home) and showing them where all our loved ones are in relation to us. I will also welcome suggestions regarding traveling in a van with two cats, as it's been a long time since I've done so.

But even with all these preparations, these plans, even with all the wonderful encouragement from friends--and one who even lives in Denton, not far from where we'll be!--too often I find myself steeped in the bitter side of bittersweet. Sundays are particularly hard. We are surrounded by good people, people who love us and give us the best that friendship has to offer. Every hug, every smile, every bit of laughter and good conversation, is as painful as it is precious. Because I come home each Sunday and wonder how long it will take us to make these kinds of friendships in Texas. I feel the fear of such a big change; I wonder how my children will cope (they will cope well, but how?), and I wonder if I'm doing all I can to make this as seamless as possible. I cry almost as often as I whisper prayers of gratitude for the good people in our lives.

And then, because the ugly alternative I see is to become a mute and angry recluse, I choose to pick myself up and keep going. Keep doing the things that will help. Keep reading those emails from Heidi in Denton. Keep researching, planning, and preparing. Keep praying. Keep hoping. Keep remembering that our lives are in God's hands, and He won't leave us stranded in our sorrow.

Much as I am afraid, I know we have everything to look forward to. This will be different, that much is sure. But I am certain that God gives us no more than we can handle, and even more, gives us the things we need most. The things that will bring us closer to Him, and in turn, bring us the most joy.

I know that I have the strength to not only make the best of this, but to feel joy and excitement about what is to come. I want to meet this Texas-sized change with Texas-sized bravery. And I'm hopeful that what will follow is some proportionally-large happiness.

{30-DC} Final Day: Day 30: Part II: 20 goals you want to accomplish.

2011-04-12T15:56:00.000-06:00

I admit that I feel a little neurotic about that Part I post....I realize that most of it (most of my self-consciousness) is in my head.

As for this last part, I think twenty goals is....a bit overkill. I'm going to keep them pretty basic, even day-to-day, in nature. Because I think 20 big goals would just have me sobbing in a puddle on the floor. Pretty overwhelming.

1. Clean my master bedroom today

2. Put away at least three loads of laundry today

3. Make time to read the awesome book I've started, The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane.

4. Have friends over for dinner this week

5. Organize the hall closet before next week

6. Attend Relief Society meeting tonight.

7. Paint my fingernails.

8. I'm starting to run out of goals. This is definitely overkill. Time to get reeeeally basic.

9. Get up from the computer.

11. Breathe. (Actually, this IS easier said than done, considering my allergies are really raging today.)

12. Eat dinner.

13. Sleep.

15. Skip #14.

16. Be more selective about blog challenges, reading them through to the end before commencing.

17. Greet Phill with a big fat peanut-butter-tasting kiss (Nature Valley granola bar, thank you very much) when he gets home

18. Laugh (already done)

19. Repeat #18

20. Call it good

GOOD.

{30-DC} Final Day: Day 30, Part 1: A picture of you today

2011-04-12T15:33:00.001-06:00

I had some fun trying to get a good self-portrait for today, using my camera remote. Some of the photos were hilariously off--like focused on my shirt instead of me, or just completely off the mark altogether. Some of them were revealing in the in-between moments they caught--like my stressed out face, or my mad face (the remote was wigging out), or my pensive (and somehow sad) face. Totally appropriate, considering today I've been pretty all over the place, emotionally speaking.

Anyhow, what I'm getting to is this: I'm going to post two pictures of myself today. One that shows all the flaws that I'd rather hide--roughness of my skin, zits (my skin has been absolutely hellish for the last several months), forehead wrinkles, dryness....and then another photo where I've taken away those things that really bug me.

I know you know that I edit photos of myself and present my best-edited face to the world. I'm not opposed to putting my best face forward, not mine or anyone else's. I know I'm not hideous. And I know that many of you who read this, see me in daily life and know that I'm not near as pristine as the photos I try to produce. But I'm trying (really) hard to be more comfortable with the things I cannot change about myself. My wrinkles aren't going anywhere. My zits--well, I'd LIKE to bid them good riddance, but they seem mighty comfortable here on my face. The thing is, I don't really want to depend on my looks to help me feel emotionally sound. I'll take good care of myself however I can, but I know, too, that how I look is not the most important--OR the most interesting--thing about me.

And I forget this. All of this. Especially on days when I'm having a bad hair day and hormonal skin and ill-fitting clothes and body issues. Which is why I'm posting this. To remind myself as much as to tell anyone else.


This is actually a good day for zits....I usually have four times this amount.

{30-DC} Day 29: In this past month, what have you learned?

2011-04-11T11:58:00.002-06:00

I know this is random, but I have learned....wait for it....that I actually like Oprah! I know. I'm shocked, too.

No really, after being so set in my slight distaste for most things Oprah (it really was slight), I saw THIS (not a full version--maybe it's on Hulu) and could only conclude that I have sadly misunderstood where she was coming from. And seriously, this cleared it up--in a huge way. I love what she's after. I love what she stands for. I think she is a great force for good.

{30-DC} Day 28: A picture of you last year and now--how have you changed since then?

2011-04-10T23:56:00.000-06:00

Brand-new Penny in my arms

This photo is from April 2010.

For one, we don't have sweet Penny Lane anymore. I still miss her from time to time, but I'm also still sure we made a good decision in giving her a better place to live.

Two, I look pretty pale in this photo because I was still somewhat recovering from my septum surgery and couldn't stand much time in the sun. (Felt like my nose was baking, inside-out....so weird.) At this time, April 2011, I can say I do have a smidgen more color to my skin than in this photo. Gladly.

I can honestly say that I'm happier than when this photo was taken. It's not so much that I was terribly unhappy, but I feel like I just had so many unresolved feelings that I was trying to sort out. I still have some, but to a large extent, I feel more peace now than I did then. I know myself a little better. I feel a little more forgiving of myself and a little more in tune with what my purpose is.

With continual heavenly help and some earthly angels, I've overcome specific heartache. I've written some posts I'm proud of, this one in July 2010 being one of them. I have watched my children grow and felt the bittersweet joy of mothering them; how fast that time has gone. I have had answers to prayers, some of which have come in the simple form of just helping me know where I want to go with my work.

Pretty good year. :)

{30-DC} Day 27: Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?

2011-04-09T23:39:00.000-06:00

Because I figured it would give me a good temporary framework for some blog posts!

Because several of the questions intrigued me.

Because I wanted to see if anyone else would, and I was curious about their answers.

{30-DC} Day 26: Places you want to visit before you die.

2011-04-08T23:33:00.000-06:00

Oh, SO many.

Africa

Greece

Italy (Rome, Venice, FOOD)

Mexico

Canada

Maine (I've been randomly obsessed since I was 10)

New York City (technically, this would be a re-visit; I was so young the first time that I don't remember)

Chicago

Boston

San Francisco

And some re-visits:

Savannah, GA

Paris

Mons, Belgium

Heidelberg, Germany

Tacoma, Washington

{30-DC} Day 25: What would I find in your bag?

2011-04-07T23:25:00.019-06:00

I really ought to post a fun photo of all the contents of my purse, but I'm not feeling that energetic, seeing as I'm trying to catch up late at night. Off the top of my head, here's what is usually in my purse:

My wallet

My checkbook

Two small notebooks

Two pens

A small clear plastic zip-up makeup bag that holds: a comb, hand sanitizer, hand lotion, Chap-Stick, and Tylenol (brilliant idea via Abby)

A mini first-aid kit

My keys

My phone

A few small wallet photos

A hairband or hair clip (for those staticky moments or hot days)

Alba brand lip stuff (favorite)

A bag of almonds -or- a granola bar -or- a bag of pistachios (we won't re-hash some epic blood sugar meltdowns I've had)

We can safely conclude that I am paranoid and vain....OR that I just really like to be prepared for various scenarios!

{30-DC} Day 24: Share a story about your past that you are ashamed of.

2011-04-06T23:21:00.000-06:00

The things that I felt shame for are things that I've since made peace with. I know it isn't productive, even in jest or folly, to re-hash any specific incidents. I have made mistakes, big and small--many times--and I continue to make mistakes. But when I do, I try to make it right, and I firmly believe that part of making it right is that you don't catalog the guilt for future reference. And that's hard enough for me to do--without a blog challenge bringing it back for me!

{30-DC} Day 23: What is something you crave?

2011-04-05T23:01:00.001-06:00

I like this question! It has lots of possible applications.

For instance, FOODS:
I crave Krave frozen yogurt (that's funny, isn't it). Pineapple Dole whip. Passionate About Peach. Chocolate. Blueberry. Mango.

I crave fresh produce--cantaloupe, strawberries, greens, celery, carrots, apples, oranges.

I crave chocolate chip cookies.

I crave dark chocolate--Ghirardelli dark, 72%.

Or STATES OF BEING:
I crave peace.

I crave comfort within my body, and a healthy body.

I crave adventure.

I crave order.

I crave light.

Or DREAMS:
I crave a house I own.

I crave family togetherness and family reunions.

I crave the gift of knowing just what I want and the ability to go after it.

I crave more time. For time to be stretched out so my babies quit growing up so fast, more time to become better at the things I need to improve on. More time to read, more time to lay in the sun, more time to clean and cook and exercise and just sit and breathe.

Hilarious sidenote: In the middle of writing this, I carried several bottles of nail polish to the trash can--colors I was tired of, or colors that had run out--and guess what I did? I dropped a bottle of polish on the tile kitchen floor. So it shattered. And painted part of the floor a muted pink. Nice, huh?

{30-DC} Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else.

2011-04-04T22:55:00.000-06:00

I don't know. Questions like this always make me feel weird. I like feeling connected to others, and part of that (for me) is being able to find common ground. I could list a few things that I feel make me "different", but the truth is, a bunch of other people would probably feel set apart by the very same things. So....I opt out of this one. I'm such a rebel, I know. :)

Oh wait. I got one. Something somewhat unusual, I guess. I haven't lived in any one town longer than 3 years. It's rather amazing to me, in fact, that on May 25th, I will have lived in the state of Utah for 7 years.

And then a couple months later, we'll be moving again. But I'm not fully addressing that elephant in my living room yet. I want to organize my thoughts on the subject first. (Meaning, I'd like it to be more coherent than the hour-long sobfest I indulged in on Wednesday.)

P.S.-I know I fell behind. I don't care. Hopefully you don't care, either, and don't mind my efforts to gracefully catch up.

{30-DC} Day 21: Share a picture from your day.

2011-04-03T22:57:00.000-06:00

This is actually a picture from yesterday. Today was filled with conference-watching, lounging around, and play-dough and a conference game I made up called Conference Eggs....it was a really good day.

Saturday picnic.

{30-DC} Day 20: If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

2011-04-02T08:19:00.000-06:00

*sigh*

I'm sorry to be so predictable. I really am.

I would wish for world peace.

Go ahead, plunk a Miss America crown on me, smear some red lipstick on my smoocher, and call it good.

I would wish for a million dollars. Or a trillion. Whichever. "If I had a million dollars..." (Have you heard that song?)

....and....I would wish...for superpowers. No joke.

This has got to be the most original 3-Wishes post EVER.

{30-DC} Day 19: Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.

2011-04-01T08:10:00.000-06:00

Well, you know the background of my nickname, LuLu (which also happens to be the name of the blog...).

A long time ago, I called a guy friend of mine "Jill", and he called me "Fred"....and the nickname "Fred" came from my friend Megan ("George")....for no reason that I can remember!

And....my dear friend Kathryn called me "Joe" one day, and I called her "Peaches", and....that stuck. (Again, for no apparent reason)

And....my nickname, Rae--which I often feel is more my name than Rachel--is family-originated. Started with a relative, Anna Rebecca, being called Rae for short, and then my aunt Rachel was called Rae, and so...I am Rachel, called Rae!

{30-DC} Day 18: Plans/dreams/goals you have

2011-03-31T07:55:00.002-06:00

Ooooo....as a dreamer, I like this one! I am often making lists of things I'd like to do or be, and then making sub-lists of how to become those things. And before I go to sleep each night, I'm usually daydreaming. Lately, I've been working really hard on making those dreams become reality--rather than just written lists or sleepy daydreams. I have many, many dreams. I've shared lots of them here. I think my heart is pretty plainly displayed on my sleeve. So if these things are a bit redundant, well, feel free to skip this post. ;)

I think that when you begin to put into action the steps necessary to accomplish your dreams or goals, it all becomes one thing. Plans, dreams, goals--they all mesh. They become one thing. So here's my (rather abbreviated) list:

-Attend a Natalie Norton workshop

-Attend a Blue Lily workshop

-Live in a house with a big backyard and lots of natural light, enough to make me light-drunk, and a space for me to hang tons of photos

-Make enough of a living from photography or writing that Phill could quit or retire and do whatever he wants to do, and so that we could dictate our own schedules....well, HIS. Because I pretty much dictate mine. But I think it would be so incredible if Phill could be home whenever he'd like to be.

-Write a book that makes (good & powerful) waves where it matters most

And these last two, well, these are....new. Kind of tentative. Meaning, they're things that have come to mind many times, and I'm not sure whether they'll be a part of my life, or if they will, when...just...things on my radar.

-Being a doula

-Homeschooling

{30-DC} Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

2011-03-30T19:55:00.000-06:00

I think I really take the fun out of these challenges with some of my answers. I'm not trying to be difficult, but questions like this one, I just don't know how to answer! Because really--no matter how complicated life gets, I wouldn't trade Phill for all the world, and I wouldn't trade my children for all the world. Really. Ever. So--in keeping with my sort of roundabout way of following the unspoken rules of this challenge, I'm going to say that if I could trade places with myself a few years down the road, I guess that's who I'd pick...because I'm working hard to progress and grow, and because I'm giving it my all, I can only assume (with lots of hope and prayer) that the Me a few years down the road would have some valuable personal growth that I am presently wanting.

Now....if I HAVE to pick someone, and since it would really only be for a day...because I love them and sometimes I feel my empathy isn't enough, I would pick any one of my sisters, or my mom. I'd love to know what it's like to be in their shoes.

{30-DC} Day 16: Something you could live without.

2011-03-29T19:44:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure if this means something that annoys me, or if it's actually asking me to list the (many) things I could live without. Hm. We'll go with something that annoys me.

I could live without Clearance Sales that aren't really clearance. What I mean is:

When you are putting an item on clearance, your purpose is--at least as I understand it--to clear that item from your inventory. So to mark an item down like this--"CLEARANCE! 30% OFF!"--just annoys me! That's not clearance! To me, anything up to 40% is a sale, but anything 50% off or more is clearance.

So um...so there. :)

{30-DC} Day 15: Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.

2011-03-28T19:32:00.000-06:00

{Sorry--obviously I'm trying to play catch-up with the challenges}

The general purpose of my shuffle is for working out, so most of the songs on it are intended to motivate me to MOVE, with a few calmer exceptions.

1. 4 Minutes (the Glee version of the song by Justin Timberlake/Madonna)

2. Barbie Girl (HAHHAHAH...circa Heidelberg 1998. Sweet.)

3. No More Drama (Mary J. Blige)

4. Seven Nation Army (White Stripes)

5. When I Come Around (can't remember who sings this; too lazy to look it up....and, sidenote, instead of him saying, "When I come around", I used to think--at the age of 12--that he was saying, "Land of Colorado"....)

6. Hello (Glee version of the song...I know. Weird.)

7. PMS (Mary J. Blige...again...I know, totally random)

8. Dancing With Myself (the Glee version--see a pattern here--by....who?)

9. Starlight (Muse--this and Sing for Absolution and Time is Running Out all make me run so much better)

10. Beautiful (Smashing Pumpkins)

{30-DC} Day 14: A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.

2011-03-27T10:48:00.002-06:00

Source

I actually showed a great deal of restraint and only had 3 of these babies today. I made PW's Marlboro Man's Favorite Sandwich for dinner, so...you know...I had to show some reserve in the dessert area to make up for all the butter. ;)

10 Confessions:

1-I watch too much TV. But I'm actually actively working on it, and my plan is working.

2-I haven't exercised regularly for a couple of months.

3-I like how long my hair is and would cry, feeling a loss of Hair Mojo, if I cut it.

4-I sometimes wonder if I've reached some unsuitable age for having really long hair. (Then I quickly decide there IS no such thing. Poo-poo to that.)

5-I let the kids stay up until 9:30 tonight, two hours past bedtime, because 1: I was feeling lazy, 2: It's Friday and 3: All three of them were playing blissfully together...and I like to encourage that whenever it happens.

6-Sometimes I'd like to re-create a scene from my 12-year-old days in Colorado, when my little sisters and I used to go out in the backyard at night, in our thin nightgowns in the summer, and sing My Fair Lady songs while dancing on the patio.

7-I read a lot of Young Adult books. Right now, The Mysterious Benedict Society. Just finished the 2nd.

8-I pick my nose.
Addendum: I worry about over-sharing, but obviously not enough.

9-This commercial makes me cry every time. Without fail. No matter how stone-cold I try to be whenever it comes on, I'm at the very least welling up with a lump in my throat by the end, or just full-on weeping while the kids stare at me in confusion.

10-I tend to forget to check the mail for days at a time.

{30-DC} Day 13: Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.

2011-03-26T10:48:00.001-06:00

Key words: "something you could never tell them"....

I can't think of anything, and if I could, I could never tell...obviously.

Zero points for dumbness, 30-Day Challenge....

{30-DC} Day 12: A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.

2011-03-25T22:38:00.001-06:00

Alright, listen.

I know you don't really want to see the dirty clothes that are usually all over the floor, or the random toys here and there, or Phill's makeshift "office" or "kitchen" that is usually on his nightstand....(mail...bowls...wrappers...pens...). You already know I'm very much human, very imperfect, and very much prone to normal (and also really gross) household messes. You don't need to see them to know they happen.

I mean, I don't even want to see that mess. Which is why I TOTALLY CHEATED and CLEANED IT thoroughly before I took these pictures. I don't feel even a smidgen of guilt. Plus I'm excited about our new bedding (Ikea) and our new bed (King), and I didn't want the usual mess to take over center stage. So.
I know this is just a silly detail, but I love this pillow. Love it. Eventually I'd like this (and the gray bedspread) to be the inspiration for the whole room. Someday. I know they're kind of two different styles, but...I like them both. A lot.

Also, what is that little appendix in the title? Share a secret? About what, specifically? My room? Um....about my life? About what, exactly?

I'll go with random.

Sometimes, when I don't want to share a treat/food I'm craving with the kids, I hide in the pantry. Abby has gotten texts to the tune of, "How's your day going? I'm in the pantry. Orange creamsicle. My day is going awesome."

Cutest detail in the room, and frequent night visitor. She had to be in at least one picture. :)

{30-DC} Day 11: A picture of something you dislike.

2011-03-24T09:15:00.002-06:00

OKRA.

Source

Now, I've never tried it fried, and I have faith that it could taste good fried....as many things do when covered in greasy yummy fat. But the one time I tried it I almost threw up, and I will not share the comparison I made--because you'd probably throw up, too.

I tried to find a picture of two other things I dislike--darkness and apathy--but it turns out, those are difficult things to photograph. :)

{30-DC} Day 10 - A story about a past relationship.

2011-03-23T09:08:00.018-06:00

Here's an (unfortunately true) story for you.

Once upon a time a boy I was kissing burped in my mouth.

And I'm stopping there.

{30-DC} Day 9: Something/someone you’re proud of.

2011-03-22T12:37:00.005-06:00

Aside from the "normal" things I'm proud of--my marriage, my children, my birthing of those children, etc., I'm proud of the fact that a few days ago, I made several dinners, labeled and froze them for quick future use. I am THRILLED about that, because now, instead of panicking about what to make for dinner at 5:30 (and resorting to Little Caesar's or McDonald's), I can just thaw it and make it. Ta-daaaa! This'll be especially helpful on Wednesdays--which go like this, usually:
4:30 - 5:30 Scouts (which I need to go to because I'm a leader, not just because Reed is in it)
Dinner
6:00 or 6:30 Phill's meetings at the church
8:45 Phill comes home
9:00 Phill goes to basketball
I forgot to mention that at 7:35, I collapse.

I used the cookbook Once-a-Month Cooking for a sort of jumping-point (in fact, I actually ended up only using one meal from that cookbook, oddly enough--Taco Soup) and then most of the other things I froze were crockpot meals that I just assembled (doing the prep and putting it all in a labeled bag or dish) and just need to be thawed and thrown into the crockpot. (For three of my recipes I used Fix It and Forget It--I'm doing Easy Teriyaki Chicken, Hearty Beef Stew, and Melanie's Cordon Bleu. In case you wanted to know.) Then there are other things that are easy to freeze, like marinated chicken (LOVE Mel's Kitchen Cafe--her Lemon Garlic Chicken is a staple around here) and homemade macaroni and cheese.

So that's it! I'm proud of dinner. :)

{30-DC} Day 8: Short-term goals for this month, and why.

2011-03-21T15:18:00.002-06:00

I tend to try to keep my goals pretty simple. I get overwhelmed when I focus on more than two. I would say my (two) short-term goals this month are:

1: To make sure I remember my mom's birthday and Ciera's birthday and get them SOMEthing for the occasion.

2: To stick to my self-imposed (and self-made) Rule of 4x10. While the kids are awake, I am only allowed to be on the computer for 10 minutes at a time, up to 4 times before 5:00. Between each 10-minute-sit, I require myself to engage in at least 20 minutes of non-computer productive activity. This ensures that I get dinner going at an appropriate time and also ensures that my children see more than just the back of my head all day! I tend to get sucked into whatever I'm doing and just....sit....and sit....and before I know it, I've wasted a day. After the kids are in bed, I allow myself whatever computer time I want or need, but usually by that time, I'm just wanting to sit on the couch next to Phill if I don't have any editing to do. I don't always stick to this rule, but when I do, I notice a HUGE difference. Which is why it's a goal of mine to be more consistent with it.

{30-DC} Day 7: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

2011-03-20T15:09:00.010-06:00

source

I know this might seem like the expected answer, but it's true. If my relationship with the Lord isn't where it needs to be, I feel the impact in a major (and negative) way. If I'm doing what I can to be close to the Lord, I feel the impact in a major (positive) way.

{30-DC} Day 6: A hobby you have.

2011-03-19T15:02:00.017-06:00

Hmmm....a hobby.

Reading. I love to read. Usually fiction, but most anything.

That's a really short answer. Here are some others:

Baking

Eating chocolate

Projects!

D.I. hunting

Revamping old things

Decorating

Pretending I know how to decorate well

Running (sometimes)

Traveling

Facebook (I know, not surprising)

{30-DC} Day 5: A picture of somewhere you've been.

2011-03-18T14:45:00.010-06:00

Panama, of course....are you sick of Panama yet?

Also Panama.

Probably pointing at something scary. Panama.

I BELIEVE this was Colorado Springs, 732 Squire Street, to be exact....in our front yard. Q, help me out--this is CO, right?

{30-DC} Day 4: List fifteen songs that represent your life's soundtrack.

2011-03-17T13:25:00.001-06:00

Brown-Eyed Girl (Van Morrison) - I remember my dad singing this to me when I was really little, and all the way up to present-day time...

California Dreamin' (Mamas and the Papas) - We went on LOTS of road trips growing up. This was a staple of those road trips--I remember my dad singing it in the van at the top of his lungs. We'd do the background. It was awesome. :)

Ironic (Alanis Morisette) - I listened to this in my bedroom, in the basement of our house in Colorado Springs, at the top of my lungs. I remember recording it from the radio and then replaying it again and again until Abby finally came in and gave me a look. You know, a look. That spoke volumes.

Feliz Navidad - When we lived in Panama, I heard this for the first time--during the Christmas season--and I thought it was the coolest song I'd ever heard. Probably was, considering I was only six. It's very nostalgic for me.

The song in this documentary - If you know the title and composer of the song, please tell me? My mom and I have been trying to remember. Anyway. I used to sit in the car after everyone had gone inside and turn up this piece of music really loud, and I would just sit in the car letting it wash over me and cry. Just because it's beautiful and evocative and I feel transformed when I listen to it.

Distant Green Valley (Yo-Yo Ma and the Silk Road Band) - I can never go wrong with Yo-Yo Ma, for obvious reasons! But this song is from a CD I found when Phill was deployed. I listened to it in the car for weeks and weeks, wherever we drove. It makes me hopeful and happy and thoughtful.

From the same CD--Mohini (Enchantment) - This song is just so beautiful to me.The whole CD, really. (Silk Road Journeys: Beyond the Horizon)

You're My Best Friend (Tim McGraw) - This is the first country song I heard that I actually liked. And guess why? Because Phill is the one who introduced it to me. Long story short, it's "our" song. :)

Don't Speak (No Doubt) - Listened to this all the time after I found out the boy I liked didn't like me back anymore. I was 13. I was devastated.

Let it Be (the version from Across the Universe, w Carol Woods and Timothy T. Mitchum) - This arrangement just reaches in, grabs my heart, and won't let go. It kills me. It honestly changed my life, in that it changed the way I think about this song and the time period in which it was written, in relation to my life now.

Ringa Ringa (from the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack) - I just realized the strange scope of the songs I'm listing here. What can I say? I like variety. Actually, I like what I like--and then when I like something I listen to it for weeks. And then move on to the next. :) The kids love to dance to this one.

If You Could Hie to Kolob (particularly this arrangement) - I love this hymn. It's really fun to play on the cello, and I've had some memorable spiritual experiences that involve this hymn.

O My Father (a hymn) - I could list several hymns, but I'll pick this for the second one. I love it.

I Dreamed a Dream (Les Mis) and Think of Me (Phantom of the Opera) - Yes, I'm claiming two here--Abby and I sang the songs from both of these all the time. Not just these two, but whatever else we could find. Sometimes we even fancied that we sounded just as good as the real performers. :) And....*ahem*...we sang together again last Thanksgiving. So. This isn't just an old tradition. It's current, too.

Last one! This is hard, actually, to limit myself to only 15! Who would've thought?

My brother-in-law recently introduced me to Janelle Monae--and she is UH-MAZING. I LOVE her. Here's Tightrope.

{30-DC} Out of order, because I forgot it! Day 3: A habit you wish you didn't have.

2011-03-16T13:16:00.003-06:00

This is easy. I've beaten this one into the ground: Sleeping more than is needful.

But I'm tired of that one, so another habit I wish I didn't have is: Being hard on myself.

{30-DC} Day 2: A picture of something you cannot live without.

2011-03-15T13:16:00.000-06:00

First and foremost:

source

I don't really know any other way to picture the gospel of Jesus Christ/my religion, so that will have to do.

And then of course, a given, my family:

{30-DC} Day 1: A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

2011-03-14T14:07:00.000-06:00

Photo courtesy of Merilee Photography

1 - I've lived in Panama. (Not a new fact, but interesting nonetheless, right?)

2 - I like to watch girlie tween movies when Phill is out of town. The cheesier and girlier, the better.

3 - Sometimes I pick 'n flick (boogers). I know it's gross. Don't hate.

4 - I don't like sharing a blanket with Phill at night. He's not a hog--but I sure am.

5 - I have recently taken up meditation. It's a revelation.

6 - I have a soft spot for all things sock monkey.

7 - Sometimes I consider hiring someone to do my sweeping and mopping for me, I hate it that much. (Note: If you would like to come mop/sweep my floors twice weekly, for 8 weeks, I will gladly do a photo session for you....I'm completely serious.)

8 - I daydream about picnics in a large backyard with a pitcher of ice-cold homemade lemonade on a cheery yellow or red picnic table.

9 - I love olives. Green, black, kalamata. I love 'em all.

10 - I'm still scared of the dark. I manage it well, but I just really don't like darkness!

11 - I really love the smell of the pillowcases in my grandma's house. She doesn't use anything special--they're just beautiful and fresh and smell like....clean linen.

12 - I cry when I watch Monsters, Inc. and The Incredibles.

13 - The first movie I remember watching is Bambi. I will never watch it again.

14 - I love tea sets.

15 - One of my feet is half a shoe size bigger than the other.

30-Day Challenge!

2011-03-14T13:37:00.000-06:00

{A.K.A.--I think this will help me come up with good ideas for blogging more consistently}

So I've decided that to lighten things up a bit, I'm going to do this 30-Day Blogging Challenge! Anyone who wants to, feel free to do it, too!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

Day 02- A picture of something you cannot live without.

Day 03- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

Day 04- List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 06- A hobby you have.

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why.

Day 09- Something/someone you’re proud of.

Day 10- A story about a past relationship.

Day 11- A picture of something you dislike.

Day 12- A picture of your room & don’t cheat by cleaning it. Share a secret.

Day 13- Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.

Day 14- A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.

Day 16- Something you could live without.

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.

Day 19- Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.

Day 20- If you had 3 wishes, what would they be.

Day 21- Share a picture from your day.

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.

Day 23- What is something you crave.

Day 24- Share a story about your past that you are ashamed of.

Day 25- What I would find in your bag.

Day 26- Places you want to visit before you die.

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned.

Day 30- A picture of you today & 20 goals you want to accomplish.

sweet little nothings

2011-03-11T13:36:00.000-07:00


I was happily babysitting this darling bundle, Toryn....

...and Savvy was right next to me, at baby Toryn's head, quietly looking at her and occasionally extending one finger to stroke her soft cheek or smooth her silky hair. Suddenly Savvy points at Toryn's eyes and says in a delighted, high, quiet voice, "Mom! Her flashes! Her teeny tiny flashes!" I was confused for a split-second and then got it--and Savvy continued in the same excited voice, "I have big flashes. And you have big flashes. You wear makeup on your flashes. But Toryn has tiny flashes! They are soooo cuuuute." And then she giggled and patted Toryn's head.

Yesterday I had Jaxon in the clinic because of a high fever that wouldn't go away. While we waited for a long time to get his strep-test results back (negative, "just" an upper respiratory infection), Jaxon remained on the exam table, too tired to bother sitting up in one of the chairs. His eyes, which were already droopy to begin with, began to close and I wondered if he would fall asleep on the table. Suddenly his eyes popped open and he said, "Mom, I'm just going to close my eyes for a little while. I might sleep because it feels good." Then he closed his eyes and lay still, while I admired his insanely long lashes and felt sad for him. After a little while, he moved from his side to his back and said, "I'm cold." I said, "Are you? I could hold you." And he said, "But I know how to make myself warm." And with a little smile, he pulled his arms into his shirt, pulled his knees up under it, and lay there on his back like a turtle in its shell, content and cute.

Reed is into extreme statements. For instance, when one aspect of his day doesn't go well, it is "the worst" day of his life. Understandably, I have experienced some exasperation in trying to teach him that a day can be mostly good, even if he has to do homework or clean a toilet or isn't allowed to get a candy bar at the store. But I actually like this habit when it's turned on its good side--like when he got to play at his best friend's house for a few hours: "Mom, this is the best day I have ever had!" or when I let him have a third cookie: "You are the best mom EVER" or when he's having fun with Savvy and Jax: "I love you more than anything in the whole wide world."

Savvy is into shrugging, as in the shrug and "uh-uh" that means, "I don't know." Her favorite thing is to ask me a question when she knows I'm distracted: "Mom, is my hair blue?" -"Uh-uh...(shrug)"....then she repeats my answer with the clarification: Shrug + "I don't know". She's also into narrative prayers, and I am loving it. "And please bless that we will have fun. And thank you for our food. And Jesus Christ is my friend, and he loves me, and he loves mama and daddy and Reed and Jax and me, and he will come to my house and hug me, and I will say I love you and he will say I love you and I will say bye and he will say see you later"....

Lately Jaxon is discovering the beauty in silence. He has always been, how should I say....good at relaxing? Kind of a chill homebody. But last Sunday something must have really spoke to his heart, because as the kids sat at the counter while I made waffles, he said, "Mom, can we whisper? I like when it's quiet." So we whispered for about ten minutes, and he sat there with the biggest smile on his face and the sweetest sparkle in his eyes. We had a brief discussion of what sort of environment we need to cultivate for the Spirit to be in our home, and it was just a time that was full of peace.

Reed has walked (by himself) home from school and to school from home a few times this last week. He is happy as can be. (You know, happier than he's ever been in his whole life, in the language of extremes) I'm happy that he's happy, and I'm learning to (very slowly, with clenched fists and jumpy-stomach) let go. It's exciting and unnerving and wonderful.

Lastly, not leastly, we are house-hunting. I'm hesitant to say more until we have something solid, but rest assured that I will document the journey and keep all of you posted!

Natalie Norton: An Embarrassingly Shiny Tribute

2011-02-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

I was on a roll for a minute there, wasn't I? And then 10 days with no posts? Ah, well. No matter. I'm all for starting over!

I had the incredible opportunity to attend Natalie Norton's Breathe Intensive last Tuesday. I feel like singing from the rooftops about it, believe me, but I also don't know where to start--I'm still processing half the stuff she so generously taught us. I just have to say, because it will be such empty silence if I don't SAY what my heart is singing so loud--that Natalie is one of the most wonderful people I've met, and to know her (even just to meet her) is to love her. She felt like my fifth sister. She radiates light and goodness and warmth, and while I'm obviously pretty agog at her talent, like a crazy fan (that I am), she remains so friendly and relatable. {Dear Spell Check, will you stop underlining relatable? I tried spelling it four different ways and STILL you insist on that ugly red squiggle. There is no pleasing you.} I was also touched by the beautiful women who attended the intensive. Their stories were poignant and powerful, and I feel like I am forever changed. I really could go on ad nauseum {REALLY, Spell Check?! N-A-U-S-E-U-M!....really?! No soup for you.}about how wonderful the intensive was and how wonderful Natalie is, but just know that I am fired up and so excited about my next steps! I'm still puzzling about what those next steps might be, but I've got an inkling, and it does involve, at the very least, THIS....and I mean it this time. I'm so ready.

"....thank you for being a friend..."

2011-02-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

{I couldn't do without the Golden Girls theme song quote for this post. Just so hilariously appropriate.}

My sisters tend to love the people I love. And I tend to love their friends, too, either through them or when I ever meet them.

Sometimes I'm full to bursting with appreciation for my sisters' friends, and I want to shout from the rooftops about it, so this blog is my roof at the moment:

Friends of my sisters, THANK YOU! Thank you for calling them when you feel prompted to do so. Thank you for bringing them dinner when they are so sick they can hardly move. Thank you for watching their children so they can go on dates with their wonderful husbands. Thank you for praying for them, for crying with them, for laughing with them, and for loving them as they are, in all their beauty and complexity.

If I could be there every moment any of my sisters need me, I WOULD...but I can't. And I do believe that is one of the many beautiful reasons we have friends in this life. So THANK YOU, sweet friends of my sisters, for doing what you do!

Sunday stream-of-consciousness

2011-02-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Phill had drill today. I didn't want to go to church. But the messages in class today were ones I needed, the kinds of lessons that prompt me to thank the Lord that I made that oft-repeated and often-difficult decision to wake up, get my children and myself cleaned, dressed, fed, and go to church. It was three hours rife with answers I had prayed for.

After church was over, we walked fast in the mild cold to our van, the children behind me like my little ducklings in a line. All of us sleepy and hungry, we got home and sort of came apart at the seams, strewing belongings and requests left and right. Jaxon: "Mom, will you plant my zucchini seeds?" and in the same breath, "Mom, can you unbutton my shirt?" Savvy chimed in, "Pea-butter-jelly. No, turkey. No, pea-butter-jelly-turkey. No, hearts. Mama, I want hearts." While telling Savvy that candy hearts would be part of her lunch, I changed into more comfortable clothes and hid in the bathroom for a second, composing my mind and still thinking of the lessons from church.

Lunch made and eaten, we settled into the couches to watch Swiss Family Robinson. While the kids watched with stars in their eyes, I remembered my younger reaction to it (starry-eyed, too), and then got very, very sleepy. I kept myself awake by wondering what, if any, part of this movie was true. (Hardly any of it, turns out)

From my blanketed warmth on the couch, looked at the messy living room, the lunch food on the table, the dirty tiles of the floor, and the hopeless paper explosion that is the desk, and remembered one of the lessons from today--a lesson on work. The value, necessity, and joy of hard work. Ironic and necessary, given my current state!

I have grand plans for tonight and this week, plans involving organizing and preparing and pulling myself out of this slump. Should I take Before & After pictures to chart my progress and add a little steam to my motivation? :)

My Family: Reed

2011-02-08T09:25:00.019-07:00

You might have noticed an additional name added to the queue at the top of my interviews the last few days. The truth is, it's not additional, it was part of the queue all along.

I sent this in an email to my siblings and a dear family friend a couple of days ago:

Something has been bugging me about my interviews, something that has nothing to do with your answers or anything YOU all did...

I want to address our brother Reed, but I don't. I don't want to deny that he still lives in my memory and that I feel he is still very much a part of my family. But I also feel guarded about what I share about him, because....well, I don't know why. Maybe because it's a subject that sometimes makes me cry...Or maybe because it's a somewhat complicated subject to approach on a blog, and doesn't need to be approached in that forum. But every time I looked at the list of names above our interviews, I felt wrong that I didn't include Reed's up there. Just incomplete and almost like I WAS being in denial or something, or being somehow fake.

The responses from my dear loved ones had one thing in common--they were compassionate and full of good ideas. The gist of what they suggested was--do what you will, we love you. And even better, a couple of them willingly shared memories of my brother Reed with me, memories that make me feel as if he's not really so far away, or that the time between now and when I get to see him again will go fast.

The fact remains that my brother Reed died when I was 9 and he was 17. It is something I don't write about, and don't much blog about except in rather roundabout ways. I don't mind talking about him--I love talking about him; I love him--but my thoughts and feelings for him are something quite personal to me, and....a blog is a very big space in which to disperse such things.

So it follows that I've thought for a long while about what I could possibly say about him, if anything, that would honor his memory and still give you, my dear friends, some idea of who he was. See, I have this bad habit. I tend to avoid talking about or working out things that cause me a less-than-manageable amount of emotional pain. If it hurts, I don't like it. But in the last several months of hard-earned personal growth that I have experienced (through blood, sweat, tears, and prayer), I have (I hope) gotten better at gently examining those things that are not as pretty to think about. Things that aren't comfortable. Things that make me even more vulnerable than I already feel I am. I read a quote a few days ago that hit me to the quick, especially in light of this recent endeavor.

"...[do not] sacrifice hope in order to bury pain. The Lord is the one who can heal all pain, and as we trust Him, He reminds us that we have everything to hope for."

I want to be clear: No matter my earthly pain over losing my brother, I have never and will never lose hope that I will see him again when my spirit leaves my body. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I know that my family will be complete again. My children will know my brother.

And though I know I don't need to publicize this in a public forum to make it real, I am choosing to openly express that I am forever blessed to be Reed's sister, and his life was a masterpiece in its own right.

I could never summarize him--just as I can never summarize my other siblings, and just as most people really shouldn't be summarized in the first place...but I am choosing to share a little of him, and a whole lot of my love for him, and I am pleased to celebrate his life.

* * * * * * *

When I was 7 or 8, we had some of that "ancient" computer paper--the really wide, large pieces of paper with the perforated sides? I would take the sides off and make little paper springs by folding them together in alternating squares.

Anyway, one day I decided to make a mailbox using this large computer paper. I taped a piece to my bedroom door, then taped three sides of another to that piece, and wrote on the front in large letters, RACHEL'S MAILBOX. I drew beautiful pictures on it, then sat down in my room to wait. After about five minutes of tense and excited waiting, I realized I hadn't told anyone about it. So I made the rounds through the house, letting everyone know I had a mailbox and if they had any mail for me to please direct it to my mailbox. Then I sat down to wait again.

As the minutes wore on, my patience waned, and my excitement turned to bitter disappointment. I sagged with the letdown. I wandered around the house, forlorn, wondering what everyone could be doing that was so important. I leaned in the doorway of Reed and Isaac's bedroom, where they were bent over their notebooks, drawing and laughing with each other. Reed looked up and quickly assessed my mood. "What's wrong, Rae?" I couldn't help but cry. "No one has given me any mail yet!" Reed smiled and said, "Hey, I bet if you wait just a little longer, you'll get some mail soon!" He sounded so sure that I had to believe him. I took to my room and busied myself with my miniature horses, quietly hopeful. Some time passed, and then--so quiet it was almost unmistakable--phith--the sound of paper against paper. I waited a moment in agony, and then opened the door, slid my hand into the huge sheets of paper and, shaking with joy, pulled out a beautiful piece of art.

He didn't stop there. Long after everyone else had (followed his example and) given me mail, he gave me another note.

And, distraught when I couldn't find these precious pieces of paper some months after his death, I prayed desperately, and my prayer was answered when I found them--intact and beautiful as ever--in one of the drawers of my desk.

I look at those letters from him and I see again the way his eyes lit up when I ran down the stairs and flung my arms around him to thank him. I see his smile and his handsome face, and I remember that though he is far away from me during the rest of my mortal life, his love, his impact, his imprint, never left.

My Family: Isaac

2011-02-05T09:46:00.039-07:00

Madelyn * Kathryn * Me * Abigail * Elizabeth * {Isaac} * Reed

One of my favorite memories with Isaac is when I was probably about 7, and we lived in North Carolina. We were in the living room, and I had a corner of a blanket held in each hand, flowing out behind me, while Isaac was teaching me how to "fly". He would draw a squirrel flying off the couch in various attitudes, and I would try to replicate what he drew. He and Reed used to call me and Abby "Algae Biscuit" or "Lard Token"....names so obscure and only vaguely insulting, but Abby and I--believe it or not--would fight over who was which one! So Isaac and Reed would laugh to the sounds of, "No, I'M Algae Biscuit!" and "But Isaac said YOU were Lard Token!" One of my favorite things about Isaac is his happiness. In fact, his name means "laughter", and it's completely appropriate! He used to create entire dialogues with a sock monkey I have (once she was Cyndi Lauper and went on Oprah; another time she was a beauty consultant; another time she was wearing a diaper....) He makes beautiful art, beautiful food, and beautiful conversation. He makes my life sweet with his open heart and generous spirit. Isaac:

What brings you most happiness?

Happiness comes to me in its true and pure form from within through my connexion to what I call Holy Spirit, Divinity, and Source, among other names. I experience happiness as being my own essential nature and the nature of life. Therefore I do not look for or truly find happiness in the outer world of ephemeral manifestation, but rather in the inner world of Being.What would you say is your occupation currently, and/or what would you prefer it to be in the future?

I’m currently working at couple of jobs, including a part time position in the supplement department at a natural foods store and a part time position as a sort of machinist and research consultant with a company that makes water structuring tools.

I also offer nutritional consulting and remote energy healing to preapproved clients. In the future I will be working to provide exotic alchemical, energetic and/or spiritual supplements. I also anticipate being quite active as a music producer in the coming years, with my own record label called Magnetic Flame.What is your favorite memory with Rae?
Favourite… that’s hard to pin down. She and I have a unique connexion that involves a deep acceptance and appreciation of each other that transcends any particular experience. I remember when she and I used to run together in Hinesville, Georgia; I enjoyed that, and the conversations we had! I remember how intense Rachel has always been, and I love that about her. She has always been kind to me and respectful.

What makes you laugh really hard?

Oh, I laugh a lot. The last time I remember laughing uncontrollably, actually rolling on the floor and squealing and such, was when I was hanging out with my friends Erika and Kae, and we found a video online where two men were studying a rare sort of parrot in the jungle somewhere, and the parrot mounted one of the men and tried to mate with his head. The parrot was up on the back of his neck and was going at him, and its wings were beating his head like crazy, and the man was just tolerating it. The man was british, and instead of listening to the audio of the video, we were listening to – oh, what was it? – it might have been Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” but I don’t quite remember.

You know, it’s not something that’s easy to predict, what would make me laugh really hard. So often it’s about something being a surprise.
What are three of your favorite family memories?
Spending time together at the fabulous, magical rope swing at Lake Gatun in Fort Espinar, Panama.

Playing “mole” when we were little: making a huge pile of blankets and pillows and crawling around in it.

Visiting places of amazing natural beauty while on road trips.

Our brief stay at Noriega’s guest house in Panama. The house was a bit creepy to me, but the time together as a family was great (not unusual!) and the cliff where the house was situated was an exciting place to be. I enjoyed the drive there.
Come to think of it, I used to really enjoy going on drives and road trips with Mom, Dad, and my siblings. When I was really young I was usually very much in my own imaginary world, which involved imaginary creatures and superhero types.

What do you do to relax?
I like to sit or lie down in a dark quite place and focus on my breathing, then I focus on my heart, and I just let go of all concerns, surrendering all of my cares and needs to Goddess/God.

Three books you love?
Frek and the Elixir, by Rudy Rucker. A really fun science fiction novel.
No Attachments, No Aversions, by Lester Levenson. A book with a spiritual message that resonates with me.
Science and Human Transformation: Subtle Energies, Intentionality and Consciousness by William A. Tiller. A book of brilliant science.

What are two favorites of all the places we've lived as a family?
Panama and Colorado. Both are beautiful, magical, and beloved to me.

What do you love about where you live now?
Many things! I love how green it is, and how many trees there are, and how sweet the spring and summer are, and how the winters are mild but not too mild, and how the sunsets are long in the fall, and the sunrises are long in the spring, and how the days are long in the summer, and the nights are long in the winter. I love the little birds that hang out in the trees in our yard, and the raccoons that live in the backyard, the cats that hang out in the alley, the squirrels that chase each other through the trees, the bumblebees that fly around the flowering mint, the white and pink roses that grow so vigorously every year, the tough blackberry vines and their generosity with their fruit… There are a lot of nice people here too! I could go on and on, but let’s leave it at this.

Tell us about your family (your kids, spouses, people who make your life joyous and full, people you are happy to be surrounded by....)
I have no kids and no spouse. I live with several dear friends and I have a beloved girlfriend. They are all creative people who love music and art.

I have two dear friends, Glee and Reese, who are 7 and 9 years old, and we often play make-believe games on the trampoline. I love these times when we use our imaginations to create characters and stories and entire worlds together.

I have about a dozen core friends who I love dearly.

What does your dream home look like?
My dream home is alive… there are plants all around and within it, and the walls and floor and ceiling are cultured with beneficial microbes. There are lots of soft and inviting surfaces to rest and play on. There are at least two large trampolines built into the house. There is lots of light (mostly natural) and good ventilation. Cats and other animals live there too. There are pianos and other musical instruments available for anyone to play. There is a very well stocked kitchen with excellent appliances such as a Vitamix.

Do you have pets? Tell us about them, and maybe briefly share a memory of one of the pets we had as a family.
I have no pets. Someday I will probably adopt a kitten.

Years ago our family had a turtle for while. I loved that turtle but it didn’t seem right to keep him. We also had some horny toads (actually lizards whose state of sexual arousal was totally ambiguous to me) and I felt like they were unwilling captives as well.

Reed had some mice for a while that kept on having babies. The father kept eating the babies, and Reed eventually fed him to a snake that a neighbour kept.

Of all the pets we ever had, Elroy the Rocket is the most beloved to me. I will always love him! I bonded with him when he was a kitten. When he was little we used to chase each other around the house at night, hiding from each other, and surprising each other with fake attacks. It was so exciting! I remember the sounds of him running across the house at top speed. He’d burst round the corner and fly through the air at me with all four limbs splayed, claws deployed, and then bounce right off me and go run and hide. Then I would find him and pounce on him, grabbing him for just a split-second, and then I would run away so that he could hunt me down again.

What do you like to create? What makes you feel most create-ive?
I love to make music, and to draw, and to make up recipes. I enjoy collaborating with people, especially doing make-believe games with my kid friends on the trampoline, creating amazing adventures together.

What do you love to eat?
Macadamia nuts, green smoothies, cherries, raw chocolate smoothies, weird and exotic novelty items, raw milk, quesadillas with basil and cilantro and avocado, quinoa with vegetables, blueberries….

What is your favorite thing about where you are right now? (This can be Where You Are as in the state or city you're in, or Where You Are as in what your life is like, etc...)
Oh, I love that I am in a place where I feel loved and loving, thankful and appreciated, easeful, happy, abundant and content, and connected to Divinity.

P.S.-If you think of something more you want to share/add, feel free! I have no problem with that.

Okay… Words that describe qualities that I cherish in my family:

Silly and Playful
Caring, Loving, Kind
Intelligent
Humble
Beautiful
Sincere
Courageous

That’s it! Thanks for asking.

With love and care,
Isaac A. Boatright

My Family: Liz

2011-02-02T21:09:00.002-07:00

Madelyn * Kathryn * Me * Abigail * {Elizabeth} * Isaac * Reed 

Liz is a dynamic balance of gentle and kind and determined and brave. Like me, she cries when happy or touched or sad or mad or tired or laughing--and that might be one of my favorite things about her! She ran track in high school, and was fast and fluid, "like the wind", my dad said. She did French braids, ponytails, and all other manner of hairstyles for her four younger sisters, and she painted our nails. She once memorized a passage of the book Matilda (for a speech class?) and let me tell you, her rendition of the Trunchbull was oddly spot-on, coming from our loving Liz. (Still waters run deep.) Liz was usually first on the scene when any of us cried, most likely to be behind the scenes helping things run smoothly, and last to leave a laughing session. She was, and always has been, just what I needed. Liz:

What brings you most happiness? Trying to follow Jesus!

What would you say is your occupation currently, and/or what would you prefer it to be in the future? Homemaker currently; future: homemaker and published author, counselor/therapist

What is your favorite memory with Rae? Hard to pick only one; first one that comes to mind is laughing at the cats outside our window in La Maisiere, the Belgium guest house.

What makes you laugh really hard? Rae! Seriously! This one story she told me . . . well, I don't know if she wants it posted . . . also, I like Brian Regan . . . [Liz, what is this story?]

What are three of your favorite family memories? (Long, short, silly, otherwise--whichever) not in any order: 1-going to a movie as a family & then all of us leaving together b/c it was inappropriate; it helped me feel secure & learn to be less afraid of what other people thought of me/us 2-the tree house, rope swing, and Lake Gatoon in Panama! 3-going to Dad's office for Halloween, camping out watching movies and eating candy Dad bought for us

What do you do to relax? I put my ear buds in and listen to nice music, hold really still (if possible), and/or read and escape into a book.

Three books you love (and why, if you feel like typing that out) To Kill a Mockingbird, Huckleberry Finn, and Bonds That Make You Free.

Two favorites of all the places we've lived as a family Panama (I was eleven. Blissfully unaware of political drama with eyes only for the flora and fauna) and Colorado (I was in my prime! 11th grade)

What you love about where you live now The Wichita Mountains aren't far; we go often, hike, boulder, and rock climb. It is so quiet and peaceful. Except when you see a buffalo really close--that's an amazing experience but I wouldn't call it quiet or peaceful exactly . . . I love the quiet neighborhood, the laidback feel of the people here, the great people I have met, through school, church, and at the library.

Tell us about your family (your kids, spouses, people who make your life joyous and full, people you are happy to be surrounded by....) Eleven years ago, with absolutely zero doubts and a soaring heart I married Patrick Edward Davis, who has helped me be a better person and made me laugh. We have four children-Seth, 9, Josh, 7, Claire, 5, and Andrew, 3. People who make my life joyous and full? My friends and family!! I feel blessed with true, good friends, everywhere I have lived, which was a lot of places. I sorely miss my dear friend Marguerite, who I moved away from in San Antonio, and I currently have a special friend here in Oklahoma by the name of Melissa!

What does your dream home look like?Seriously I feel like my current home is a dream home to me! I guess in the future I'll change a few things but I don't really think about it much b/c I feel so content!

Do you have pets? Tell us about them, and maybe briefly share a memory of one of the pets we had as a family. Not yet--hoping for a kitten! One day! And maybe a small, cute, nice dog that's already potty trained?

What do you like to create? What makes you feel most create-ive? I like to create stories, poems, puns, things with words . . . I think what makes me feel most creative is writing a really good well-organized essay or journal entry.

What do you love to eat? Pretty much anything--I do love to eat! I guess I don't love things that are too spicy, and I really have not acquired a taste for Brussels sprouts yet.

Liz lives in Oklahoma [where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain, and the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet] with her husband, Pat, and their four kids.

My Family: Abby

2011-01-27T11:02:00.003-07:00

Madelyn * Kathryn * Me * {Abigail} * Elizabeth * Isaac * Reed

Abby doesn't like to be summarized (who does, really?), but she doesn't mind being explained. She can usually be found reading, organizing, making a list, making delicious food, homeschooling her wonderful daughters, spending down-time with her brilliant husband, playing the piano, or laughing so hard that she cries. She shares with me a secret and somewhat-embarrassing love of Twilight movies, and an unabashed love of: all things birth and babies, young adult literature, new recipes, selective shopping, and dark chocolate. We also share obstinance, over-thinking, and Middle Child tendencies, which may or may not be a reason for a rather rocky year or two of our adolescent years of sisterhood. (Or maybe it's just because we were adolescents, which is both a word and stage that I hated.) Abby and I call each other just about every day, for reasons ranging from big {hey, I'm coming to visit!} to non-existant {hi. I just called to say that. So. Hi.}, and she has been the patient, ever-present witness to my growing-up, even the most painful aspects. If I could put ear-plugs in her ears so she wouldn't hear me summarize her in this one word, I would say that word is: Constant.

So. Without further ado. Abby:

What brings you most happiness?

At this point in my day? I'd say having my girls in bed and getting a chance to hang out with Eric (usually watching TV).

During the day - knocking things off my to-do list and those moments where I actually manage to really enjoy the girls! (This is a fine art I am still striving to perfect. If you have kids, you know what I mean. If you don't, someday you will.)

Overall?? My family and living the gospel. :D

What would you say is your occupation currently, and/or what would you prefer it to be in the future?

My current occupation is like many other moms. I'm a professional chauffeur, housekeeper, psychologist, chef, and schoolteacher.

I have thoughts of a piano studio full of young students and am excited about the latest curriculum I'll be checking out. In the future, I have my sights on finishing school with a degree in Elementary Music Education. Strangely enough, I have no desire to teach in a traditional school with a degree like that, but I'd love to teach groups of kids on a private basis or at a charter school.

Sometimes I dream of completing a degree in nursing and then a Master's in Midwifery to be a Certified Nurse Midwife, but I don't know. I can't do everything as much as I would love to and music calls to me a little (maybe just a little) bit stronger.

What is your favorite memory with Rae?

Favorite? That's hard. What about favorite funniest memory with Rae? Oh wait...maybe those are a little too embarrassing for her (and me!) if I were to share them. Hahaha. One word Rae -- ballet. Can you think of a way to share that story without embarrassing us? Don't forget the egg.

One to share with everyone else...

I'm at a loss. Rae was with me everywhere we went. Aside from a short time where we didn't get along (blame hormones), there are just so many memories! I remember that when we lived in North Carolina, in the purple house, for some unknown reason I loved walking down the street to visit an elderly couple. I don't know why. It was really unusual considering all the other things I did with my time. But I remember Rae liked to go with me to visit Bob, Hazel, and their poodle (ack! urg! poodles?!), Dolly.

I love remembering playing at Grandma's with Rae. But I can't think of the words to describe it and make it sound as amazing as it was. If you've read Rae's essay (Rae, link here!) "June in Junction", you'll get an amazing picture of the things we did. (My, I'm not very verbose tonight, am I?)

What makes you laugh really hard?

Farting so loud at night that I woke myself up! I still crack up when I remember this. The best part was that at first I didn't realize it was ME. "Wha? What was that?" Bwaahhahaa! (Us Boatrights and bodily humor...never failed to disrupt us while trying to gather for family prayer....poor mom and dad...)

Conversations with my four year old.

E: As she walks down the hall, "Ah! Someone keeps giving me wudgies (she means "wedgies")."

E: "Ugh! Someones's still giving me wudgies. Oh! It's me!"

Watching my one year old get dressed, in everyone else's clothes.

Hearing my one year old catch on to different phrases and how to use them.

B: "Mom, watch."

B: "Mom, I want that. Now."

What are three of your favorite family memories?

1. I love remembering the short time we lived in New Jersey (9 months). Being a family of nine made it hard finding places that fit us all and the military put us up in a duplex and cut a doorway into one of the walls to join the two apartments. It felt like something out of a story. Two kitchens. Lots of rooms. And Reed, our oldest brother, slept in the kitchen on a cot and liked to wash his laundry in the dishwasher and buy his own ice cream to have handy in his own freezer.

2. I used to love going on road trips as a family. Our trusty old van, Beulah, was perfect for our big family. Eight seats, and a huge back section for cargo. Our dad built a frame in the back to fit luggage underneath and then he placed a thin mattress on top. I don't think we could get away with it nowadays, but we would climb back there and play on the mattress on our long road trips. It was up at window level too, which must have looked strange to passersby. Isaac coined his own version of the round, "Scotland's Burning" on one of those road trips. We loved to sing and we loved to sing familiar things. That meant lots of repetition! We used to sing "Scotland's burning, Scotland's burning, Look out, Look out, Pour on water, Pour on water, Now it stops, Now it stops." Is that a really old round or does anyone else know it? ANYWAY...Isaac's version went like this:

Broken record, broken record

Repeat, Repeat

Lift the needle, Lift the needle

Now it stops. Now it stops.

I am amazed at our Mom & Dad's patience on trips like that. I daydream about taking our kids on long roadtrips (longer than a day), but doubt it'll ever become a reality. I am remembering through the rose colored glasses of a child. [I, Rae, would like to add that although we had pretty lax rules about the mattress in the back (SO COOL), my mom also did Seat-Belt Checks every half-hour....she'd call out, "Seat-Belt Check!" and if you were buckled up, you'd get a mini snickers or a couple of Starburst. Once I kept my seat belt on for two hours straight and ended up with a huge wad of Starburst that I shaped into one giant ball. Abby was grossed out beyond belief.]

3. The Christmas before I got married, we all spent the holiday at Grandma & Grandpa's in Junction. We played so many board games. The highlight of that visit was playing Clue. Isaac started it really. He decided to make a "chart" of some sort that would help him figure out cards he hadn't even seen by writing down the suggestions of others and taking careful note of who could and couldn't prove them wrong. It caught like wildfire and we all slaved away trying to come up with our own style of charts to help us win the game. It made for a fun (if long, as we updated our charts) game of Clue! [P.S.-Isaac cheats at Monopoly.]

What do you do to relax?

Play the piano, watch TV, read books. Eat chocolate.

What are three books you love?

I read such a variety of books. But the main uniting factor of most of the books I read at this stage in my life can be summed up this way -- compelling and engaging stories (whether real or not). Three favorites that come to mind are:

1. Left to Tell -- the truly amazing (TRUE) story of a woman who discovered God amidst the Rwandan Holocaust

2. These is My Words -- a wonderful story based on the author's grandmother's life, but fiction. It's been a year since I read it and it still sits with me. I like to think over it and remember all the details. I loved finding all the things I felt I could relate to, with the main character, Sarah. I loved reading about such a strong woman. It made me want to be stronger myself.

3. The Lonesome Gods -- a classic. And yet, it's Louis Lamour! Fun, huh? So good. What a story. What depth in the characters.

I just love a good story.

What are two of your favorites of all the places we've lived as a family?

Panama

Germany

What do you love about where you live now?

fresh fruit my neighbors bring me

winter that feels like spring and sometimes summer

5 1/2 hours away from my Rae

living close to the Happiest Place on Earth

having annual passes to the Happiest Place on Earth

a backyard with a swing set, monkey bars, and playhouses for the girls

Tell us about your family.

My family is awesome. We're a little crazy, but we have a good time. Eric and I have four girls who manage to be very girlie while simultaneously being very "boy". Anyone who thought they only had to worry about boys breaking windows or causing destruction around the house -- hasn't met my girls. But on the flip-side, they are also the sweetest, cuddliest, girliest, girls you've ever met. I can't believe how old they're getting to be already. Autumn turns TEN this year and loves all things Harry Potter. She is in 3rd grade but already reading the fifth Harry Potter book. Heidi turns EIGHT this year and is obsessed with Hello Kitty. Really obsessed. Like squeal at the store when you see anything Hello Kitty, kind of obsessed. Esther turns FIVE this year and will start kindergarten. She loves playing violin and Tinkerbell. Becca turns TWO very soon. She is a joy. And a little spitfire. Eric is almost done with school. He's been in school since before I met him. 1996 to 2011 with breaks in between for a mission and working (and thinking school was not what we wanted). This December he will graduate from USC with a doctorate degree in Vocal Performance. WE will graduate with a doctorate, I should say.

What does your dream home look like?

My dream home doesn't look like anything in my mind yet. Currently, it's a bullet list of all the things I want in it. Oh wait, sometimes I joke with my friend Melissa that her house IS my dream house. We tell them to let us know when they're ready to leave because we'll be more than willing to move in. So here's the bullet list, if you're still here reading...

- an entryway

- a "doored" (what's the word for that?!) music room/studio off the entryway

- master bedroom a half floor up from the main floor

- a crawlspace/playspace under the stairs that leads to the master bedroom

- an open family room/kitchen/dining room plan

- guest space

- a laundry ROOM (not hallway, not section of kitchen)

And really, I think that about sums it up! Not too much to ask for, right? Someday, I'll find out...

Do you have pets? Tell us about them, and maybe briefly share a memory of one of the pets we had as a family.

We have two cats, Louis - as in Louis Armstrong, and yes, he's black, and yes, I know -- not very PC. Deal with it. We're musicians. And Izzy. Short for Isabella. The female lead in the opera Eric was in when we got her. Louis is everyone's cat. Autumn is Izzy's person. They are a lot of fun.

Growing up, we were definitely a cat family although we did have the occasional bird, dog, mouse, and hamsters. I think Elroy won a spot in every one of our hearts though. He is the only cat that was as "pro" as he was at detecting raw emotion. He just knew when someone needed a little extra love. We got that from other cats we owned, and I get that from our own cats now -- but never to the degree that Elroy did. He was really special that way.

What do you like to create? What makes you feel most create-ive?

I like to create

Lists.

And order.

Do I get to keep things that way?

No.

But I'll take one out of two.

It's interesting that what I "like to create" and "what makes me feel most creative" are not the same things! I feel most creative when I'm with the girls doing science experiments, crafts, drawing, doing art, or playing creatively (forts, masking tape trains...).

What do you love to eat?

Chocolate. Fruit. Salads that work as your entire meal. Homemade bread. Big, delicious sandwiches. Usually on french bread.

What is your favorite thing about where you are right now?

My brain is really winding down now. I'm amazed that I've made it this far in one sitting. At church I feel like I have ADD/ADHD because I can barely concentrate on the lessons. That's what happens when you spend all day with kids and kids' attention spans. And spend more than a year serving with the kids in Church. So...I'm calling this one already covered by the earlier question that is similar, although slightly different. :D

Lastly, will you explain a family phrase of ours, which is: "Psst....Bernard. Pass it on."

We have a secret code in our family. I know it started with Reed, but I'm not sure if he thought it up himself or if it came from a book. [I think my mom said that the boys needed a non-embarrassing way to say I Love You in front of friends?] But he would lean over and whisper, "Pssst. Bernard. Pass it on."

Bernard = I love you

We've kept up the tradition for years.

On a semi-related note, we also had a secret password for opening the door if we didn't recognize someone at the door. It went like this:

Person at the door: "Who killed Amalickiah?"

Person waiting: "Teancum."

The other day I was telling the girls about whether we wanted to use it in our own little family or make up our own.

Esther said chimed in, "How about -- who killed the babies?"

??!! Oh, wait...

We also just started studying the New Testament as a family and had just finished our scripture reading for the morning. We had just read about Herod killing all the babies when he couldn't find Jesus.

How's that for a secret code? I think it sure would throw people off. No scriptural names to go from either. So no worries that someone would know Amalickiah's killer but have poor intentions. I kind of like it.

Abby lives in California and blogs at Business As Usual

My Family: Qait

2011-01-23T08:57:00.015-07:00

Madelyn * {Kathryn} * Me * Abigail * Elizabeth * Isaac * Reed

Qait, who is married to a gorgeous man (in and out), lives in Utah, and is pregnant with her second child, loves to: play legos, have alone time, draw, play her harp, read, laugh, make food for loved ones, engage in quiet and usually-harmless rebellion, snack in secret, and make up songs with Maddie, amongst other things. She entertained a Barbie obsession in her younger years, but not one you might expect....her obsession was with popping off the HEADS of Barbies...and she got sent home from our dear friends' house a few times because of it. (Years later, she and Maddie would invent a game called Bop the Barbie. We'd set up the Barbies on the island countertop, their chins holding them up, their heads the only part visible above the edge of the counter, and throw beanbags at them from far away.) One last fascinating fact about Qait is that while I can definitely see her joining the ranks of the likes of Elizabeth Stanton and Susan B. Anthony, were she born in a different decade, she's also rife with Martha Stewart/June Cleaver tendencies that (I believe) round her out just beautifully. (Lurv you, Q.)

What brings you most happiness?

Fulfilling my role as a wife and mother; there are comparable things, an example being the creation of music, and I find a lot of reasons to be happy in life, but those two things are the highest on the list because being the best mother and wife I can be helps me feel more and more like the divine daughter of God I am.

What would you say is your occupation currently, and/or what would you prefer it to be in the future?

I am definitely a fully occupied mother. And I do think that's awesome! But I love my hobbies! I am a harpist, and that is a great passion of mine. I'm also a beauty consultant, and that's more fun than I would have imagined! I feel quite ambitious and want to someday do more; I want to illustrate children's books, I want to learn the fascinating sciences of food and become an expert on nutrition and cooking, I would love to learn more about interior design and even clothing fashions, and with those skills I would be content if I only used them to sew my own clothing and decorate my home.

What is your favorite memory with Rae?

This is a hard question you ask!!! :) I have so many, but the most precious memories to me begin with the night we couldn't find Isaac. We held each other on your top bunk and cried. We also prayed, and we both comforted each other with our faith and inexplicable trust that Isaac would be alright. That is a very tender memory. A lot of my favorites include times that we comforted each other, either by laughing together or crying together or even being bitter together (just for the sake of having sympathy and sharing honest feelings). There were lots of times that we went on "adventures" together, and I remember relishing your cautious nature because it made me feel even more brave-- I knew I impressed you with my fearlessness, and I loved it. It gave me a chance to feel like a leader.

What comes to mind right now is that for a while in Colorado we liked to walk to the curb together and watch the sunset. I loved being with you. I felt honored when you included me, because I thought everything you did was fun and interesting. One night we even took a thermos of soup or chili to the curb, with Mom's permission, and I felt like our little walk to look at the sunset was a really special time together. We didn't talk much, and it was perfect.

One more thing, brought to mind for its similar time period and feelings. We often biked or walked together to an old, seemingly abandoned fire station where there was a soda machine which for some reason only held orange and grape soda. Each only cost a quarter, which made us feel rich and independent. When we got there, you'd always have me pick first so you could pick the other soda. And I always wanted to pick your favorite--just to be like you--but in the end, without fail, I got grape and you got orange. And we'd sit by a ditch close by and share sips.

What makes you laugh really hard?

I will be honest: gas. It just does.

But also, Michael makes me laugh-- he is really funny when he wants to be! And I laugh with my sisters, always, and perhaps even more with Isaac. It's almost like anything Isaac does can make me laugh, maybe because it makes him laugh too. Belly laughs! I also love to laugh with my parents. And I love to make other people laugh--sometimes that's even more satisfying!

What are three of your favorite family memories? (Long, short, silly, otherwise--whichever)

1. One I think of quite often is when Isaac and all of us girls played in the snow in the front yard of our house in Colorado. We made a grandma snowman, who had little snowballs packed around her head for hair or curlers. And we all tried to make an igloo, but we gave up when it collapsed in middle, and we tried to then make it into a slide. That turned into more of a throne, and we plopped Maddie on top of it and pretended she was a queen. It was all so invigorating and fun, and we laughed together and played for a very long time before coming in for cocoa and blankets.

2. The guesthouse in Germany-- I specifically love that time because I recognized it as a peaceful time for us all, when I had expected to be frightened and lonely in Germany. Things felt orderly to me because I did my chores and was careful to read in my scriptures and pray every day. I knew it made a difference. And I loved the way everyone seemed to feel on vacation, relaxing together as if it were summer instead of winter. That was a delightful Christmas, with our skimpy tree and beautiful German ornaments (I loved the fact--perhaps too much--that they had been purchased from the store "Katie Wolfhart," and I said that name as often as I thought I could get away with it).

3. BOOBY TRAPS! This is maybe cheating. I love ALL of our booby traps memories, and I've always loved how that tradition sets us apart from other families. We had particularly special Christmases because of it, and I think it's one way I've remembered each Christmas from year to year. I loved the way we kids planned together and banded for the special event. I loved the challenge, and I loved having assigned buddies for what felt like a secret mission. Sneakiness was my forte, I thought, and I loved a chance to explore it. I also loved the way we had so much fun together with it, every single time.

What do you do to relax?

Almost invariably, I snuggle down in a comfy seat with a book. Even better when I have food with that book. I do not choose to nap for relaxation, even though I often need it--napping annoys me because I feel like it's such a waste of time. I'd rather waste time while being awake. I also love to watch movies while cuddling with Michael. That's always very relaxing.

Three books you love?

It should be obvious, but I'll point it out anyway, that I love SO MANY books that these aren't necessarily the top of my list.

1. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver - I felt like it changed me life. I felt so deeply affected by it, as if I'd lived in Africa as one of the daughters (any of the daughters-- I related to each in some way or other).

2. Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden - Again another book that seemed to transport me to its place of occurance (Japan). The narration is honest in a very deeply poetic way. As with the Poisonwood Bible, I felt like my mind had been expanded. I felt like my wisdom had grown as well as my understanding of the human heart and soul. Sometimes that's what does it for me in a book-- I love to learn more about people and why they live the way they do, why they think what they think, how they feel about life and how their understanding of life came to what it is.

3. A Northern Light by Jennifer Dosselly - This is a very recent read of mine. I relish honest writing, and this book was full of it. It was beautifully pulled together, made into a complete story not by a perfectly happy ending but by how real the character's feelings were. I understood her, and I understood her reactions to the sometimes jarring things she learned about life.

What are two favorites of all the places we've lived as a family?

Colorado and Belgium. I have so many wonderful memories revolving around Colorado! I loved our home, I loved my sense of freedom in our neighborhood, and I really, really loved being a child there. It was a perfect childhood-piece of life.

Belgium resonates with my introverted ways. I actually love the grey days, the rain and the wetness. I love the ancient buildings. I love, love, love the somber and mellow landscape, the lazy b'jours of the people, and the quiet feeling of walking down an endless road that seems almost handmade in its meandering path, surrounded by wetly bright green meadows. If I painted a picture of my inner character, the part of me that loves to ponder and say nothing, Belgium is me.

What do you love about where you live now?

I am in my own home (well, apartment, but it counts). I love that my home reflects my desire to create an orderly environment where the Spirit is felt and where there is kindness. Beyond my home, I love that we live close to a lot of "things to do" or "places to go." We are friends with our neighbors, we live across the street from the church. There's more opportunity to be social than I've felt existed before, and it seems perfect for our stage of life. Oh, plus, I love that I have learned how to navigate really well. I don't really get lost--makes me feel powerful. :)

Tell us about your family (your kids, spouses, people who make your life joyous and full, people you are happy to be surrounded by....)

Michael and I met the "traditional" Mormon way: at BYU-I, in class. But we're cool and different, I promise. ;) We met because I needed a ride, and a guy friend of mine, eager to help me, found me a ride with Michael. Goodbye, eager friend! Thank you forever! It's a delightfully long story, actually...
Michael is getting his Masters in composition at BYU now. He has no shortage of original ideas, and his professors have great expectations of him. We have a son we call Ender, who is almost 3. Ender is a witty little boy-- he loves to make us laugh, and he does it often. One of my favorite characteristics to observe in him is that he loves order and obedience. Ender tries to obey us even when it is really, really hard for him. You can see the struggle on his face. But it's important to him and always has been. He loves to clean his room and line his toys up-- he feels a little bit miffed when things are untidy. He's a good helper. I'm so glad, too, because I know I'll need his help more than ever when we have another baby this summer! Hooray! The name's picked out already: Austuvious Galnutt Wourmberg Derdills Wahlquist XVI. (I know we do not indeed have 15 preceding Austuviouses, but the XVI looks so cool, don't you think?)

What does your dream home look like?

My dreamhouse is always evolving, but it will be a beautiful one that Michael and I will build, and it will be a place where kids can play and easily feed their imagination, music will be a big part of everything, beautiful gardens will surround the house, and delicious food will fill the kitchen. I have already put a lot of love into the dreamhouse.

Do you have pets? Tell us about them, and maybe briefly share a memory of one of the pets we had as a family.

I do not have pets. I'd love to have a couple kittens. Hey, who knows? Maybe this pregnancy will surprise us! HAHAHA! Just kidding... I loved my kitty Nigel. I even call Ender by that name sometimes! :| Oops... Anyway, Nigel was so weird! I loved it! He had the chortliest meows and the babyest face. Sometimes he was maybe a little annoying, but never in a bad way. Just when I had to go the bathroom, and he'd stand in the doorway looking at me like he was waiting for permission to come in so he could drink water from the tap. Sheesh. YES, come in, NOW. Weirdo. But! I love this sneaky memory of our cat Spiffy: one day, well, one of the many days that I felt scissor-happy (by the way, I was probably 5 or something), I decided that Spiffy didn't really need such long whiskers. I thought they should line up nicely instead of stick out all funny. So I wrestled her to the ground and snipped a side. She got away before I could finish the haircut. And Mom came to me later, saying quite suspiciously, "Qait...did you cut Spiffy's whiskers?" I said "No! I noticed they look funny, though, don't they? Maybe they grew in funny this time..." (Mm-hm, not fooling anyone)

What do you like to create? What makes you feel most create-ive?

Well, I love to draw something from an original and funny idea. Doodling is really satisfying in that way. But I also take great pleasure in cooking meals very well. I love to bake and cook, and I even like to experiment with either inventing recipes or finding out what makes a recipe better. I enjoy doing different "looks" with my makeup, as if my face is a canvas ready for painting (it's really one big reason I enjoy makeup, rather than for the sake of covering my face or something). I love thinking of fun ways to play with Ender. That always leaves me feeling invigorated and brilliant.

What do you love to eat?

Hah. Right now? Food is kind of stupid because I need it all the time. But that's okay, I won't complain. When I'm more my normal self, I first of all love the act of eating. It's very comforting, almost regardless of the food. I suppose I have favorites, though! I love to eat chocolate ice cream, popcorn, or Italian food. Or...chips. Or fruit, mmmm. And it's always better with a good book. Besides all of that, though, I really love to eat a good meal that I've prepared. That's a very good feeling, most especially when I'm sharing the meal with family or friends (I guess because I'm proud of it...)

What is your favorite thing about where you are right now? (This can be Where You Are as in the state or city you're in, or Where You Are as in what your life is like, etc...)

Since I talked about where I am locally already, I'll talk about ... spiritually, more like. I am so happy. I feel like I'm in a time where my growth is constant, or at least consistent. I love the feeling of progress. I feel very forgiving of my faults, and I feel very encouraged by friends and family...I feel very confident with who I am, even with the humility of realizing I've got far to go. This feeling, of not being consumed with ME, is very ...peaceful, relaxing. I feel like I have the mental space to care for Michael and Ender better than before.

One last thing: We (the readers) want to know how your name came to be spelled the way it is! (Q-a-i-t, instead of K-a-t-e) When I was 13, I went through a variety of spellings...some were definitely inadvisable. Maddie's favorite to tease me about is "Keyte." She called me Keet for about a week or two...or three...

But during the month or so that I played around with the spelling, it was to have fun with it. I like wordplay, and I liked the idea of seeing how many ways I could logically spell my name. I didn't feel an identity crisis, that wasn't it. I honestly love my full name (and my mom's only request was that I not try to reinvent my full name's spelling, which was perfectly fine with me. I really was just aiming for a twist on my nickname).

I'd been emailing my brother Isaac pretty regularly (like I do now, actually), and I had signed my emails with a new spelling each time. Then one day, he emailed me with his own spelling: QAIT.

And I LOVED it! It's so fun to me that I've kept it up since then! And "Q" has become an affectionate nickname for me that I feel fits me really well somehow.

Q blogs at Qaptain Mommypants

My Family: Maddie

2011-01-20T20:39:00.003-07:00

 {Madelyn} * Kathryn * Me * Abigail * Elizabeth * Isaac * Reed

   
Madelyn is currently a student at BYU-Hawaii. She likes Reese's Puffs cereal, reading my old journals, creating art, original humor, laughing, sleeping with soft & cushy blankets, exploring new places, and probably likes long walks on the beach. ;) She's a winning combination of sass and sweetness, which I imagine has been instrumental in her beautiful handling of being the youngest of the family. She's our baby, and usually she doesn't mind. She's full of surprises, starting with her birth, when we were all convinced she was a boy. (My mom was most convinced.) She is also the only other girl in the family who has brown eyes, and once I saw her newborn self, all pink and new in the bassinet, I was perfectly okay with sharing the title of "Daddy's Brown-Eyed Girl".     
         

What brings you most happiness? Feeling people’s love and loving them back       
        
What would you say is your occupation currently, and/or what would you prefer it to be in the future? Currently I’m a student, and in the future I hope to have a job that’s quirky and exciting and teaches me lots of new things. For example: lumberjack supervisor (a real job!)       
        
What is your favorite memory with Rae? (my secret selfish motive comes to light) What ISN’T a favorite memory with Rae?  Here’s one: one time in belgium, me and rae were throwing big rocks into this pond just for fun. i was 8 and she was 15. while we were throwing rocks this grumpy guy came out of his house and started yelling at us in french. i was really scared. rae understood some french so she told me he was saying that we shouldn't throw the rocks in the pond because it will block the pipes. i don't know the rest really, it's kind of vague. rae probably remembers this better. i just remember thinking rae was really cool for knowing what he said and that afterwards when we left and i said i didn't like him because he scared me and hurt my feelings the way he yelled at me (and i had no idea what i'd done wrong) she was totally consoling.        
        
What makes you laugh really hard? Tons of things make me laugh! But I tend to laugh really hard when I’m hangin out with friends and one of us or all of us does something funny, or when I watch a good show or youtube video.

What are three of your favorite family memories? (Long, short, silly, otherwise--whichever)

Hmm... I will just choose the first 3 that come to the top of my mind since this is kind of a tough one. Family memories... 1. We went to Denmark together. We saw Hans Christian Anderson's museum, we went to Legoland (SO FUN!), we saw the statue of the Little Mermaid, we had mind blowingly yummy ice-cream, and we rode and slept overnight on a Ferry. Plus, Qait got ice-cream on our car window and we left it there for years. We thought it was hilarious. 2. This summer we all got together at Grandma Garmann's house. Everybody was sick, except for Isaac. Healthy invincible Isaac, haha! Us girls stayed up one night in Mom's hotel room all together on the bed talking and laughing. 3. Um.... I know! When we were living in Hinesville Georgia, Isaac came to visit us for a while! :D He got to meet Rae's squeeze, Phill, and we had tons of fun drawing, playing with toads in the backyard (who died in the hot tub) and eating too much cinnamon toast. :)            
        
What do you do to relax? Take a nap, go to the beach, make dinner, zone out, get on the computer, watch TV… anything different from the unrelaxing thing that I AM doing.       
        
Three books you love 1. The Count of Monte Cristo- It’s the coolest story ever, and it’s also the longest book I’ve ever read. I had to read it for school, and I felt so accomplished when I was done! 2. Slumdog Millionaire- I couldn't put it down! 3. The Outsiders- I know it's popular and that bugs me because to me I feel like I loved it first. This book makes me cry and it makes me happy at the same time because of the struggles the main characters face but also the relationships they have with each other       
        
Two favorites of all the places we've lived as a family? 1. Belgium (fun time, lotsa good memories, beautiful place) 2. Japan (I learned a lot and grew a lot there, made some wonderful friends there, and experienced lots of cool new things!)       
        
What do you love about where you live now? My roommates are nice and my house is right across from the beach! Oh yeah!       
        
Tell us about your family (your kids, spouses, people who make your life joyous and full, people you are happy to be surrounded by....)

My friends are awesome. My closest friends are Amanda, Becca, and Brandon. Amanda and Becca are so dear to me. I can tell them anything and I always feel good around them. They help me to be closer to Christ and I know they're both strong in the gospel. At the same time, we laugh together so much and do so many silly things... every Sunday we have make dinner together. It's a tradition I wouldn't give up for the world. Brandon takes me surfing a lot and actually does a lot of favors for me. His house is always available if I have nowhere else to go (they invited me there on Thanksgiving!) He has a car which has come in handy, and right now I'm using his bike since mine was stolen or something. I just feel close to him because I feel like we understand each other well, and I think he's a really fun and sweet guy. We've had plenty of interesting talks.        
        
What does your dream home look like? (maybe this question looks superficial, but I'm actually really curious about each of your answers to this one, since my own answer is pretty solidly cemented in my mind) 

My dream home isn't something I daydream about often. Maybe that will happen when I actually buy my own home. Something cozy and clean and warm, with lots of people inside.         
        
Do you have pets? Tell us about them, and maybe briefly share a memory of one of the pets we had as a family.

Oh my goodness! I don't have any pets right now but anyone who really knows me well will know that Elroy will forever live in my heart as the sweetest, cutest, funniest cat to ever grace my presence. One of my best memories of him is this night in Iowa when I was 12 and I was lying in bed, not really asleep yet. For some reason I felt a wave of loneliness. I felt really, really lonely. And then out of nowhere Elroy bounded up onto my bed and chortled all happily. He snuggled up to me and I felt instantly better, just like that! We fell asleep with him purring. He slept with me like that all the time :)        
        
What do you like to create? What makes you feel most create-ive? I really like to create doodles of little scenarios. Like comics, only with less effort put into them. I like to try to write interesting journal entries. I like teaching spiritual thoughts for church and coming up with small lessons. I like to draw, to write stories and make up characters. Anything can inspire me, I never really know what will get to me next. Honestly? These two cartoons really make me want to draw: Phineus and Ferb and The Powerpuff Girls. They draw really cool looking people. I notice these things.        
        
What do you love to eat? Steak!! Macaroni and cheese. Chocolate milk. Milk chocolate. Grape juice with ice. Burgers, eggs, avocados, TONS OF THINGS       
        
What is your favorite thing about where you are right now? (This can be Where You Are as in the state or city you're in, or Where You Are as in what your life is like, etc...)

What I love, love, love about Hawaii is... surfing! It's so much fun!!

The Lord works in miraculous ways

2011-01-19T11:17:00.002-07:00

Once upon a time, there was such baby-hunger in my heart that I could hardly handle it. I prayed (fervently, consistently) that either 1) we would have the funds necessary to make a baby a reality -or- 2) that I would simply stop being so hungry.

For months, long long months, I prayed for relief.

And then friends started to get pregnant. Lots of friends. Close friends, faraway friends, neighbors, you name it.

I had a brief and bright moment of "Everyone-Is-Pregnant-But-Me"....and then continued to pray. Asking that Heavenly Father would give me whatever I needed.

I thought maybe I needed to understand this feeling. Maybe I need to learn what it is to want a baby, given that I have been spared from ever feeling that before now.(post-edit to clarify: I WANTED all my babies...but I have never had to try very hard at all. I am well aware that that, in itself, is miraculous, and a blessing.)

Maybe I needed to understand that what I want is not always what I need.

Whatever the reason, I prayed and I waited, watching bellies grow and waiting for the worst/best part--those babies--the deliveries.

My dear sister Qait came to visit, and shared with me the news of her budding pregnancy while we stood in the kitchen. She just slipped in the announcement, almost unnoticed, amongst our otherwise-boring conversation. I hugged her close and felt a mix of aching and joy. I sat next to her on the couch each night as she nourished her body with foods I made, watched her rest, and watched her tiny swelling of a belly grow in miniscule proportions during her stay. I quietly relived the earlier months of my pregnancies, and felt some sense of happiness in watching my sister experience it for her second time.

And then on December 31st, I got to hold the still-very-new twin girls of Cara, one of my dear friends.

I breathed in their new-baby scent, smoothed the fine layer of hair on their heads, examined at great length the fingers, toes, folds, nooks, and soft curves of their perfect little bodies. I felt an ache, and worried that this was not good for me, and silently begged in prayer. And that is when something miraculous happened. Filling me up, bottom to top, was peace. The aching wasn't gone, but much less, and finally manageable. In its place was the ability to enjoy the little bodies in my arms, the understanding that I don't know the timeline God has in store for me, but that he will give me ways to handle whatever it brings. Longing. Loneliness. Unwillingness to let time go at its proper fast pace.

I held another perfect newborn only days later, and again was filled with peace. And something else was added--patience. I finally FELT what I have been trying to feel, which is, "I can wait. I can wait for whatever is to come. What I have is enough, and it is alright if it's all I ever have."

And then my sweet and dear friend, Sarah....

Sarah, who has kept me informed and allowed me to almost-obsess over her pregnancy. Sarah, who even asked me to document the birth, something so sacred and so personal. A part I miss most. And here is where I really begin to understand that God doesn't give us things we can handle, though it sometimes feels that way.

Sarah had a practice run, otherwise known as prodromal labor, an extended and painful episode (complete with back labor) that had her, her husband, and me in the hospital on Sunday night. (I would like to state for the record "prodromal" does not always mean "false" and most definitely not "ineffective") And while it didn't amount to much that Sarah could see, it proved instrumental for me. (Sorry, Sarah...I grew at your expense.) Once again I was watching someone I love and reliving the moments I miss--and once again that longing was tempered. I least expected to feel relief in watching my friends and family go through the experiences I crave so much, but I firmly believe--actually, I know, I know for myself--that God knows what I need. He knows how to teach me, how to help me, and most definitely, how to give me more than what I want.

So....with a lot of gratitude in my heart as it is, I'm thanking my pregnant and/or new mom friends for their (however unaware) participation in what has been a healing and learning process in the last few months for me. All my love to you.

The Army....

2011-01-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

....can be like an indecisive child.

Ah, well. No harm done in this instance--

Phill's orders to move to Spokane have been revoked.

Meaning, we're staying here! Meaning: Reed will go to the same school for the fourth year in a row (something I never did), we will live here longer than 3 years (never did that, either), Jax will get to start kindergarten at a school he's already quiet familiar with (three cheers for familiarity) AND...we can just...keep doing what we're doing! Or try and and shoot our roots a little deeper and buy a house?

Who knows.

All I know is, I'm happy. I am feeling watched-over and unbearably blessed. Heavenly Father answered with a resounding YES to the prayers I didn't really dare utter. (The thoughts whispered heavenward went something like, Please can it just NOT happen?)

My Family: A Series

2011-01-09T09:22:00.025-07:00

My friend Jenn once said to me that she wishes she had a little directory of all my siblings, so that when I mention them (as I often do), she'd know just who I was talking about. I started to do just that--gathering a photo of each of them, compiling little factoids about each of them, and then I became very overwhelmed and stopped.

I was realizing, though, that I do the same thing here--I mention my siblings a lot, and I do often share personal memories that involve them--but I wish I could introduce each one of them to you. One of the things I love about my sisters is that they tend to love and care for anyone I love and care for. Friends included. Which means that my sisters, by extension, care about you, my readers and friends, and love you, too....and although some of you readers know each one of my sisters, I thought it would be fun to do a little series about them, and my brothers, and my parents.

So hold on to your hats! As soon as I have the first "interview" compiled, I'm posting it! I'm so excited for you to "meet" my family.

The case of the rogue sock wrinkle

2011-01-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

For Thanksgiving just a couple months ago, we decided to go to California to see my sister, Abby, and her family. The trip there is six hours, and about four hours in, we were ready for a break. We stopped at an Arby's, got our orders (which were fantastically disgusting, I'd like to say) and sat down at a table. There was only one more family in the dining area, sitting all the way across the room from us.

So we sit down, and we're all happy and eating, and then Savvy starts to cry. And then panic. And she's yelling (loud enough for it to reverberate off the walls of the place), "My foot! There's something on my foot! My foooot!!" So Phill quickly comes to the rescue, unlacing her pink Converse and sliding it off.

With shaky hands, she reaches down, and we can see that her sock has sort of slipped and formed a little fold, an annoying little bump near the toe. She whips the sock off, and then laughs with relief, actually near tears in her happiness. Then, feeling free and joyous, she yells loudly enough for all to hear, "OH! It was just a NIPPLE! A nipple in my shoe!"

I'm still puzzling that one out.

2011-01-06T10:00:00.003-07:00

This quote (or big chunk of an article, really) was one of my favorites from the December Ensign. From the talk Fear Not.

"Sometimes [we] are confronted with a problem that seems like Mount Everest. [We] believe it is just too high and too tough to climb. Because [we] see no solution, [we] become discouraged—perhaps even negative and pessimistic—about [our] futures. But...[we] can learn that however unsolvable the problems of life may seem, God always has a solution."

"Because of the Savior’s birth, life, and Atonement, there are no unsolvable problems. There are temporary tragedies and difficulties, of course, but they need not be permanent or unconquerable. Can you imagine anyone having a problem God cannot solve? He always has a solution that will advance our eternal progress. That is both the reason for and essence of the Atonement."

And lastly:

"There is no question about the Atonement’s capacity to provide solutions for our problems. The scriptures are abundantly clear on this point. The real issues are these: Will we embrace those solutions? Will we choose the world’s answer or God’s answer? Will we repent or rationalize, seek God’s grace to overcome our weaknesses or “go it alone,” acknowledge God’s love in times of tragedy or spurn Him at every downturn in life?"

The Lavender House

2011-01-03T10:00:00.001-07:00

As a military brat, my time at home was divided up into 2- or 3-year increments. Here is a complete list of the places we lived, just for kicks--

Tacoma, Washington (born there)
Fort Bragg, North Carolina (one side of post)
Panama
New Jersey
Fort Bragg, North Carolina (the other side of post)
Colorado Springs, Colorado (off-post)
Heidelberg, Germany
S.H.A.P.E., Belgium
Fort Stewart/Hinesville, Georgia
{got married to Phill, and then}:
Fort Carson, Colorado
Cedar City, Utah
Provo, Utah
Cedar City, Utah
St. George, Utah

...and in between those big moves, there were smaller ones. For instance, we moved twice in Panama, from one side to the other. And when Phill and I lived in Colorado, we moved four times--twice off-base, and twice on-base. Not to mention the three different places we lived in Cedar City.

There was definitely enough to keep us seven kids interested and on our toes. Sometimes I find myself getting antsy after a year or so, I'm so used to a change of scene every couple of years.

But some of the most fun we had was when we were in even more-temporary living spaces. One of those was a little lavender house in North Carolina, which we were in for just a few weeks (I think) before we moved on base. I was seven years old.

The house had a fireplace that I loved (and secretly feared), and a tiny sitting room where our green loveseat was. My mom would sit on the loveseat to feed Maddie, the youngest, "our". Or my oldest sibling, my brother Reed, would sit on the couch and read to us younger girls. (photo HERE) Sometimes my oldest sister, Liz (are you keeping track? I'll quiz you later...) would sit on the loveseat and have me sit in front of her while she French-braided my hair. That room felt safe.

In my bedroom was a bunk bed that I shared with my little sister, Qait, and I slept on the top. While my dad was far away in one of those many Army fights, I had his picture taped to my ceiling, a tiny wallet-sized print of him in uniform, that I would look at as I fell asleep each night. Under my arm was a tiny camp-pillow he had given me; it smelled exactly like him. I would look at his picture and pray, many times over, for his safety, nuzzle the pillow next to my face, and fall into sleep.

In the backyard, there was a swingset, and I distinctly remember sitting on the swing, noticing my worn and too-small shoes, when my mom, looking through the kitchen window, must have noticed the same thing. I got new shoes. Not the Barbie ones I wanted, but some sensible white Keds. And so I sat on the swing again, unaware that my mother was (again) watching as I purposely dragged the toes of my brand-new shoes, desperately wanting those stupid Barbie shoes. I remember glancing up to see my mother watching me with half a smile on her face. She opened the window a crack and said with a smile, "You'll want to take care of those shoes." Enough said. She was on to me.

There was the window seat, possibly my favorite spot in the house. Above it was a bay window, and I would sit there and read, or daydream, or lift the lid of the window seat and imagine the awful fate that would befall someone who got stuck in there. (I was a little morbid.)

Outside, there was a green grass and a street-lamp, and I remember picking the fuzzed-over dandelions and running in circles on the grass, watching the little seeds of weeds-to-be taking flight.

I remember that our big, green trash can said, "Cumberland County" on it, and that for the longest time I thought it said, "Cucumberland Country".

There was one night that I couldn't sleep--at all, and I was earnestly trying--and I could hear music coming from Abby and Liz's room. Music and laughter. I knew that if they were happy and having fun together, they would probably not mind too much if I just laid on one of their beds for a bit. I knocked softly on their door, and Liz opened it. "Are you okay, Rae?" I told her my troubles and she gladly let me lay on the bottom bunk of their bed while she and Abby laughed away on the floor, as The Bangles played on and on. They picked me up off the bed so I could dance with them to Walk Like an Egyptian, and swung me around to Eternal Flame. They willingly included me in their fun and thoroughly exhausted me in the process. I slept like a baby.

Most of all, that lavender house is a safe place, a little holding-place in my mind for memories that are untouched by the incredible grief that followed only a couple of years later, when my dear brother Reed died. In the lavender house, we were all nine, all together.

When people ask me how I handled moving so often, having to adapt as much as we did, I reply that it is because my family is my home.Wherever they were, we called home. And temporary as it was, that house is permanently cemented in my heart, twenty years later.

Here's to promise!

2010-12-31T10:00:00.002-07:00

I resist the feeling that inevitably comes to me on this day--that sort of panicked "I have to improve NOW! I have to improve greatly, this second! I have to correct every bad behavior!"

Don't misunderstand--I am all for self-improvement and quiet introspection. I just always feel that the more anxiety-inducing sides of those practices are being shoved down my throat this time of year. Urges to do everything under the sun IN THE NEW YEAR--as if this last year was total crap if we didn't do those things, and as if this next year won't matter either if we continue to be whatever it is we wish we weren't.

The darker sides of this New Year's attitude got to me recently, I'll admit, and I found myself lamenting the things I hadn't done in 2010. Lose weight. Put more pictures on the walls. Wake up at 7 and work out every day. Write more than once every three months. Blog more often. Get out of debt. The list goes on and on, and mirrors most common lists.

And then I wondered, what have I done this year? What is of note? And in this prayerful wondering of mine, I was flooded by all the little things I have done, and how they have changed me this year. Not just what I've done, either, but how our family has grown. It's unmistakable! I feel like we've turned a corner.

I don't change diapers anymore. (And I do remember a time when I never thought I'd be able to say that!)

Reed is 8, chose to be baptized (I am so proud), and a little more independent; his reading has blossomed unbelievably and his maturity is beginning to blossom, too. That makes my heart full and achy at the same time.

Jaxon knows more letters and numbers than I've taught him. He continues to improve at expressing his feelings--something that I waited for. His sense of humor has just risen off the charts, and he is a joy to be around.

And Savanna, well, she's potty-trained, and she's also very much a little girl and hardly a toddler anymore. That is strange and wonderful.

I myself have worked hard this year--and pretty intensely for a few months--to correct mistaken ideas I had, the kinds of ideas that can make a person very unhappy. Sometimes it feels like the slow progress of grinding wheat by hand, this sifting through my emotions and memories and facets of my spirit. But slowly and steadily, I have learned a few things that have been slowly reconstructing me, inside-out, and I feel closer to my Savior than I ever have. That alone is worth it to me--worth all the things I haven't yet accomplished, but continue to work on.

Eventually I'll be back into the swing of working out regularly. Eventually I will have a comfortable relationship with food and my body. Soon enough, my house will be clean most of the time. Someday I will write that book, and someday my photography business will shoot through the roof.

But for now, I'm going to continue at this same pace, still determined and still mindful of what I need to change, but in no way frenzied. Not panicked about the things I haven't done yet, because the word "yet" holds a lot of possibilities.

So if I'm going to promise anything this year, it is to to remember that word itself--promise. We have promise. We have possibilities.

A Year in Quick Review

2010-12-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

ZERO- the amount of diapers I've changed today....because yes, Savanna is POTTY-TRAINED!

ONE deployment that miraculously never happened (praise be)

TWO pets that came and went (Simon the feral cat--good riddance--and Penny the sweet boxer--we still really miss her)

THREE - the number of visits this year that I have been privileged to get with my sister, Abby, and her family (This number could be incorrect....but for the sake of this format, let's assume it's not.)

FOUR - now the number of hours (half what it used to take) to travel to my little sister, Qait

FIVE - five people in our family, and I can honestly say I'm (finally) perfectly happy with that number staying right where it is--unless I change my mind.

SIX - the number of friends or family of mine who are pregnant or just birthed a baby (this has been both beneficial and detrimental in the whole Baby Hunger department, as you can imagine)

SEVEN - the measly number of posts I've done since the beginning of October

EIGHT - the age of my oldest son. Still trying to get my head around this one.

NINE - the number of years Phill and I have been married--today! (It has been beautiful)

TEN - the number of posts I aim to do each month (I know you've seen this resolve from me before, but this time I'm following through. Call me on it.)

What Do I Do All Day? You really wanted to know?!

2010-12-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed by the fact that this post idea was most requested of the four! Kind of flattering (and intimidating) that you all want to hear about my usually-mundane days. No special presentation, just a rundown of my days. Well, here goes!

Note: This schedule does not include other weekly or monthly things, like: Phill's drill weekend (where he works straight through the weekend), den meeting, pack meeting, photo shoots, doctor appointments, unexpected sickness, traveling up north or elsewhere, etc....just a cross-section of my most normal of days.

Example 1:
Up at 8:20.
8:21 Dress in workout clothes with the best of intentions.
8:25 Dress Savvy and make sure Jaxon is dressed.
8:30 Notice the time and panic, making resolutions for earlier rising tomorrow.
8:30 Make Reed's lunch while the kids eat a fast breakfast at the table.
8:40 Run around like a chicken with its head cut off, looking for The Other Shoe or Two Matching Socks or That Indispensable Piece of Paper for School.
8:45 Out the door to school.
8:48 Drop Reed off and go home instead of to the gym.
9:00 Eat breakfast myself in front of the computer.
10:00 Realize I've been on the computer for waaaay too long.
10:10 Finally get up from the computer.
10:10 Realize that working out is not going to happen today; change into "real" clothes.
10:50 Put down the book I've become immersed in and tickle Jaxon's back, feed Savvy's babydoll, make a snack for them--whatever they need.
11:30 AGAIN, put down the book I've become immersed in and clean the kitchen enough that lunch won't give us a terrible disease
12:00 Lunch
12:45 Realize that I was done eating lunch fifteen minutes ago and this darn book isn't helping me get anything done.
12:50 Make a monumental effort to pull myself together, play around with the kids (usually involves impromptu chasing), do dishes, clear countertops, and clean up the living room floor. Think about dinner, draw a blank, and think about it some more. Read a story to the kids and scratch Jaxon's back again. (Can you guess his love language?)
2:30 Collapse on the couch, thoroughly spent and fresh out of motivation. Cuddle with the kids as my eyes get veeerrry drooopy.
3:15 Jerk awake to the sound of my phone alarm. Rush out the door with the kids to go pick up Reed. Sit in car, reading (yes, again) until he's done at 3:30.
3:35 Come home and make a snack for the kids. Help Reed with homework or let the kids play outside for a bit. Procrastinate making dinner, either by hanging out with Phill (since he's usually home around this time), standing around outside with the kids, allowing myself to be sucked into Facebook (happens waaaay more than it should) or photo-editing, or reading.
6:30 Realize how late it got and that I still don't have dinner on the table
6:45 Come back from Little Caesar's
7:15 Have prayer, get kids' teeth brushed
7:25 Kids in bed
7:25 Sing less songs, but still give kisses/hugs/back-scratches and at least SOME listening time, and read for 20 minutes.
7:45 Collapse into a puddle of mush on the couch, bemoaning the state of the house and counting my failures of the day, knowing full well I could have done much, much better.
8:00 Resolve to do better tomorrow.
11:30 Finally into bed.

Example 2:
Up at 8:00
8:01 Dress in workout clothes.

8:05 Have Reed shower while I help Savvy and Jaxon dress
8:20 Having already made Reed's lunch the night before, prepare a nice breakfast of scrambled eggs, ham, and toast for the kids. Eat at a leisurely pace.
8:40 Out the door.
8:43 Drop off Reed and head to the gym.
10:15 Pick up the kids from the gym daycare, come home
10:20 Snack for the kids, breakfast for myself while I read my scriptures

10:30 Shower, dress, blow-dry my three pounds of hair
11:10 After making sure the kids have all they need, sit down at the computer to do writing exercises.
11:40 Finish writing exercises. Do some dishes (if necessary) and make lunch.
12:00 Lunch.
12:30 Read to the kids, then cuddle with them while I read (my own book)
1:00 Set timer and set about getting the house squared away--dishes, laundry, countertops, table, floors, etc...
2:00 Cuddle with the kids again on the couch, make them a snack or watch them draw
2:20 Edit photos
3:00 Put away some clean laundry or (again) cuddle on the couch.
3:15 Leave to get Reed from school, reading in the car while I wait
3:30 Get Reed, come home
3:35 - 4:30 Help Reed with homework OR go to den meeting OR stand outside with the kids while they play in the front for a bit OR cuddle with Phill on the couch when he gets home OR edit photos
4:30 Start dinner prep
5:00 Eat dinner
5:30 Do dinner dishes, play in the front with the kids again
6:00 Bring kids in, get them bathed and pajama'd
6:30 Watch some toons together OR dance in the living room to music (way better option)
6:50 Scriptures, prayer
6:55 Have kids brush their teeth
7:00 Kids in bed
7:00 - 7:30 or 7:45 Sing to Savvy and give her lots of hugs and kisses, sing to Jaxon and make him laugh and scratch his back, sing to Reed and listen to him talk about his day. Read our current chapter book (Right now it's The Great Brain....thanks, Abby!) to the kids while I sit on Reed's bed--Jax hardly lasts through a paragraph, and Savvy on an ideal night is out by four paragraphs. Reed, however, will listen as long as I read. :)
7:45-ish Cuddle with Phill on the couch and watch shows OR edit photos OR do some blogging OR do some Reader OR finish some cleaning OR read a good book OR go get a few things at the grocery store
10:35 Make Reed's lunch for the next day, make sure all the stuff we need for tomorrow is located.
10:45 Get ready for bed
11:00 IN bed, done for the day

It's kind of embarrassing to have laid out the goings-on of my day like this. Believe me....I'm well aware of the areas that could use improvement! I'm working on being able to say I have more Example 2 days than Example 1. It's funny to me, though, how differently my day goes when I choose to wake up on time, or work out, or read my scriptures. (Or all three!) Just like everyone else, I know the things that make my day go smoother, and yet I fall short. Often. And forget the essentials.

Another thing that's embarrassing to me is how much time I actually have. When I'm organized, that is. When I'm not buried in a book or gazing at Facebook or sleeping in. I'm not in any hurry to fill my day up with more--I know how quickly a day can become jam-packed, and I'm steeling myself for when our kids are involved in after-school activities--but I mope and moan about how hard it is to get everything done...and it is, when I'm not really on top of my game. But I'm sure it's not as hard as I make it out to be! I know so many others who are far busier and still manage to get so much done.

I suppose my point is--take comfort! Look how very human I am, and please see me through forgiveness-tinted glasses when you consider that I am certainly working on it. :)

(Again) a couple of things

2010-11-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

Reed turned 8. He IS 8. I am the mother of an 8-year-old. Stick that in your pipe and...leave it there?

I am writing. As in book-writing. As in, tearing out my hair and yelling at the computer screen because my "book" is 3 pages long. Ah, well. I can't force this. In the meantime, I've done writing exercises from an excellent book--three days in a row! Laugh if you will, but sadly, that's more consistent than I've been for years.

Savvy is actually asking to go to the bathroom. Wanting to sit on the toilet. This should be ideal, but memories of the two previous potty-training drawn-out-disasters have me a little hesitant. Maybe some princess panties will get me motivated.

We spent Thanksgiving in California with my sister and her loves, and it was glorious. We saw the new Harry Potter movie--oh, how I loved it!--and ate at In-n-Out and went to Disneyland. (Not all in the same day.) Best visit so far.

My little Q comes to visit in a little over a week! I'm breathlessly excited, and we have a project we MIGHT start that MIGHT involve her fantastic art and story-making skills, and my writing.

So many of my friends are pregnant or just had babies, and I'm telling you, my arms ache to hold the latest additions--Cara's twin girls, Charlotte and June. Just a random factoid, this raging baby hunger. It's no secret. I think I've mentioned it to strangers in passing. "Oh hello you, with the darling baby in an airport restroom! May I hold your baby? What? No? What do you mean, that's creepy?"

Last: When it comes to deciding what to blog about, it appears I am as indecisive as Reed in a candy store, so I am going to let you do the deciding. (Way to avoid, eh?) Take the poll on the top right of the blog, if you please.

And as always....thank you for reading (what is really, this time, drivel).